The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn - Part 1

For those not familiar with the rules of the Official Twilight drinking game they are as follows.

Take a shot/sip when... 1. Someone says the word vampire or wolf or any variation including "newborns". 2. Whenever someone sparkles. 3. When the father appears in police uniform. 4. Whenever someone is brooding. 5. Whenever an obnoxious hipster indie song is being played in the background. 6. Whenever someone doesn't have his shirt on. 7. Whenever someone gives an unrealistically generous gift, does a foolishly gallant act or otherwise bends the rules of common sense for Bella.

Drink the rest of the bottle when... 1. Someone unattractive or out of shape is on screen. 2. Something in a scene makes you feel anything other than sleepiness or the need to plant your face in your hands.

Thus I delved into the world of Breaking Dawn Part 1. In this film, Edward and Bella take the plunge so she can become a vampire like she's always wanted. Jacob pisses and moans, and Bella has unprotected sex while still human resulting in her mutant baby trying to eat its way out of her womb. You know, true love and all that good stuff.

My roommate, whose expertise on Twilight I value as much as one reasonably can, filled in some of the holes that went unexplained or glossed over in the flick. Why can't they just turn her into a vampire while pregnant? Because it would kill the baby. Why is the act of sex with a vampire while human potentially deadly? Because their skins as hard as diamonds and they're super strong. How can these vampires live for eons amassing enough money to afford a private island off the coast of Brazil without the IRS at least knowing about it? And for that matter why would vampires want a vacation home in sunny Rio anyway? Just shut up and watch the movie!

My roommate did bring up an interesting notion that was not explained in the movie nor, she believes, explained in the book. How can they even have sex? Vampires have no pulse so they have no blood actually coursing through their veins. It only stands to reason that Edward can't get his little Dracula to stand at attention. So Bella is waiting to be turned, just so she can have human carnal knowledge of a cold corpse with a flaccid iditarod. Perhaps if you're being turned into a bloodsucker while you're performing (its been known to happen in vampire movies) then you'd have a fully erect projectile for always and forever but that would be a very inconvenient case of rigamortis. You'd never be able to wear mesh shorts, birds would always want to perch on you and all your vampire friends would always call you Vlad the Impaler. But on the positive side you'd actually achieve every pubescent boy's deep seeded fantasy; you could use you're dingus as a weapon!

Of course its all fun and games until someone gets pregnant. That's why its important kids, to make and keep important commitments to your loved ones. In this case, commit to spending the rest of eternity with a manipulative Gothic horror monster before getting jiggy with it or else be forced to drink O- slurpees while your ribcage and spine breaks from the force of your bloodthirsty monster child. By the way, the baby's name is Renesmee a mix of Bella's mother's name and the punchline of a cruel practical joke. The newborn is also imprinted by Jacob which is a way for a werewolf to leave his marking that disappointingly doesn't involve rising his hind legs.

In the end, Breaking Dawn Part 1 is a vapid, stupid, glacierly paced movie with very little going for it other than the welcome sight of Bella withering away. So its a substantial improvement from the rest of the series. I actually look forward to the next and hopefully final chapter in the franchise. Maybe if I get liquored up before the premiere (or during), I would only remember the good parts, like the credits.

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There is not much happening altogether in this film. They put way too much focus on the wedding and the honeymoon, thus wasting precious time. But I guess all those teenage girl fans wanted a full portrayal of the big romantic wedding.

In all of the previous films, I liked the acting of most of the cast a lot. But in this film, everyone except Bella, Edward & Jacob is marginalised to such an extent that there cannot be much said about them. As an audience you just don't get to see enough of any of them to really develop a connection with or care about them.

Altogether this is an OK addition to the franchise, by no means worse than the disappointing/confusing 2nd or 3rd films. I assume I will give this film either a 5 or a 6 (out of 10), but I think I will withhold my final vote until I have seen part 2. I know some might say that they are released as separate films and therefore should be treated as such, but as the original book is ripped into two halves here, I think it is fair to reserve the final judgement until I have seen the two films in conjunction (seeing that, as I haven't read the books, I will need to have seen both films in order to make sense of it all).

Roger Ebert, one of the most widely beloved film critics once had a quote about the infamous Larry Bishop gangster spoof Mad Dog Time. That quote went "''Mad Dog Time'' is the first movie I have seen that does not improve on the sight of a blank screen viewed for the same length of time." That's how I ultimately feel about The Twilight Saga Breaking Dawn Part 1. It is a terrible film that, despite its best efforts, turns into a big pile of nothingness. What did the filmmakers want to accomplish here? Well, there are a couple thing such as money, cabbage, and oh yeah, dough. This film was made on the assumption that millions of teenage girls are going to throw down their allowance to go see it. As I went to a public theater to see this and not an advanced screening, their assumptions was right. I was the only male in the theater. No boyfriends, husbands, males by themselves, ETC. May I also mention that there was a very limited range of females under 16 in the theater. Seriously, who thinks of this crap? This film can be summed up in a simple, short explanation-it's a soap opera made for young women instead of middle aged women. I'm not trying to sound sexist or derogatory but this is the way the world works..movies are made specifically for teenage girls to throw their allowance down. Unfortunately, this one, like most of them is petrifying to watch.

Breaking Dawn has been breaking box office records since its release. Sadly though, I really can't see why.

Aside from the importance of the wedding to be shown, and the last 30 minutes of it that "saved-the-bell", this movie is boring.

The only thing about the movie that I liked is the fact that, in this installment, Jacob Black owned Edward Cullen.

Not being a fan of the series, the book, nor the story, should make me expect less.

However, that is not a reason for this, or any film to be made this bad.

I like twilight. i wouldn't say i LOVE it, but i found the books to be amusing, warm and a good time waster. The movies seem to be more about capitalising on funds rather than delivering a decent plot.

i've never been a fan of Kristin Stewart (insipid droning teenager that she is in all of the movieS) but she actually appears to present somewhat of a decent acting skill in this movie, whereas cold, boring edward (who in the books was a heart-throb) is just as terribly pathetic as he was in the previous movies. The man that has stolen the show, taylor lautner, since he took his shirt off in the second movie was pushed into the background a little bit in this movie, which i think was the worst thing they could have done. but, in the same token, they had to do as its a love story between edward and bella, not bella and jacob. I'm just a little disappointed by the way they've dragged this on. but i was disappointed by the books towards the end too.

We took our whole office at the penrith professionals and there were mixed reviews. The oldies hated it, the middle agers (who knew the basic plot line of the movie) found it a nice romance but fairly boring and the young girls loved it for the sheer fact it was twilight.

I wouldn't see it again, thats for sure.