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Jack Black in Kung Fu Panda 2 (2011)

Quotes

Kung Fu Panda 2

Edit
  • Po: [stares up a long passage] Ah. My old enemy... stairs!
  • Soothsayer: Your story may not have such a happy beginning, but that doesn't make you who you are. It is the rest of your story, who you *choose* to be. So, who are you, panda?
  • Po: [determined] I am Po. And I'm gonna need a hat.
  • Mantis: You know, guys, I never expected to die like this. I thought I'd meet a nice girl, settle down, and then she'd eat my head.
  • Shen: How did you find peace? I took away your parents! Everything! I scarred you for life!
  • Po: See, that's the thing, Shen. Scars heal.
  • Shen: No they don't. *Wounds* heal.
  • Po: Oh, yeah. What do scars do? They fade, I guess?
  • Shen: I don't *care* what scars do!
  • Po: You should, Shen. You gotta let go of that stuff from past, because it just doesn't matter! The only thing that matters is what you choose to be now.
  • Shen: You're right. Then I choose *this*!
  • [Shen attacks Po with his knives; they fight until Shen accidentally dislodges his destroyed cannon and is crushed by it]
  • Tigress: I hope this turns out better than your plan to cook rice in your stomach by eating it raw and then drinking boiling water...
  • Po: This is nothing like that plan.
  • Tigress: How?
  • Po: Because this one is gonna work.
  • Po: My fist hungers for justice!
  • [his stomach gurgles]
  • Po: That was my... fist.
  • Mantis: I didn't have any problems with my dad. Maybe it's 'cause Mom ate his head before I was born...
  • Po: [struggling to his knees] I *have* to get to him.
  • Tigress: [threateningly] Then tell me why!
  • Po: He was there, OK? The peacock was there the last time I saw my parents! He knows what happened... where I came from... who I am.
  • [Tigress stares and opens her mouth slightly as her expression softens]
  • Po: Look, I'm going.
  • [stands up]
  • Po: I have to know. The hard core can't understand.
  • [Tigress frowns and lunges at Po]
  • Viper: Tigress, no!
  • [Tigress hugs Po; Crane's jaw drops]
  • Tigress: [warmly] The hard core *do* understand.
  • [pulls away]
  • Tigress: But I can't watch my friend be killed.
  • [to the others]
  • Tigress: We're going.
  • Crane: Uh, maybe you can't watch *me* be killed?
  • Tigress: [firmly] Stop being a wimp.
  • Monkey: And... she's back.
  • Master Storming Ox: [sighs] Don't worry, kid. You're better off here.
  • Tigress: Impressive, Dragon Warrior! What's your plan?
  • Po: Step one, free the Five!
  • Viper: What's step two?
  • Po: Honestly, I didn't think I was gonna make it this far.
  • Tigress: Po!
  • Po: Uh, stop Shen before he gets to the harbor!
  • Po: I threw up around the third floor, so you might want to clean that up. You guys got an evil janitor around here or something?
  • Shen: The only reason you are still alive is that I find your stupidity mildly amusing.
  • Po: Well thank you, but I find your evilness extremely annoying!
  • Shen: Who do you think you are, Panda?
  • Po: Who do you think I am, Peacock?
  • [both laugh for an extended time, each taking turns]
  • Po: Why are we laughing?
  • Shen: Greetings, panda. We meet at...
  • Po: [interrupting] Hey, how ya doin'?
  • Shen: [flustered] Eh - hey.
  • Soothsayer: [foretelling] If you continue on your current path, you will find yourself... at the bottom of the stairs.
  • [Shen sees he has reached the bottom of the stairs]
  • Soothsayer: I see... I see... I see, pain!
  • [she pulls out one of Shen's feathers]
  • Shen: Ow!
  • Soothsayer: And anger!
  • [she takes a bite out of Shen's robe]
  • Shen: How dare you! This is the finest silk in the province!
  • Po: I'm not freaking out, I'm freaking *in*.
  • Po: They must be close. I can feel a Kung Fu chill riding up my spine.
  • Viper: Sorry, Po. It's just me.
  • Po: Dad, there's something you should know. While I was gone, I found the village where I was born. I found out how I ended up in that radish basket.
  • Mr. Ping: You did?
  • Po: I know who I am.
  • Mr. Ping: [nervously] You do?
