- Wes Mantooth: With the things I've done in my life, oh, I know I'm going to burn in hell. So I sure as shit ain't afraid to burn here on earth.
- Ron Burgundy: Oh, my goodness! That's the most badass thing I've ever heard!
- Gary: Do you know what a psychiatrist is, Ron?
- Ron Burgundy: [pause... looks like he's going to cry] Fuck you...
- Freddie Shapp: You're on the 2 AM to 5 AM slot.
- Ron Burgundy: What? That's the graveyard shift!
- Brick Tamland: I ain't afraid of no ghost!
- Ron Burgundy: I'm not trying to be funny, but are you sure he's not a midget with a learning disability?
- Mack Tannen: What are you... Finnish?
- Ron Burgundy: Oddly enough I'm... hundred percent full-blown Mexican. From the state of Oaxaca.
- Veronica Corningstone: No, you're not, honey.
- Ron Burgundy: [shrugs]
- Champ Kind: I believe in two things: Chicken, and that the census is a way for the UN to make your children gay.
- [At Madison Square Park, Ron runs into Jack Lime and his team]
- Ron Burgundy: [shocked] What the hell?
- Jack Lime: Well, hello, Ron. You out for a jog?
- Ron Burgundy: Jack Lime!
- [Parents and children scatter away]
- Ron Burgundy: Where's everyone going? Please, I don't have time to talk, okay? I have to be somewhere.
- Jack Lime: Well, that's funny. 'Cause I got nowhere to be because you pretty much destroyed my career. Do you realize what it did to me, by making myself call me "Jack Lame"?
- [yells]
- Jack Lime: It was a living hell!
- [panting]
- Ron Burgundy: I'm telling you, you have to let me go!
- Jack Lime: Oh, don't worry. Four against one. This'll be over fast.
- Brian Fantana: Maybe not so fast!
- [Champ, Brick, and Brian appear to the rescue]
- Ron Burgundy: My news team! Thank God!
- Champ Kind: Ain't a day that will be or has been that we don't Ron Burgundy's back.
- Jack Lime: Not a problem. When I done with these mutts, I gonna wipe my shoes on the curb.
- Brick Tamland: Oh, yeah, Jack Lime? When I'm done with you, my mom's gonna pick me up and take me home.
- Brick Tamland: I have a black man that follows me everywhere when it's sunny.
- Ron Burgundy: Actually, I think that's your shadow Brick.
- Brick Tamland: I call him Leon, he's about half as tall as I am, depending on what time of day it is. He likes to play the timpani, and he is a water color.
- Ron Burgundy: What happens to him when it gets cloudy outside?
- Brick Tamland: He goes home.
- CBC News Anchor: There's not gonna be any fight without Scott Riles and the incredibly polite Canadian news team.
- Canadian Anchor: What about the French-speaking Quebec News? The real voice of Canada!
- CBC News Anchor: Give it a rest, eh?
- Champ Kind: Give me a break! They can't have news. Nothing happens in Canada!
- Canadian Anchor: That's not true! Sometimes people's feelings get hurt.
- CBC News Anchor: And sometimes the lake freezes.
- Brick Tamland: I like your ginger ale!
- Ron Burgundy: It doesn't matter whose fault the break-up was, I was stubborn, you were like a mentally ill whore from the 1800's.
- [a dune buggy arrives with the "ET" team]
- Jill Janson, Entertainment Tonight Reporter: It wouldn't be a battle without Jill Janson.
- Wendy Van Peele, Entertainment Tonight Reporter: And Wendy Van Peele from "Entertainment News".
- BBC News Anchor: Entertainment news is an abomination!
- Wendy Van Peele, Entertainment Tonight Reporter: Who are you wearing today? Oh, look, it's your own blood!
- Jill Janson, Entertainment Tonight Reporter: Today's celebrity birthday's: none. Today's celebrity deaths: All you trick-ass bitches.
- Ron Burgundy: Brick, what the hell is that?
- Brick Tamland: It's a gun from the future.
- MTV Host: No fair, he's got a gun from the future!
- Ron Burgundy: Where did you get it from?
- [Brick laughs]
- Mack Tannen: You guys got room in this battle for an old war horse?
- Ron Burgundy: Mack Tannen! What are you doing here? You're too old for this!
- Canadian Anchor: I had a crush on him when I was a schoolgirl.
- CBC News Anchor: You like it wrinkled, huh?
- BBC News Anchor: Wait!
