- Carlos: [putting ice on Michael's knee and trying to make up with him] You have to take care of this knee, gordito. How's that feel?
- Michael: Much better now.
- Carlos: I love you Michael.
- Michael: I love you too, osito.
- Carlos: And I wanna be with you at the hospital when you go.
- Michael: Really?
- Carlos: I would be lucky to be by your side.
- Michael: Thank you. That won't be necessary.
- Carlos: Why, gordito? Please.
- Michael: Carlos, I'm not going to have the surgery.
- Carlos: Really?
- Michael: Really.
- Carlos: [relieved] Oh my god! When did you decide this?
- Michael: [breaking down into happy tears] When you put the ice on my knee.
- Simon: [Tyler walked in on Simon dancing to Dance Dance Revolution] Shit Tyler, you scared the hell out of me. Haven't you ever heard of knocking?
- Tyler: [laughing] Oh God, you are officially whatever the PC term is for retarded.
- Simon: Hand me those shorts
- [Tyler tosses them to him]
- Simon: Hey, it's my cardio, okay? Gym memberships cost a fortune in this city.
- Michael: Carlos, I think I'm gonna have the surgery.
- Carlos: [not impressed] So you're getting your stomach stapled?
- Michael: They don't staple the stomach anymore. They use a rubber band, a lapband they call it. I know you wouldn't understand.
- Carlos: Of course I don't understand. That kind of procedure is for people with health problems. Health problems, Michael, not self worth problems!
- Michael: Carlos, I need a job!
- Carlos: Oh, and you think being thin is going to magically make you employable?
- Michael: [almost in tears] I think you need to stay at your apartment tonight!
- Michael: How long have we been friends?
- Roger: That would be since the Mesozoic era.
- Michael: Uh uh. When Pangea broke apart, and I've never seen you act like this. I think you have feelings for someone, but it ain't the Spaniard.
- Roger: Michael, please don't psychoanalyze me.
- Michael: Hey, I am your oldest friend. If I don't psychoanalyze you, who's gonna do it?
- Bar patron: [hitting on Michael in front of Carlos] Hey baby.
- Carlos: Hey don't squeeze the Charmin, papa, ok?
- Fred: [after he let an attraction to Tyler slip] I'm sorry, Brent. It just happened.
- Brent: I know. I saw it, do you think I'm stupid?
- Fred: No, I don't. I was stoned.
- Brent: Oh, what's fucking new?
- Fred: Why didn't you say something?
- Brent: What am I supposed to say, Fred? 'Tyler, can you please get your taint out of my husband's face?
- Fred: Fuck, I can't believe I did that.
- Brent: I can't believe you did it after we just talked about how you're okay with not doing it.
- Fred: That was the truth. I wasn't looking to open the relationship.
- Brent: Then what were you looking for in the crack of his ass?
- Polar Bear: Can I get some service over here?
- Brent: Shut up, ya polar Bear!
- [to Tyler]
- Brent: I better go tend to her before she goes extinct.
- Bear Cafe patron: Hey, is anybody working here?
- Brent: Shut the fuck up, Mary, don't get your panties in a bunch!
- Brent: [during a discussion about opening up their relationship] My mother says if you say something once, that you probably thought it twice.
- Fred: Which is complete bullshit.
- Brent: You calling my mother a liar?
- Fred: I have a few choice adjectives if you're asking. Sweetheart, you know I love your mother. Could we leave her out of this conversation, please?
- Tyler: Seriously, Brent, thank you, very much. It's really appreciated, I need this job.
- Brent: Oh, well, the job sucks. Don't worry about that. But the eye candy is compensation.
- Tyler: I'll say.
- [eyeing a redhaired leather bear]
- Tyler: Hard candy by the looks of this.
- Brent: No, no, that's Robbie. We call her Ruby because of the slippers that will fall out of her mouth when she speaks.
- Drag Queen: Hey Luvah!
- Robbie: [effeminately] Girl! Honey, you look fabulous! Do a little twirl, so I can take a look atcha!
- Tyler: Can I have a search party sent out for the hard on that I just lost?
- Simon: [Tyler and Simon hadn't seen each other for a bit] Notice anything different?
- Tyler: You're now part of the rhythm nation?
- Simon: Hello! I lost five whole pounds? Thought I'd have you drooling by now.
- Tyler: Actually, gaining ten would probably put you in the right direction.
- Simon: What, you mean you want me to have a roll?
- Tyler: Twenty pounds.
- Simon: A muffin top?
- Tyler: Thirty.
- Simon: Are you suggesting... I mean, a whole belly?
- Tyler: Yeah. Throw in some hair on that belly and I think we're talking perfection.
- Simon: What happened to you? Were you dropped on your head as a child?
- Tyler: God, Simon, please don't ever change. Scratch that. Mature, but please don't ever change.
- Ted: Looks to me if the kid makes this spare, he could take you. Ten bucks says the kid makes the impossible shot and kicks your ass!