  • Po: ...I'm your son.
  • Mr. Ping: Oh...
  • Po: [picks him up and hugs him] I love you, Dad.
  • Mr. Ping: I love you too, son.
  • Po: Shen! A panda stands between you and your...
  • [cut to Shen, who can barely hear Po say "destiny"]
  • Shen: WHAT?
  • [cut back to Po]
  • Po: Prepare yourself for a hot...
  • [cut again to Shen, who can still barely hear anything]
  • Shen: What?
  • Soothsayer: I see... I see... pain.
  • [plucks out some of Shen's feathers]
  • Shen: OW!
  • Soothsayer: And anger.
  • [chews on the hem of his robe]
  • Shen: How dare you! That is the finest silk in the province!
  • Soothsayer: Followed by denial.
  • Shen: This is not fortune-telling, you're just saying what's happening right...!
  • Soothsayer: Now?
  • [Shen glares]
  • Soothsayer: The most important time, is now.
  • Po: How can kung fu stop something that stops kung fu?
  • Mr. Ping: So, how did it go? Did you save China?
  • Po: Yep.
  • Mr. Ping: Well, I knew you would! That's why I had these signs made! "My son saved China - you too can save! Buy one dumpling, get one free!"
  • Shen: Call in the wolves. All of them! I want them ready to move. The year of the peacock begins now!
  • Wolf Boss: Right now? Cause it's the middle of the year... so you'd only get like a half of the year of the peacock.
  • [Shen glares at him, raising a dagger]
  • Wolf Boss: And this is the year, of course, of the peacock. Happy new year, sir.
  • Shen: Get the wolves ready. We're loading the ships now...
  • [shouts]
  • Shen: NOW! Now, now, now, now!
  • Monkey: At the first sign of trouble, I'll give you a signal. Ka-Ka! Kee-Kee!
  • Po: You mean like Crane does?
  • Monkey: Yeah.
  • Crane: Excuse me? When have I ever made that noise?
  • [after Po is apparently killed by Shen's cannon and the Five are captured]
  • Monkey: We cannot give up hope. Po would want us to remain strong. Hardcore! Right, Tigress?
  • [Tigress is silent in grief]
  • Shen: How many times do I have to kill the same stinking panda?
  • Shen: Are you willing to die to find the truth?
  • Po: You bet I am...! Although, I'd prefer not to.
  • Soothsayer: This was a thriving village. Young Shen was in line to rule Gongmen City. But he wanted more. I foretold that someone would stand in his way. A panda. But I never could have foretold what came next.
  • [Po has another flashback of Shen attacking the panda village]
  • Soothsayer: Stop fighting. Let it flow.
  • [last lines, as a panda from far away senses something]
  • Panda Dad: My son is alive.
  • [the panda looks down on other pandas living in a valley]
  • Shifu: This could be the end of Kung Fu.
  • Po: But I just got Kung Fu!
  • Shifu: And now, you must *save* it!
  • Shen: [triumphantly] You were wrong, Soothsayer!
  • [wields sword]
  • Shen: We sail to victory tonight. Your magic panda is clearly a fool!
  • Soothsayer: [angrily] Are you certain it is the panda that is a fool? You just destroyed your ancestral home, Shen!
  • Shen: A trivial sacrifice... when all of China is my reward.
  • [pokes the burning tip to a map of China, which bursts into a spreading flame]
  • Soothsayer: Then will you finally be satisfied? Will the subjugation of the whole world finally make you feel better?
  • Shen: [Sneers] It's a start. I was also thinking of converting the basement into a dungeon.
  • Soothsayer: [pause] The cup you choose to fill has no bottom. It is time to stop this madness.
  • Shen: And why on Earth would I do that?
  • Soothsayer: So your parents can rest in peace.
  • Shen: [bitterly] My parents... hated me. Do you understand? They - they wronged me. And... I will make it right.
  • Soothsayer: They loved you. They loved you so much that having to send you away killed them.
  • Shen: [pause] The dead exist in the past. And I must attend to the future.
  • [to his gorilla guard]
  • Shen: Set the Soothsayer free. She is of no use to me.
  • Soothsayer: [sadly] Goodbye, Shen. I wish you happiness.
  • Shen: Happiness... must be taken. And I will take mine.
  • Po: [determined] I am Po... and I'm gonna need a hat.
