- Benjamin: [in front of TP'd house] Joey Steiner, come out with your hands up. We have your father!
- Jacob Meyers: [grabs him] We're leaving!
- Benjamin: We're not going anywhere!
- Jacob Meyers: Toilet and eggs is a way to confront without being confrontational.
- Benjamin: I thought you were the king of confrontation.
- Jacob Meyers: No, I'm the kind of encouragement.
- Benjamin: So then encourage my confrontation!
- Jacob Meyers: Fine!
- Marty Charles: [motioning to girl] Look at her man. I wouldn't even last two pumps.
- Jacob Meyers: I will not stand for this lack of confidence. If girls like self certainty and all you got are doubts, you're telling 'em there's someone better out there. But there's not! You are what they've been waiting for all their lives. Marty Charles... Debonaire Extraordinaire. Now either you get confident quick or I'm gonna throw you the hell outta here.
- Marty Charles: You think we drink at times like this because it's the answer or because we're idiots?
- Jacob Meyers: ...Idiots.
- [drinks]
- Jacob Meyers: [to crying Benjamin] I don't mean to sound insensitive, but what kind of cruel bitch does this in the middle of a party. Everyone's drunk. Emotions running high. She knew this was when it was gonna fuck you up the most... She's like an evil puppeteer. You are a finely crafted marionette, but she's treating you like a fucking finger puppet, man.
- Marty Charles: [quick] You're metaphors are getting out of control.
- Jacob Meyers: That was a simile.
- Donny: [to older brother Nerd in front of Ilene] You know, I know you two are just friends, but you put a little makeup on her, you might want to be a little more than friends. Know what I'm saying? She might even be out of your league. Get her before she realizes. Sucker punch style. You don't want to be a virgin forever, do you bro?
- Donny: What are you doing?
- Nerd: [scared] Ugghh... Nothing.
- Donny: You're stealing alcohol. Are you going to a party? I'm telling Mom and Dad.
- Nerd: Donny, come on. Don't.
- Donny: I'm sorry. I don't think I have a choice in the matter.
- Nerd: Why do you always have to do this to me?
- Donny: Are you going to a party?
- Nerd: Yes, now leave me alone.
- Donny: Alright, I love parties!
- Nerd: You're not going...
- Donny: Then you're not going. MOM!
- Nerd: [lowly] Alright, alright. Jesus, you're such a motherjumper!
- Donny: [smiles sinisterly]
- Principal Dixon: Mr. Meyers, did you indeed strike Ms. Roth's posterior.
- Ms. Roth: He did it, Mr. Dixon.
- Jacob Meyers: Do you have any witnesses to this make believe occurrence?
- Ms. Roth: I probably have a handprint on my ass.
- Jacob Meyers: Mr. Dixon, she just said ass.
- Principal Dixon: I'll see you in school tomorrow, Mr. Meyers. For Saturday detention.
- Jacob Meyers: I'm afraid my schedule doesn't permit my imprisonment without a fair trial.
- Principal Dixon: Well, we're still awaiting trial. So we're gonna have to take you into custody.
- Jacob Meyers: [shakes hand] You'll be hearing from my lawyer.
- Jacob Meyers: [to older brother Nerd in front of Ilene] You know, I know you two are just friends, but you put a little makeup on her, you might want to be a little more than friends. Know what I'm saying? She might even be out of your league. Get her before she realizes. Sucker punch style. You don't want to be a virgin forever, do you bro?
- Marty Charles: You think we drink at times like this because it's the answer or because we're idiots?
- Jacob Meyers: ...Idiots.
- [drinks]
- Teacher #2: [to older brother Nerd in front of Ilene] You know, I know you two are just friends, but you put a little makeup on her, you might want to be a little more than friends. Know what I'm saying? She might even be out of your league. Get her before she realizes. Sucker punch style. You don't want to be a virgin forever, do you bro?