- The Killer Turkey: Gobble, Gobble, Motherfucker!
- The Killer Turkey: Nice tits, bitch!
- Sheriff Roud: Goddamn, Sheryl this coffee tastes like shit! What'd you do, take a dump in it?
- Sheryl the Stepmom: As a matter of fact, I did!
- [shows him the coffeepot with her poop in it]
- Sheryl the Stepmom: I want a fucking divorce!
- Darren: Looks like I got something you don't, Turkey!
- The Killer Turkey: What's that, Darren... a vagina?
- Johnny: You know, in a way, I'm glad this happened. I may have lost my parents, but I gained a girlfriend.
- Kristen: OK, girl, get a grip. There's no such thing as an evil turkey. There is no such thing as an evil turkey. There is...
- The Killer Turkey: ...No such thing as an evil turkey. Oh wait, I lied. Ha!
- Kristen: [screams]
- The Killer Turkey: Agh! That hurts! Shut the fuck up, you stupid bitch! I'm gonna drink your blood like cranberry sauce, meanie!
- The Killer Turkey: [while having sex with Ali] Damn, that was good! You just got stuffed!
- Kristen: [after a girl has lifted her shirt and shown her bra] Pull yor shirt down, honey! It's Thanksgiving, not Titsgiving!
- The Killer Turkey: It almost did, but it didn't.
- Johnny: Mom, you know me and Papa don't talk anymore. Ever since I got put at second-string quarterback he hasn't even wanted to talk to me.