  • [the Soothsayer chews on Shen's robe]
  • Shen: Will you stop that?
  • Mr. Ping: Oh, Po, your story may not have such a happy beginning, but look how it turned out. You got me, you got kung fu, and you got noodles!
  • Po: Nothing's unstoppable except for me when I'm stopping you from telling me something's unstoppable.
  • Po: And now, to free the Five!
  • [takes off his hat]
  • Po: Disc of Destruction!
  • [He throws his hat... which doesn't go far and lands on a roof right in front of him]
  • Shen: Okay... take aim!
  • Shen: So, one panda lives. That does not make you right.
  • Soothsayer: You're right. Being *right* makes me right.
  • Shen: Then I will kill him, and make you wrong!
  • Soothsayer: A peacock... is defeated by a warrior of black and white. Nothing has changed.
  • Shen: [enraged, then laughs] That is impossible, and you know it.
  • Soothsayer: It is *not* impossible, and *he* knows it.
  • Shen: Who?
  • Wolf Boss: [enters] Lord Shen, I saw a panda!
  • Shen: A panda?
  • [jumps on the wolf]
  • Wolf Boss: A kung fu warrior! He fought like a demon! Big and furry, soft and squishy... kind of plush and cuddly.
  • Crane: [On seeing a poor person being mistreated by a wolf over cooking rice] Po, do something.
  • Po: How am I suppose to help her cook rice without getting caught?... Wait, I have a better idea!
  • Po: You! You're mine!
  • Wolf Boss: I'll tell you what's gonna be yours. My fist in your plush cuddly, super soft face!
  • [suddenly Monkey and Crane jump on the two wolf soldiers]
  • Wolf Boss: Uh-oh!
  • [he runs away]
  • Po: Get him!
  • Master Thundering Rhino: What do you want, Shen?
  • Shen: What is rightfully mine: Gongmen City!
  • Master Thundering Rhino: Gongmen is under the stewardship of the Council of Masters, and we will protect it. Even from you.
  • Shen: [laughs] I'm so glad you feel that way! Otherwise I'd have dragged... that all the way here for nothing.
  • [He motions to his wolf soldiers dragging a heavy crate into the courtyard]
  • Master Storming Ox: What's in the box, Shen?
  • Shen: You want to see? It's a gift. It's your parting gift... in that it will part you. Part of you here, part of you there, and part of you way over there, staining the wall!
  • Master Storming Ox: You insolent fool!
  • Tigress: Don't worry Mr. Ping. He'll be back before you can say "noodles".
  • Mr. Ping: [stands there worried, while the the five and Po go to save China] "noodles"
  • Po: I found out that my dad... isn't really my dad.
  • Tigress: Your dad, the goose?
  • [Po nods]
  • Tigress: [deadpan] That must have been quite a shock.
  • Crane: So that was stealth mode?
  • Po: Yeah, to be honest, not one of my stronger modes.
  • [from trailer]
  • Po: Kung-fu staring contest! GO!
  • [stares at the viewer for 16 seconds]
  • Po: You guys look amazing, by the way...
  • Mantis: Fear the bug!
  • Po: [Tigress catches him beating up the ship's mast] Uh, I'm... training.
  • Tigress: The mast is not a worthy opponent.
  • [flips through the air and lands beside Po with her hand extended toward him]
  • Tigress: I am ready.
  • Po: Okay. So serious...
  • Wolf Boss: [to Po as they are surrounded by wolf soldiers] Guess nobody told you, you mess with the wolf, you get the fangs!
  • Wolf Boss: [he hits Po in the stomach] I've hit you twice. What are you gonna do now?
  • Po: [he looks undefeated at Wolf Boss but then suddenly shouts] We surrender!
  • Wolf Boss: Spread out! Search everywhere!
  • Wolf: What about over there?
  • Wolf Boss: Is "there" a part of "everywhere"?
  • Wolf: Uh, I guess.
  • Wolf Boss: [shouts] Then search there!
  • Wolf Boss: [Po gets distracted by his Shen's symbol on Wolf Boss's right shoulder plate and gets hit by Wolf Boss's hammer, knocking him into the bunny villagers] Chew on that, tubby!
  • Mr. Ping: Thank you, thank you for coming to Dragon Warrior Noodles and Tofu!
  • Master Croc: Vengeance is served!

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