Kill Her Goats

The fact that this movie stars Kane Hodder, the man behind the mask in Friday the 13th, had me instantly and the chainsaw and blood-covered cleavage in the poster helped too.

Even the great Easter Egg which is the town where it all happens being called West Craven, which when said with their accent, sounds exactly like the name of the director of A Nightmare on Elm Street and Scream.

Unfortunately the movie itself is just an excuse for former Playboy models to show off their bodies, but on the other hand, fortunately the movie itself is just an excuse for former Playboy models to show off their bodies.

Very little script, even less conversation, and even less plot. I give the movie itself one star, and the breasts earn two stars as they are far more impressive than anything else on show.

I did actually watch the director's other attempt at making a horror movie after finishing this movie. It is far worse, mainly due to the lack of uncovered breasts in comparison to this movie.

This is the kind of movie you tell someone to watch as a practical joke.

Yeah, that was a swing and a miss...

Stumbling upon the oddly titled "Kill Her Goats" horror movie here in 2023, of course I opted to watch it, given my love of the horror cinema. However, I have to admit that I wasn't all that thrilled about it, as the movie had managed to land a staggering 2.9 rating here on IMDb when I sat down to watch it.

However, opting to give the movie the benefit of the doubt, I still found the time to sit down and watch what writer and director Steve Wolsh had to offer.

And I couldn't sit through the entire 99 minutes that the movie ran for. I managed to endure a staggering 51 minutes of the most immature and pointless writing for a script that I have seen in a long, long time. There was no contents to the script, no proper storyline, and it was essentially all about showing off scantily clad women in various degrees of undress having a sleepover of sorts. That was about it. Nothing worthwhile sitting down to watch here actually.

Needless to say that I wasn't familiar with the cast ensemble in "Kill Her Goats". Nor can I say that I was impressed with anything I saw, because the actresses on the cast list virtually had nothing to work with in terms of script, character gallery or dialogue. Perusing through the cast ensemble listed on IMDb, I must admit that I am very, very surprised to see Kane Hodder on the cast list for this movie. Three words come to mind here; Kane Hodder, why?

The movie's best aspect was the cover and the whacky title.

It should be said though, that the movie actually does have a fair production level to it. But that really did nothing to alleviate for the immense shortcoming of an immature and pointless script, non-distinct characters and wobbly dialogue.

If you enjoy horror movies, take heed of the movie's low rating and give writer and director Steve Wolsh's 2023 horror movie "Kill Her Goats" a wide berth. It simply isn't worth the time, effort or money.

My rating of of "Kill Her Goats" lands on a two out of ten stars. And believe you me when I say that I am not even going to bother returning to watch the rest of the movie; I just simply didn't care about the non-existing storyline or the flaccid character gallery.

Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding! We have a winner... "Kill Her Goats" must be the poorest and most useless excuse for a horror movie in history. And, please, don't let anyone tell you it's a spoof or deliberately bad. It's just plain bad. There are tongue-in-cheek elements present, for sure, but the skills and talent to process these into a good parody/horror comedy are missing.

In a strange way, I almost admire writer/director Steve Wolsh. Either this man has been living under a rock and never heard of all the socially & politically correct movements of recent years, or he has... but genuinely doesn't care! Fact remains that Wolsh treated himself to a party! He somehow successfully pretended to helm a film production and gathered a whole bunch of untalented but lewd 'actresses' that he could record in various stages of undress. Well done, Steve! Glad you had fun.

"Kill Her Goats" stars six gorgeous girls with perfect (and sometimes enhanced) measurements. Never mind their names because they were obviously just cast based on their bra-size and willingness to do nudity in front of the camera. The plot revolves around them being hunt down by some guy (or two guys?) wearing a goat mask.

75% of the running time exists of footage of girls taking showers, drinking wine in their undies, changing tops, getting ready for bed, or posing for social media photographs. In the barely 25% of time that is left, Wolsh still manages to ruin everything. Who are these killers? What are their motivations? What's the significance of the dream-sequence at the cemetery? Who's the couple in the tent? Why imply to make it look like a New England haunted house tale during the opening sequences? Why doesn't anyone so much as even think about calling 911? Etc. Sure, track down a copy if you want to gaze at cute girls without clothes, but I think there are easier alternatives for that.

Kill Her Goats is an amusing, low budget horror for the right crowd. It is shot very competently and has great practical effects.

The dialogue is hilariously bad, and is really what keeps this film entertaining. The film's weakness is in the pacing and editing. Sequences are just far too long and this film could have been chopped down quite a bit. I wouldn't say I was ever bored though. The characters talking to themselves, saying very out of the box things kept my attention.

Not a great movie by any means, but for fans of straight to disc/streaming horror, there might be something there for you. A 6/10 because I'm feeling generous.

I don't even know what this was.

It's like they asked a 12 year old to wirte a horror movie. And he was like "ok, what's it about?" And they said "nothing". But it's called "Kill Her Goats". So...involve goats in some way.

And the he was like "ohhh killer goats"...I got it.

And they said "no, goats have nothing to do with it. But you like boobs, right? " And he said "yeah". And made this movie.

There's literally a line towards the end where a chick says "why are there goats?". I don't think it was even in the script.

I almost recommend it just because of how absurd it is.

It's like a Rob Zombie film if Rob Zombie was a child.