- Barney Panofsky: ...and I'm just gonna keep talking here, 'cause I'm afraid that if I stop there's gonna be a pause or a break and you're gonna say 'It's getting late' or 'I should get going', and I'm not ready for that to happen. I don't want that to happen. Ever.
- [they pause]
- Miriam: There it was. The pause.
- Barney Panofsky: Yeah.
- Miriam: I'm still here.
- Miriam: We can be friends now, can't we?
- Barney Panofsky: No. We can't.
- Miriam: I'm here for you if you'll let me. We had a beautiful marriage, but it's over. I want you to be at peace with that.
- Barney Panofsky: Have I ever given up when it comes to you?
- Miriam: Never.
- Barney Panofsky: So what makes you think I would start now?
- Miriam: We were just gonna throw some burgers on the barbecue. Do you want to join us?
- Blair: I'm a vegan. But thank you.
- Barney Panofsky: A what? Is that treatable?
- Clara 'Chambers' Charnofsky: Oh Barney, you really do wear your heart on your sleeve. Now put it away, it's disgusting to look at.
- Barney Panofsky: Should I sleep on the sofa?
- Miriam: Stop feeling sorry for yourself. You're not sleeping on the sofa, we don't sleep apart. Good night.
- Miriam: Really? Well, words matter. Actions matter. They have consequences. If you want people to take you seriously, then act accordingly. Do you understand me, Barney?
- Barney Panofsky: Yes
- Miriam: What am I saying?
- Barney Panofsky: Be great in act, as you have in thought
- Barney Panofsky: Don't ever tell my father what he can or cannot do again.
- 2nd Mrs. P's Father: He traumatized the Rabbi's wife...
- Barney Panofsky: I don't care if he fingered her under the table. He's my father and he'll have your respect.
- [first lines]
- Blair: Hello?
- Barney Panofsky: Blair, I'd like to speak with my wife.
- Blair: Oh, Barney, it's 3:00 in the morning.
- Barney Panofsky: Put my wife on the phone.
- Blair: She's not your wife and I'm not waking her.
- Barney Panofsky: All right. Well, then just ask her what she wants me to do with all these nude photos I have of her. Ah, come to think of it, you actually might want them, if only to see what Miriam looked like in her prime.
- Blair: [hangs up]
- 2nd Mrs. P's Father: Are you saying you were gratuitously violent with suspected felons?
- Izzy: Gratuitously? I always got paid, I ain't gonna work for free.
- Barney Panofsky: The Big Apple is actually a racing term. Credited to John Fitzgerald, sportswriter for The Herald in the 30s. But he had heard it from a stable hand in Mississippi, using the term to refer to, ah, the New York race tracks because getting t orace in New York was hitting the big time. Taking a bite of that Big Apple.
- Izzy: You're married to a well-bred woman who is loaded, who makes a nice, flaky kugel, has a beautiful rack... and many successful marriages have been built on far less.
- Dr. Morty: What kind of car do you drive?
- Barney Panofsky: Morty, that's fucking embarrassing.
- Dr. Morty: Just answer it.
- Barney Panofsky: A... you know, goddamn it... it's German... I can't even find the fucking thing. Why should I care what it's called?
- Clara 'Chambers' Charnofsky: Yosol and Hiam. They're locked in our attic. When you go out for hockey scores, I let them down and force feed them pork roast milk shakes through a funnel.
- 2nd Mrs. P's Father: Did you ever consider that your career advancement was stunted by your professional conduct and not by imagined prejudices?
- Barney Panofsky: Y'know, I can't even find the fucking thing, what the hell do I care what it's called?
- Detective O'Hearne: Two bullets, fired from your gun. Right after you caught your best friend banging your wife. You threatened to kill 'em both, now he's missing. Unless you ate him, we'll find the body before sunrise. So you tell me where the body is, I'll say you were cooperative and remorseful. You get yourself a smart jew lawyer, you'll be out in no time.