- Scott: What kind of fucking man are you anyway? You do this to your own fucking friends?
- Carter McMullen: When it comes to pussy, I have no friends!
- [Scott's phone rings]
- Scott: It's Amy.
- Carter McMullen: Oh, well you probably want to take that don't you since you're practically married already.
- Mike Malloy: Guess what I do: When I'm 80 miles away from my wife, I turn off my fucking phone! Then she can't call me, she can't text me, she can't make me send a photo of where I'm at because she's insecure!
- Scott: That's why your marriage sucks.
- Mike Malloy: Well she put on 30 pounds so...
- Mike Malloy: What the fuck are you doing? Is this a fucking joke?
- Mossberg: Oh yeah, and the punchline's a killer!