- Zack: What brings you here?
- Brandon: I came here with somebody who went to school here, Bobby Long.
- Zack: No shit! That's who my friend's hitting on right now! See, right there, the one dressed like Hannah Montana.
- Brandon: In L.A. we call that look 'Nickelodeon Chique'.
- Zack: Wait, L.A.? Los Angeles? That's awesome, man, what do you do out there?
- Brandon: I'm an actor.
- Zack: Wow! That's really impressive.
- Brandon: Thank you.
- Zack: Fucking movies?
- Brandon: Fucking movies. Pretty much.
- Zack: Look at you! Anything I've seen? What movies?
- Brandon: Oh, all sorts of movies with all-male casts.
- Zack: All-male casts? Like "Glengarry Glen Ross"? Like that?
- Brandon: Like "Glen and Gary suck Ross's meaty cock and drop their hairy nuts in his eager mouth."
- Zack: [stunned] Is that like a sequel?
- Brandon: Sort of. It's a reimagining.
- Zack: Oh, like "The Wiz".
- Brandon: More erotic. And with less women. No women, to be exact.
- Zack: I apologize in advance if I'm out of line here, but are you in gay porn?
- Brandon: Guilty as charged.
- Zack: I don't mean to alarm you, but I think I just jerked off Lester a little bit.
- Miri: The Dutch Rudder?
- Zack: Yeah! It's ingenious, really.
- Miri: If you ask me nicely, I will Dutch Rudder you for the rest of our lives.
- Zack: Good. I'm getting tired of fuckin' a fleshlight.
- Miri: [laughing] You fucked it?
- Zack: Yeah.
- Miri: What'd it feel like?
- Zack: Fucking a flashlight.
- Zack: [imagining Miri in a porn film] Oh, my God, yeah.
- Miri: What? You got an idea?
- Zack: We could make a porno!
- Miri: Not the idea I was lookin' for.
- Zack: What? No, yeah, that is a fuckin' *awesome* idea. Are you shitting me? That's a rad idea. That guy, Brandon St. Randy, whose Bobby Long's *awesome* nice boyfriend, he said he makes a hundred grand a year because he shoots and distributes his own porno flicks.
- Miri: If it's so easy, how come everybody doesn't do it?
- Zack: Because other people have options - and dignity - which we do not have, which puts us in an amazingly advantageous position!
- Zack: I've known her since the first grade, you don't fuck someone you met in the first grade.
- Delaney: Excuse me, I met my wife in kindergarten, we got married senior year, and she's been the queen of my world ever since.
- Zack: But what if you could do it all over again?
- Delaney: I would jerk off and live by myself. That woman is the bane of my existence.
- Zack: Dude, with your cut of the profits, you're gonna get two flat screens. OK? You'll have one in your living room. You'll have one in your bathroom!
- Delaney: One in the bathroom? You know, it's always been my dream to watch shit while I shit.
- Zack: Everyone with an ass loves to watch shit while they shit! I'm gonna make that happen for you, man.
- [after Stacy accidentally shits all over his face]
- Deacon: Can you believe THIS shit? That chick frosted me like I was a fucking cake!
- Brandon: [to Bobby] I will be there on your journey. I will be your Sherpa up the mountain - of gayness.
- Zack: How come you get to be all Buck Rogers, having sex in the 25th century with Twiki and Dr. Theopolis, and I'm stuck to a bottle of Jergen's in the batroom?
- Miri: Holy Bejeesus, tell me you don't use my Jergen's to whack it.
- Zack: No, you know what I do? I light a bunch of candles, and I sprawl out on my sheets, and I listen to Sting. No, I'm a guy. You give me two Popsicle sticks and a rubber band and I'll find a way to fuck it, like a filthy MacGuyver!
- Miri: Oh God, I'm so glad I'm not a guy.
- Zack: Give me today, I'll bang out a script. Meet me back here after closing. We're gonna launch arching ropes of jism all over this motherfucker! Peace!
- Zack: That's what porno is. It's fantasy. It's taking the normal and making it abnormal by fucking it.
- Zack: Hello, Miriam.
- Miri: Beat it, we're talking.
- Zack: I just wanted to introduce you to Brandon.
- Brandon: Salutations.
- Zack: Bobby's boyfriend.
- Miri: Bobby who?
- Bobby Long: Bobby me.
- Zack: Brandon, uh, is the star as such adult fare as, what was that one called again?
- Brandon: "You better shut your mouth or I'm gonna fuck it."
- Zack: That's right. I'm surprised I forgot that.
- Miri: Are you fucking with me?
- Zack: [amused] No, they're fucking with each other.
- Zack: [suggesting a porn title] "Star Sex II: The Wrath of Cunt".
- Miri: We never made "Star Sex I".
- Zack: I guess we can skip "Star Sex III: The Search for Cock", then.
- [Zack has a new idea]
- Zack: "Cocunt"!
- Miri: What's that?
- Zack: It's like "Cocoon". With a cunt!
- [Miri looks at him and laughs uncomfortably]
- Lester: I even tried to talk her into givin' me the fuckin' Dutch Rudder - shot me down on that, too.
- Zack: And a Dutch Rudder is...?
- Lester: You don't know what a Dutch Rudder - alright, you grab your dick, and then you have somebody else work your arm. Here, lemme show you. Grab my arm, I'm grabbing my dick, you're grabbing my arm... now work it. Work it. Work my arm. See that shit? Now work it up and down. See that? It's like somebody else is jerking you off.
- Brandon: I can't keep my hands off him, I'm so sorry.
- Bobby Long: You've had one too many cosmos.
