- Jim Gaffigan: No one's ever jealous when they hear you went bowling. "Oh, you went bowling? Glad I couldn't make it."
- Jim Gaffigan: I struggle with my laziness. I mean, should I sit down and do nothing, or should I lie down and do nothing?
- Jim Gaffigan: I love Waffle House, and not just 'cause watching someone fry an egg while they're smoking reminds me of my dad. The people in there, it's like a white trash convention, or for me, a family reunion. It's so white trash in there, it makes the IHOP appear international.
- Jim Gaffigan: Have you seen the bologna that has the olives in it? Who's that for? "I like my bologna like a martini: with an olive." "I'll have the bologna sandwich - dirty."
- Jim Gaffigan: I'm surprised we can still get people to camp. "Hey, want to burn a couple of vacation days sleeping on the ground outside?" "Uh, no." "What if I told you get to crap standing up in the woods?" "I still wouldn't want to go." "You wake up freezing, covered in a rash." "All right, I'll go."
- Jim Gaffigan: If you've never been to a Waffle House, just imagine a gas station bathroom that sells waffles.
- Jim Gaffigan: [about Dunkin' Donuts] It's an interesting concept, really. It's almost as if AA opened their own restaurant. "What should we have?" "Coffee, doughnuts, maybe a little honesty." Hi, my name's Jim. I haven't had a doughnut in thirty seconds.
- Jim Gaffigan: You'd think lazy people like me would be weeded out by natural selection. I can't imagine someone like me in pioneer times. "I gotta harvest those crops or my eight kids aren't going to make it through winter. I'll have other kids. I gotta get back to staring at the barn. Maybe I'll read the Bible for the tenth time."
- Jim Gaffigan: [about getting a gutter ball in bowling] There's few moments in life as humiliating as that gutter ball. The worst part is then you have to make that turn back to your friends.
- Jim Gaffigan: Now, at some locations, they have Dunkin' Donuts and Baskin-Robbins in the same building. It's like a marriage made in obesity. Finally, Dunkin' Donuts is offering something for dessert: doughnuts and ice cream. It's like two pairs of dirty underwear.
- Jim Gaffigan: You want to know how good bacon is? To improve food, they wrap it in bacon! If it weren't for bacon, we wouldn't know what a water chestnut is. "Thank you, bacon. Sincerely, Water Chestnut, III."
- Jim Gaffigan: Am I the only one that doesn't feel comfortable with the fact stuffing is cooked *inside a dead animal*?