- Nathan Porl: Tell James to get in costume, have the make-up people give him a quick once over, get me a strong cup of coffee and hide all the toilet paper.
- Billie Parker: Why the toilet paper?
- Nathan Porl: Because I'm a petty, petty man, Billie.
- Nathan Porl: I'm sorry, where were we? Ah, yes, you were trying to rip my testicles out through my wallet. Why should I give you a hundred bucks?
- Bob Garelli: Because a hundred bucks stops me from telling Fillipe here to start humping your scenery.
- Susan Darkholme: Oh my God, we are so over. And you know what? You're not even any good and you're hung like a baby carrot! And I swear if I find you back at our apartment tonight, I'll wait till you're asleep, throw kerosene on your balls, light a match and dance in the flames! Got it?
- Nathan Porl: [Separating them] Well if that isn't a lesson in fire safety, I don't know what is.
- Trent Rockwell: How can a carrot have a baby?
- Billie Parker: Why the sudden change, Malcolm?
- Malcolm Thompson: I felt the stage whisper to me. I heard Lady Theatre beckon me to drink deep from her and take the stage on this most glorious night. And as a vessel for the craft of acting itself, I say that the world will not be denied my brilliance tonight!
- Nathan Porl: You didn't want to be replaced by the janitor, huh?
- Nathan Porl: Jose, how would you like to be a star?
- Fillipe: Clean toilet?
- Nathan Porl: No, you can clean the toilet later, we need you to act right now.
- Trent Rockwell: Oh, no, no Mr. Porl. Thelma said she wanted me to taste her pudding so I was just...
- Nathan Porl: Sweet Lord, what do you take ginseng or something? Put your snake in it's cage and finish getting in your damn costume before I hand Susan a pack of matches! Run, Forrest, run!
- Nathan Porl: Trent? What the hell is wrong with him?
- Susan Darkholme: He's a stupid, untalented man-whore with brain the size of a retarded hamster!
- Nathan Porl: Okay, I'm with you so far, now what's the problem?
- Billie Parker: And we'll keep him dressed all in black and have him be almost phantom like. It'll be so out there, people will think we're being all artsy and experimental.
- Nathan Porl: It makes absolutely no sense in the context of the play, but that's never stopped us before.