- Brandon: You know although he does most of the eating in the sack if you know what I mean. In the sack and of the sack.
- Zack: If you heard that someone we graduated with was in a fucking porno movie, you'd watch it, right? I'd watch that guy Brandon suck a cock. I just met him!
- Lester: [acting in the porno] I'd like a double espresso so I can stay up all night... 'cos I'm in the mood to fuck!
- Bobby Long: This is exactly why you haven't met my mother! Because you don't know how to ease people in to this situation, you just force your way in every time!
- Brandon: Baby, I thought maybe for one second in this God-forsaken town I could be myself! I'm so sorry, you're right, I should just butch up and pretend that I don't love it when you shove your dick in my mouth!
- Zack: [to himself] This is the best night of my life.
- Brandon: Am I making a spectacle? Because I could make a much bigger scene. I'm sorry, Pittsburg, listen up Monroevers, my name is Brandon St. Randy, and I love Bobby Long!
- Zack: Fucking A!
- Brandon: Is that enough for you? Is that enough of a scene? Cause I could start doing a lot worse then that. And the reason that you haven't taken me home to your mother is that your mother, with her makeup and all her drinking, she's in the closet too.
- Zack: [in awe] They fight just like real people...
- Miri: So, I guess we should do this.
- Zack: I think we should probably wait, uh, just until I lose another 20-30 pounds.
- Miri: Stop it. You look good.
- Zack: Thanks.
- Miri: So... what about me? How do I look?
- Zack: I mean, you look beautiful - you always look - so beautiful, so I guess it's not a big deal. But you - you look amazing.
- Miri: [grabbing his hand lovingly, then quickly beginning to swing it back and forth] Okay! Let's go make a porno!
- Drunk Customer: [is waiting for his coffee, and notices Stacey's breasts] Oh. Hey.
- Stacey: [awkwardly] Hey.
- Zack: This is just the beginning, guys. If "Star Whores" works and *it will*, we are set up for sequels galore. "The Empire Strikes Ass".
- Miri: "Return of the Brown Eye".
- Deacon: "The Phantom Man Ass".
- Delaney: And "Revenge of the Shit: The All Anal Final Chapter".
- [awkward silence]
- Zack: Okay.
- Delaney: "Revenge of the Shit", you got it?
- Miri: No, yeah we got it.
- Stacey: Ew.
- Delaney: [under his breath] Fuck you, mothafuckas.
- Miri: [after hitting on Bobby and meeting his boyfriend] You're gay?
- Bobby Long: Yeah.
- Miri: [to Brandon] And I'm on the internet wearing... a diaper?
- Brandon: Who knew you'd come to Pittsburgh and meet a celebrity? Ha ha!
- Miri: [to Zack] I'm gonna binge-drink now until I pass out.
- Zack: Okay. She'll be fine. So you guys suck each other's cocks, huh?
- Brandon: Oh, like crazy.
- Teen #1: [recording Miri undressing, revealing "granny panties"] Those are fucking granny panties!
- Zack: [Zack blocks the view with his ass, then sticks his thumb up it] Sorry guys, am I in the way?
- Teen #2: You're a fucking faggot, alright?
- Teen #1: Let's go to Starbucks, this guy's a shitty barista anyways.
- Zack: Cock?
- [throws a cup at the teens]
- Teen #1: And he throws like a bitch!
- Zack: You know what else I've thrown, my nutsack in your coffee so how'd that taste, fuckers?
- Teen #2: We saw your girlfriend in her underwear, cunt nugget!
- Zack: Well too bad, she's not my girlfriend you little fuck -
- [they leave]
- Zack: oh, they're gone.
- Roxanne: Don't ever get married. It sucks. You stop appreciating each other and you run out of shit to talk about after the first year.
- Zack: Have you seen that Joe Francis guy who made Girls Gone Wild? That guy's the biggest fucking idiot piece of shit in the world and he has a jet and a fucking island!
- Brandon: Oh my god. No!
- Miri: What?
- Brandon: Granny Panties?
- Miri: Excuse me?
- Brandon: This is so crazy! I was literally just watching you like right before we got here! This is you, right?
- [pulls out his iPhone and shows a YouTube clip of Miri in a changing room wearing big underwear. The narrator says "My name's Granny Panties and nobody wants to fuck me! Nothing's whiter then my big gay ass."]
- Miri: [Miri gasps in horror]
- Zack: Where'd you get that?
- Brandon: Oh, I entered 'gay' and 'ass' and it was the top hit. It's had 200 thousand views in three hours. Honey, you are, like, I'm actually jealous right now cause you're like super famous!
- Miri: [to Bobby] You're gay?
- Bobby Long: [apologetically] Yeah...
- Miri: And I'm the internet wearing - a diaper?
- Brandon: Who knew you'd come to Pittsburg and meet a celebrity?
- Miri: I'm gonna binge drink now until I pass out now.
- Writer of Titles: [At the end of the titles] Christ, I spend way too much time on the internet.
- Miri: Who cares what the title is?
- Zack: The porn I liked when I was a kid, it was always, like, a spoof of a popular movie, you know? Like, um, "Edward Penishands".
- Miri: Okay, so we need a mildly clever, vaguely dirty title, that sounds like a real movie - and basically sums up what you're gonna see.
- Zack: Correct.
- Miri: "An American Werewolf in Brenda"?
- Zack: "Fuckback Mountain"?
- [Miri makes a face]
- Zack: Too soon? "A-Cock-in-Lips Now"?
- Miri: Next.
- Zack: I'm a guy. You give me a two popsicle sticks and a rubber band and I'll find a way to fuck it like a filthy MacGyver!