Kill Her Goats

Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding! We have a winner... "Kill Her Goats" must be the poorest and most useless excuse for a horror movie in history. And, please, don't let anyone tell you it's a spoof or deliberately bad. It's just plain bad. There are tongue-in-cheek elements present, for sure, but the skills and talent to process these into a good parody/horror comedy are missing.

In a strange way, I almost admire writer/director Steve Wolsh. Either this man has been living under a rock and never heard of all the socially & politically correct movements of recent years, or he has... but genuinely doesn't care! Fact remains that Wolsh treated himself to a party! He somehow successfully pretended to helm a film production and gathered a whole bunch of untalented but lewd 'actresses' that he could record in various stages of undress. Well done, Steve! Glad you had fun.

"Kill Her Goats" stars six gorgeous girls with perfect (and sometimes enhanced) measurements. Never mind their names because they were obviously just cast based on their bra-size and willingness to do nudity in front of the camera. The plot revolves around them being hunt down by some guy (or two guys?) wearing a goat mask.

75% of the running time exists of footage of girls taking showers, drinking wine in their undies, changing tops, getting ready for bed, or posing for social media photographs. In the barely 25% of time that is left, Wolsh still manages to ruin everything. Who are these killers? What are their motivations? What's the significance of the dream-sequence at the cemetery? Who's the couple in the tent? Why imply to make it look like a New England haunted house tale during the opening sequences? Why doesn't anyone so much as even think about calling 911? Etc. Sure, track down a copy if you want to gaze at cute girls without clothes, but I think there are easier alternatives for that.

College grad Audra Bucklebee gets a house on Cape Cod. Her ex Devon Bruce is pissed. She has her friends, Missy Becks and Reese Knox, over for a house-warming sleepover. Something with a goat-face is in the house.

This is basically a stupid indie slasher horror. None of it is any good. It does have two unusual aspects. It has goats. There are real goats and a guy in a goat mask. I actually like the goat mask, but it's still not good. The other aspect is the bevy of buxom babes. Some of them are actual Playboy Playmates. There are literally two girls taking showers one after the other. They are wearing skimpy outfits and some are showing off their T&A. The acting is poor, but I actually expected worst. If Playboy made horrors, this is what it would look like.

The opening scene certainly sets you up for making you think you're in for one hell of a gory movie. The murder of a pair of campers by Goat Face & his dual, giant hedge trimmers, which provides plenty of gore & bare skin. It certainly feels like you're back in the 80s. After the opening kill scene Kill Her Goats turns into something that looks more like an 80s T&A film or a soft core porno than a horror film. There are loads of shots of women jumping on beds, bouncing down stairs, whipping off bikini tops & taking showers. Which wouldn't be bad except that this is supposed to be a horror movie & those scenes are shot in such a bland, by-the-numbers fashion that they can't overcome the truly terrible dialogue & acting. There's never any suspense or feeling of dread because we're dealing with terrible acting & unlikable characters that we don't care about. As for the plot, it's almost impossible to figure out what is actually going on. It's not the worst movie but it has many flaws.

Overall, the potential was there for Kill Her Goats. It could have been a wicked throwback to the golden age of slashers. Unfortunately, the filmmakers consistently made bad decisions & squandered that potential along with an hour & a half of the viewer's life.

I mean, it had all the elements of a good slasher naked girls, girls in underwear, girls in underwear getting slashed, blood and gore, but no story development, just reasonable looking naked girls who couldn't deliver a natural line if their lives depended on it let alone a natural boob (with the exception of the aussie girl) by the end of the movie I just sat there asking myself what just happened? Is that it?, what happened to the story of the Tupp house? Was this all just about daddies money, if so why even bother with a story about the Tupp house and not carry on with it , all in all nice to look at and a little fun but good cinema it isn't.

Considering the cast entirely consists of Onlyfans sex workers...it's not surprising that the best thing about this film is the boobs.

The question is...if it's written like a porn; shot like a porn; and cast like a porn...does that make it a porn?

Probably.

But there definitely weren't enough goat-man sex scenes for my particular taste.

There are a healthy amount of boobs, however.

And they are very nice boobs.

So it has that going for it, at least.

But the plot is totally inconceivable.

What we do know, is that one of the girls has purchased a beach house known as the Tupp House (fresh out of college, no less. So, from the proceeds of her Onlyfans, no doubt).

You are led to believe the house has some sort of storied, probably violent, history.

But they make no attempt to explain what that actually is.

Instead, choosing, to keep you distracted with more boobs.

The writing is also hilariously bad.

Though, you can't help but be amazed that the actresses were actually able to remember the lines without a teleprompter.

Good for them.

The whole thing is so poorly constructed, that you can actually watch the entire thing...and have literally no idea what it's about.

Eventually, the goats do show up, though.

And that's when things start to get epic.

Because, not only does the one goat-man have a DOUBLE freaking chainsaw!!!

Another of the goats has boobs.

Cause, why not?!

Right?

I guess that makes them more furries than goats, though.

So the secret must be that the Tupp's were a family of goat-themed furries, or something, I suppose.

Either way, after reading this, you'd probably think that it's a completely unwatchable film (considering there's no actual goat sex in it).

But, oddly enough, there's just enough boobs in it, to keep you engaged.

At least long enough for you to realize the goats don't get to smash.

A missed oppourtunity, if I've ever seen one.

To their credit, however...the ending is actually unpredictable.

It might not make a whole lot of sense.

But it's doubtful you would see it coming.

So, there's that too, I guess.

Was This A Porn?

I Still Can't Tell.

But If The Goats Aren't Getting Laid By The Sequel...They're Not Playing Their Cards Right.

2 out of 10, cause...boobs.