- [the BBC News team arrives]
- BBC News Anchor: Here's a headline for you: "Moronic Yank Wankerman Gets a Bloody Good Hiding from News Reader from a Superior Country". For we are the BBC News Service.
- [the BBC news team yells]
- Ron Burgundy: Oh, not now!
- Brian Fantana: [referring to Jill and Wendy] I like the way they're put together.
- Champ Kind: I like fighting girls.
- Jill Janson, Entertainment Tonight Reporter: I like to cunt punt cowboys.
- Wendy Van Peele, Entertainment Tonight Reporter: You eat pussy?
- Jill Janson, Entertainment Tonight Reporter: You're gonna.
- Ron Burgundy: Now I'm not trying to sound funny here, but are you sure he's just not some midget with a mental disability?
- Freddie Shapp: Oh, hey Linda. I wanna introduce you to Ron Burgundy.
- Linda Jackson: Hello Mr. Burgundy.
- Ron Burgundy: Oh, black. You're black.
- [Linda laughs awkwardly]
- Ron Burgundy: I'm terribly sorry, I don't know why I can't stop saying: black.
- Linda Jackson: Is this for real?
- Freddie Shapp: I'm sorry.
- Linda Jackson: [angry] No it's okay. Okay. So you have a black boss. And it's freaking you out. Is it freaking you out?
- Ron Burgundy: A little bit.
- Linda Jackson: Are you freaked out?
- Ron Burgundy: To be honest
- Linda Jackson: [yells] Is it freaking you out?
- Champ Kind: Oh! She's got a knife!
- [Brick hides behind a couch]
- Ron Burgundy: I think you scared him. You can't shout at Brick.
- Linda Jackson: We're not all here to hold hands and sing Kumbaya. So as long as you guys get numbers, we are gonna get along just fine. Now if you don't, I am gonna be icy and unpleasant. You dig?
- Ron Burgundy: I dig. We all dig.
- History Channel Host: Hey, the History Network wants in on this. We're news too. Only news told much, much later.
- Ron Burgundy: Wait a minute, is that The Ghost of Stonewall Jackson with you?
- History Channel Host: Yes, it is. And the Mighty Minotaur.
- Jack Lime: I don't know about this, man, the Minotaur isn't even history. He's mythology.
- Ron Burgundy: Hey, lets not downplay the fact that that's The Ghost of Stonewall Jackson!
- The Ghost of Stonewall Jackson: May the Lord anoint this hollowed field of battle.
- ESPN Reporter: Jeff Bullington, ESPN, all sports. Tonight's play of the day is me, extracting you spine from your dead body.
- Ron Burgundy: All right, everyone, listen up! By virtue of being on this battlefield, there is no return. People will die.
- Jill Janson, Entertainment Tonight Reporter: I'm so horny right now.
- Ron Burgundy: Some will be disfigured. In some cases, lasting friendships will be made. And as usual, no touching of the hair and face.
- CBC News Anchor: Come on. What do we look like, rookies?
- CBC News Anchor, Canadian Anchor: Sorry.
- Ron Burgundy: When El Trousias, Maiden of the Clouds, blows the battle horn, let the battle begin!
- El Trousias Maiden of the Clouds: [on top of the Flatiron Building; yells] I am El Trousias! Hear my siren song!
- [plays the battle song]
- ESPN Reporter: El Trousias... The Juicies'. Hmm.
- El Trousias Maiden of the Clouds: That means you can start.
- [giving the sports recap, featuring several home runs in rapid succession]
- Champ Kind: Whammy! Whammy! Whammy! Whammy! Whammy! Whammy! Whammy! Whammy! Whammy! Whammy! Whammy! Whammy! Whammy! Whammy! Whammy! Back to you Ron.
- Ron Burgundy: [when coming up with name suggestions for Jack Lime] How about this one? You can call yourself Dick Fuck.
- MTV Host: If y'all gonna get down, then Wesley Jackson and the MTV News Crew want in!
- Brian Fantana: What's MTV?
- Ron Burgundy: I think it's a venereal disease.
- MTV Host: The most requested video of the day, a new band called Burgundy Sucking Chestwomb.
- Champ Kind: [the team visits Ron after he losts his eyesight] So, Ron, what do you do with yourself all day ? You're just out here pretty much away from everything.
- Ron Burgundy: Well, every day begins about the same. I wake up screaming in terror because of the blackness and I think I'm dead