- Bill Engvall: Welcome to my garage. This is where I go to get away from the Honey-Do list. I joke about it guys, but I tell you, she runs that house, good lord. Yeah, I know, I know. If you're married, I'm telling you nothing you don't already know. But if you're single and thinking about getting married, listen up! You ain't never gonna win the arguement. If guys were a sports team, we'd be O-for.
- Bill Engvall: [Bill gives an example on being old] One morning, my son left to go to school and I was sitting at the coffee table in my bathrobe, reading the morning paper. My wife comes from behind me, starts kissing me on the neck, and goes, "Hey good-lookin', lets go upstairs and make love." And I *thought* about it! Wh-when did that start? God almighty, if I had been 20, that paper still would be hanging in the air. A trail of fire up the stairs. Now, I sit there going, "Ugh, that's 14 steps right there."
- Bill Engvall: Boobs are the center of power. Boobs can make a 6-month old baby and a 65 year old man both act the same way. And I'm a big fan. Oh, man, I love 'em! And I ain't picky neither. I hate when I hear guys go "I don't like little boobs." I don't care! Big boobs, little boobs, saggy boobs, perky boobs. You could have boobs that look like nanners, I don't give a damn! They're the perfect toy! You squish them, mush them, POOF! They come right back out! You can't even break 'em! Oh, they're amazing. Boobs can make a long trip seem short, make a bad day seem great.
- [Points to member of the audience]
- Bill Engvall: Bud, let's say you had a bad day at work. Boss been chewing you out all day long. Little girl sitting next to you shows you her boobs, you're like, "This day was GREAT!"
- Bill Engvall: I asked the guy what I should eat the night before the flight. He said, "A peanut butter sandwich." Ok, why? "Tastes the same coming up as it does going down."
- Bill Engvall: I love Slim-Jims so much, I once called their hotline. I swear to God. I told them, "I got your next billion-dollar idea." And the lady on the other end goes, "Oh, do tell." I said, "Alright. Men love beer and Slim-Jims. So, what you need to do, is drill a hole in the middle of that Slim-Jim... so we can suck beer through it and take a bite of Slim Jim!
- [Audience cheers]
- Bill Engvall: Yeah. GENIUS!... She hung up on me.
- Bill Engvall: This year, ladies and gentlemen, I was cool for 2 seconds of my life. I got to fly with the Air Force Thunderbirds.
- [Audience hoots and hollers]
- Bill Engvall: You betcha! They called me up out of the blue, and they go, "Hey, we want you to fly with us." And I'm like, "You got the right number?" They said, "Yeah, Bill Engvall, comedian. You stand for what America stands for. Be an honor to have you fly with us." I'm like, "Be an honor to fly with 'ya." He goes, "Well, we gotta get you clearance from the Pentagon." I go, "Well, you're screwed."
- [imitates Pentagon general]
- Bill Engvall: "Engvall... Engvall... isn't he the guy who drives a scooter?"
- Bill Engvall: [onboard the jet] All of a sudden I hear this...
- [makes suction noise]
- Bill Engvall: It was my ass!
- [Audience laughs]
- Bill Engvall: What am I doing here? I don't even like roller coasters. I'M IN A F-16?