- Sadie - age 9: [not swayed from the topic] So, you like Mom. Are you two gonna date now?
- Aram Finklestein: I don't know.
- Sadie - age 9: You don't really know anything, do ya? I mean, she's kinda your girlfriend.
- Frank Jr. - age 7: Are you gonna be our new dad?
- Sadie - age 9: And, if so, who'll be our nanny?
- Frank Jr. - age 7: Yeah, and what'll we call you?
- Aram Finklestein: Jesus, I'm not being nominated to Supreme Court here, guys. I just had sex with your mother.
- Aram Finklestein: [noticing a distressed mother in the next bowling lane glaring at him while grasping her child protectively] And when I say sex... I mean that I gave her... a nice massage.
- Frank Jr. - age 7: [brightly] With sperm.
- Sandy: You dirty little fucking scumbag! Take your disease-riddled whore and fuck her in hell for all eternity while the Devil burns you with hot, jagged metal and suffocates you with molten fury!
- [first lines]
- Sandy: [driving kids to school] Same thing, every fucking morning.
- Sadie - age 9: I heard that.
- Sandy: No, you didn't.
- Sadie - age 9: Yes, I did.
- Frank Jr. - age 7: I did, too.
- Sadie - age 9: Aram! Aram!
- Frank Jr. - age 7: Mom is dead!
- Aram Finklestein: What?
- Frank Jr. - age 7: Come on!
- Aram Finklestein: She's not dead.
- Sadie - age 9: Could be post-mortem twitch.
- Lateefah: Aram, I know you took some women's studies courses in college, but other than that, do you have any kind of experience that you think might've prepared you for this job?
- Aram Finklestein: Uhh... I used to buy tampons for my mother.
- Lateefah: YOU... will fit in perfectly.
- Aram Finklestein: I thought I'd met my soul mate.
- Mitch: You met a really hot French girl who needed a green card.
- Aram Finklestein: She was just so...
- Mitch: Hot!
- Aram Finklestein: It wasn't that.
- Mitch: Sexy.
- Aram Finklestein: It was something else. She needed me.
- Mitch: Yes, to get a green card.
- Mitch: You know, living at your parents' place isn't exactly... grabbing life by the balls, you know?
- Sadie - age 9: [while in a bowling alley] So does that mean you and Mom are gonna have a baby?
- Aram Finklestein: Nooo.
- Frank Jr. - age 7: I don't get it. You said that spurn makes a baby.
- Aram Finklestein: "Sperm," and it does. You know, can we stop talking about this please, okay? I like your mother, and I think she likes me, and that's all that's important.
- Sadie - age 9: And you also work for her.
- Roberta Finklestein: Oh, such a smart girl.
- Aram Finklestein: But she never graduated college, and you hated her.
- Roberta Finklestein: But the French. She spoke it so beautifully.
- Aram Finklestein: She was from there.
- Harry Finklestein: So, did Aram tell you about this operation I'm having?
- Roberta Finklestein: Harry?
- Sandy: No.
- Harry Finklestein: They're gonna give me a new asshole.
- Roberta Finklestein: There are children here.
- Sadie - age 9: Cool! Like for a dead guy?
- Sandy: Sadie.
- Harry Finklestein: I think they're gonna just fashion one out of something. Hopefully, something elastic.
- Sadie - age 9: Awesome!
- Aram Finklestein: You said it yourself. You don't wanna just coast - you know, just coast along - well, this isn't coasting. This is - this is roller coasting.
- Sensei Dana: A husband who has wronged you, who has *cheated* and *lied* to you, or you, or you
- [points finger at an student]
- Sensei Dana: or you.
- Daphne: I'm a lesbian.
- Sensei Dana: See me after class.
- Sandy: Someone like you shouldn't be with someone like me - an old girlfriend with two kids.
- Aram Finklestein: You're an ageist.
- Sandy: Yeah. Yeah. I'm an old ageist.
- Roberta Finklestein: So, what does his future hold, Rabbi?
- Aram Finklestein: Mom, he's not a palm reader.
