- Toni: If I have to listen to Warren bitch about his kidneys being jostled by the bus or his feet swelling up from walking or his allergies acting up from the trees, I am going to hurt him - badly!
- Jason: Have you ever taken a deep, dark look at yourself, your hostility towards the opposite sex? Are you sure you're not into... girls?
- Toni: Oh, you wish.
- [on The Colonel's basement arsenal]
- Toni: Eclectic... post-Soviet Martha Stewart crossed with supply sergeant.
- Jason: I need a weapon.
- The Colonel: You have one.
- Jason: But you don't expect me to fight with this, do you?
- The Colonel: You have a sword. You learn how to use it.
- Jason: It's just a sword!
- The Colonel: No, it is not just a sword. That sword killed the monster once and it can do it again. Study it. Learn how it works and we will all be saved. Now hurry!
- Jason: I'm nobody's hero, Cassandra. This is not my destiny. I'm just a college student. I go to Cal Poly. I've been going there for seven years; I've had ten majors. I only came to this place to claim a free house.
- [Benny has accidentally shot a squirrel]
- Benny: I just killed Rocky.
- The Colonel: Dimitar has warned that the creature will come back and kill every living song in Ivanova until he has the sword... and you are dead.
- Jason: He's really starting to get on my nerves.
- Dimitar: At dawn the sun shall shine through the sword and connect me and the creature in a bond of pure energy. The creature's spirit - the spirit of the omnipotent wizard Allas - shall be transferred to me and I shall become the most powerful man that has ever walked the earth... and I shall walk the earth for a thousand years!
- Jason: Sounds like a party... I'll bring the beer.