- Sergeant Howard: [Chief Brooks has just given Sgt Howard a book of insult comebacks] You and what army?
- Chief Brooks: What's wrong with that?
- Sergeant Howard: He
- [Commander Kent]
- Sergeant Howard: *has* an army.
- [sees Leon hanging by a rope, being pulled up into the air ducts]
- Veck Sims: I wish I had a bat. I would bust you open, see how much candy fell out.
- Veck Sims: It's like my mother always said, if you want something done right, waste them yourself. I'm paraphrasing, but you get the idea.
- Maya Blart: [reading a dating website] Okay, next question. "Tell me about yourself."
- Paul Blart: Let's see. I know a lot about sharks.
- Mom: Let me stop you right there.
- Sergeant Howard: Looks like Paul Blart turned into quite the badass.
- Commander Kent: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Relax. One thing I know is Paul Blart is not a badass.
- Paul Blart: [after showing a Loch Ness Monster tattoo on his lower back that he got while drunk] Yeah... I don't drink.
- [Last Line]
- Paul Blart: Thank you sir, but I think I'm going to stick with what I do best. That's protecting the people of the West Orange Pavilion Mall.
- Veck Sims: When are you gonna give up, Blart?
- Paul Blart: How about now? I'll meet you on the corner of "NE" and "VER"!
- Paul Blart: If you remember one thing from today, it's this: the mind is the only weapon that doesn't need a holster.
- [First Line]
- Drill Instructor: Alright you have all completed the written exam, however, you must now pass the obsticle coarse to be admitted into the training program. And remember: Survive this and you are on front lines of keeping New Jersey safe.