- Lt. Dirk Arnold: Well, look what we have here!
- Lt. Dirk Arnold: I haven't seen this many turds since I won that campus hot dog eating contest.
- [Dirk and Benedict laugh]
- Corporal Benedict: Yeah, I haven't seen this many pansies since I was picking flowers yesterday.
- [Benedict laughs, but Dirk gives him a strange look]
- Corporal Benedict: [whispers] Don't you remember I was making that arrangement?
- Reverend Dawkins: You know, I took the time to check Jesus' transcripts, and I found out that Jesus has a perfect G.P.A. Yeah, that stands for God Point Average.
- [Everyone in attendance laughs]
- [Introducing themselves to each other]
- Lt. Dirk Arnold: Lieutenant Dirk Arnold, ROTC
- Corporal Benedict: Corporal Benedict, ROTC
- Van Wilder: Van Wilder, WTF?
- Dean Charles Reardon: Well, well, Mr. Wilder. Nice of you to join us. Colonel Charles Reardon, Dean, Coolidge College.
- Van Wilder: How's it hanging, Chuck?
- Van Wilder: Standing here today, I cannot help but wish I could stay in high school forever. I mean, there are so many warm mammories... Memories I have of this place.
- [Van Wilder is receiving a blow job on stage from the Valedictorian]
- Van Wilder: But, you see, change, like life, has a way of sneaking up on us. When we least expect it, yeah. Sure, the timing may seem very, very bad, but yet it feels good, so good, to be graduating with some of the sharpest minds and swiftly darting tongues that this school has to offer. Listen to me ramble. I am really giving you a mouthful. But before I'm finished, it is my extreme pleasure to recognize someone who has aced her oral exams, who has always been head of the class, graduating summa cum laude. Our very own valedictorian.