Adam's Package

Just awful. This feels like it is either the result of a failed student project or an attempt at money laundering. The gaps and pauses between the dialogue, the way everyone waits for their line and you can see them thinking of their lines as they wait for their turn, the calculated reactions, the stiff body language, the semi-practiced facial expressions, and so on and so on. Sometimes "bad" can be hilarious (if also a bit painful), but this is just pure excrement. I tried to find one redeeming quality, but no. Just . . . No. It's not even as good as when failed porn stars tried to go legit and fail dismally at that as well. I have no more words. Just say no, move on, and be done with it.

I had the opportunity to see Adam's Package at a preview screening in Santa Monica. It was a lot of fun. The audience loved the crazy mystery story, laughing throughout.

Adam, the good-looking lead (Andrew Rogers), plays the part of a top international model stuck in his townhouse in Marina Del Rey under house arrest for a crime he did not commit. This means he is also stuck with a voluptuous opera-singing ghost named Lulu who haunts the place in her bathrobe. Top Secret UFO documents discovered in the basement incriminate him. Shadow federal agents want him dead -- as does his ex-wife for the insurance money. But then -- his luck turns! A beautiful model named Eve (Serena Hendrix) arrives on his doorstep and turns his life around.

Adam's Package is pretty and sexy, populated with a group of uniquely eccentric characters such as a Beverly Hills sex-therapist and Jesus Alvarez, the locksmith who promises to extract the house arrest bracelet off Adam's ankle without setting off the alarm.

It's a humorous romp with a lively cast that leads to a very surprising conclusion.

Gouging your eyes out with a rusty spoon sounds more fun that this.