- Sensei Dana: I am going to demonstrate what I call, "Ocean of Anger. " Hold on, because we are about to go deep. All of us, as women, have developed a reservoir of resentment and anger, and these reservoirs, put together, form an ocean, and this ocean is available for all of us to draw from. It holds the collective power of every woman who has ever been wronged. An inappropriate sexual remark, being underpaid for a job you've done better than a man, an ancestor who was a slave, or rice picker, or simply low man on the totem pole, a husband who has wronged you, who has cheated and lied to you, or you, or you, or you.
- Mitch: I just... Man, I don't see how gettin' beat up by a bunch of chicks every day is gettin' you closer to the meaning of life.
- Lateefah: Aram, I know you took some women's studies course in college. But other than that, do you have any kind of experience that you think might have prepared you for this job?
- Aram Finklestein: Uh... I used to by tampons for my mother.
- Lateefah: You will fit in perfectly.
- [shakes hands]
- Lateefah: Yes.
- Trevor: You see, we all hold our tension somewhere. For you it's in your shoulders, and just a little bit in your ass. With as much experience as I have, you can tell just by the way people walk
- [suddenly adjusts her neck]
- Trevor: , and even by the way they smile.
- [another sudden adjustment]
- Trevor: [sits down] No charge.
- Sandy: Truth is, I don't even know if I want to go on this date. It's just my friend. She's kind of forcing me. She thinks I need to get lai--er, release some tension.
- Sadie - age 9: Mom, I don't understand why we have to move into the city?
- Sandy: The city is the center of everything honey It will be a fresh start.
- Frank Jr. - age 7: Dad said that only minorities and venture Capitalists live in the city.
- Sandy: And now we do too.
- Sadie - age 9: Are we gonna meet any transvestite?
- Frank Jr. - age 7: What is transvestite?
- Sadie - age 9: It's a person who has a penis and a vagina and they live in the city.
- Sandy: That's not what it is.
- Sandy: I'm thinking about going on a date. I don't know, whether I really want to, but I think it will be a positive step for me. But I just wanted to see how you guys would feel about it.
- Sadie - age 9: Are you gonna have sex with him?
- Sandy: That's an inappropriate question..
- Rabbi: There are times when the lost must be found, and other times when the lost must find themselves.
- Roberta Finklestein: Very well said Rabbi. It's not that he's a bad little boy - just misguided, falling in with the wrong crowd.
- Aram Finklestein: Are you talking about me? I only hang out with you and Dad?
- Rabbi: The battles are not only fought on the battlefield, Roberta but also in the soul.
- Aram Finklestein: My soul is fine.
- Aram Finklestein: You always said you just wanted me to be happy.
- Roberta Finklestein: Within reason.
- Roberta Finklestein: A nanny? You're not from Trinidad, you're from the Upper West Side of Manhattan.
- Sandy: Oh God, how could this happen to me? Do you ever wonder that? How could I have floated so far off the path I thought I was on? I just thought *maybe* it would be some meaning to my life. And that's the big joke. I'm not making any sense.
- Aram Finklestein: I wasn't really thinking clearly there after Alice. And suddenly I just had this very clear thought in my head. What really matters are the people in my life. And you and your family were, are some of those people that make me feel good, make my life good, every day.
- Sandy: That is the most wonderfully and jaded naive thing I've ever heard. It's rare to find a guy who's - such a romantic.
- Sandy: A couple of the Vikings players, were charged of sexually assaulting a stripper. I have to come up with something pithy for Laura to lead with.
- Aram Finklestein: Well, Vikings have been attacking people on ships for centuries now.
- Mitch: Are you gonna date your boss? Oh, that's hot. Oh, man. Oh, wait no, she's like 60 though, I thought.
- Aram Finklestein: She's 40.
- Mitch: But she's got like a hundred kids though.
- Aram Finklestein: Two.
- Mitch: So, when is all this going down?
- Sandy: I never loved you. And I'm changing our son's name to Pablo so I never have to be reminded of *you*. And suck it you little bitch!
- Alice Marnier: I found I have this problem. I have this problem with sex, because I just use it to get what I want and I really think that's what I did with you.
- Sandy: [Frank Jr. interrupts Aram and Sandy's first intimate interaction] Frank? What are you doing up?
- Frank Jr. - age 7: Was Aram peeing on you?
- Aram Finklestein: No! Frank...
- Sandy: No.
- Aram Finklestein: I would never do that.
- Frank Jr. - age 7: Okay. Are you sleeping over?
- Sandy: No!
- Aram Finklestein: No. No?