- [last lines]
- Dana Marschz: Chuy, you're going to have a magical life. Because no matter where you go, it'll always be better than Tucson. Come on!
- Dana Marschz: We are putting on this play! And if you don't like it, then tough titties, you ass-turd monkey fucker!
- Cricket Feldstein: Well, this play is gonna bitch-slap Broadway like a cheap hooker at a gangbang.
- Dana Marschz: Uh... yeah.
- Cricket Feldstein: Y'know, and those Bible-humping protesters can suck a bag of dicks, 'cause all I ended up doing was giving you free publicity.
- Dana Marschz: Yeah, and did you see my dressing room? It has a bidet!
- Elisabeth Shue: That was a sink.
- Dana Marschz: It was?
- Cricket Feldstein: No one is shutting down this play. The Justice Department and the so-called Supreme Court can suck my balls.
- Dana Marschz: Why do they have to do this?
- Cricket Feldstein: My balls?
- Dana Marschz: You can't let your ethnic narrow-mindedness stop your son from thriving in our culture.
- Mr. Marquez: I have to take exception to that characterization.
- Dana Marschz: Heywood's a bad boy. He's a gangbanger. A deadbeat. But he also has a gift.
- Mrs. Marquez: Who is Heywood?
- Dana Marschz: Your son. Heywood Jablome.
- [realizing]
- Dana Marschz: Oh. I just got that.
- Dana Marschz: [to the class, about Elisabeth Shue] Oh, come on, you guys. Could you not even Google her? "The Karate Kid"? "The Crane"? "Wax On/Wax Off", "Soapdish", "Dreamer" with the fucking horse. Any of that shit ring a bell?
- Epiphany Sellars: In my prayer circle, I've been praying for more racial understanding. But I still get anxious around ethnics.
- Cricket Feldstein: You wanna hit me? I would love it if you hit me! I'm married to a Jew, I've got nothing to lose!
- Dana Marschz: It's a slippery slope... beer, liquor, dope, coke, meth, chicks with dicks, then jail!
- Chuy: [Running around backstage, Chuy runs into Epiphany] Hmp!
- Epiphany Sellars: Watch it, Nacho Bell Grande!
- Chuy: Bitch! Why you always gotta fuck with me?
- Epiphany Sellars: I'll show you why, Vato!
- [She jumps on Chuy and they make out]
- Dana Marschz: [in commercial] I'm having a herpes outbreak, right now--but you'd never know it. Thanks, Herpocol!
- Epiphany Sellars: What about the acting?
- Rand Posin: [reading their play's review] "It is perhaps best not to mention the acting. In the theater, actors endeavor to simulate human emotion. Rand Posin and Epiphany Sellars flap their lips and wave their arms like malfunctioning wind-up toys..."
- Dana Marschz: That's enough! Every trimester we get fisted by this guy!
- Epiphany Sellars: [to Rand] What's "fisted"?
- Rand Posin: [genuine or feigned confusion] What?
- Dana Marschz: I have so much anger. I feel like I've been raped. In the face!
- Brie Marschz: Maybe it's better that we just can't get pregnant. I feel like we shouldn't pass on this gene pool.
- Dana Marschz: I feel like I'm in a cage! And I feel like Nicolas Cage in Leaving Las Vegas! Starring my good friend, Elisabeth Shue!
- Rand Posin: Are you mad at me?
- Dana Marschz: No. No.
- Rand Posin: I don't know, you've barely spoken to me all day. Is it because of my resistance to these gangbangers?
- Dana Marschz: Hey, hey. Just because they're Latinos doesn't make them gangbangers. Got it?
- Rand Posin: Yeah, I'm sorry. I love class so much and I just don't want anything to change.
- Dana Marschz: Rand, you're teacher's pet. What more do you want? Come on, let's go hang with the gang.
- Rand Posin: You mean--Latinos.
- [being shown the warehouse where the class plans to stage the play]
- Dana Marschz: Let there be light!
- [the stage lights are turned on]
- Dana Marschz: My eyes!
- [first lines]
- Narrator: To act is to live.
- [followed by a commercial for "Jack LaLanne's Power Juicer"]
- Narrator: To act is to breath the poet's breathe.
- [followed by a scene from "Xena: Warrior Princess"]
- Narrator: It is to embody the dreams of man. To live as an actor is to live a dream.
- [followed by a commercial for "Herpecol"--a herpes medication]
- Narrator: But dreams are ephemeral and sometimes impossible. So we must ask, "Where do dreams go to die?"
- Brie Marschz: I know we're broke and that we needed a roommate. But, I swear to God, I can't live like this anymore. I'm gonna go back to dealin' pot, I swear.
- Dana Marschz: No! I will not have you pushing drugs!
- Brie Marschz: I was a dealer, not a pusher.
- Dana Marschz: There is one other thing. It's a piece I've been working on. I have the first act and reams of notes in my inspiration box. It's called: "Hamlet 2."
- Noah Sapperstein: A sequel to "Hamlet", by Shakespeare?
- Dana Marschz: Yes. Yes. Do you think it's a bad idea?
- Noah Sapperstein: Not necessarily. No.
- Brie Marschz: [looking at Dana's just-completed script] "Hamlet 2"?
- Dana Marschz: The Deuce. Correct.
- Brie Marschz: Doesn't everybody die at the end of the first one?
- Dana Marschz: I have a device.
- Brie Marschz: [reading the script] "The time machine. Door...
- Dana Marschz: That's the device.
- Brie Marschz: [still reading the script] "... opens, revealing Hamlet, Gertrude, Polonius, and Hillary Clinton having what appears to be group sex."
- Dana Marschz: It's about my troubled relationship with my father.
- Dana Marschz: Without further ado, I'd like to introduce you to: Elisabeth Shue. Elisabeth Shue! Get up here!
- Elisabeth Shue: Thank you. Thank you so much for-for having me. I really have a tough time speaking in front of people. I get a little nervous.
- Ivonne: What do you miss about acting?
- Elisabeth Shue: You know what I really miss about acting? I miss kissing--in love scenes. I had so much fun making out with all those cute actors.
- Cricket Feldstein: I'm a short blonde chick and I play to the death. I pick cases I can win because I want to win big. Cases with controversy and headlines and steaming piles of shit flying left and right--mostly left.
- Brie Marschz: Gary and I have been getting closer for a while now, and it turns out we're very compatible--as long as he keeps his mouth shut.
- Cricket Feldstein: You have no documentation. No ID. Your badge isn't visible. And you accidentally grazed my boob when you tried to walk past me. I could put you away for a year!