Ewan McGregor credited as playing...
Dr. Alfred Jones
- Dr. Alfred Jones: I don't know anyone that goes to church anymore.
- Harriet: I don't think I do.
- Dr. Alfred Jones: On Sundays we go to Tesco's.
- Dr. Alfred Jones: There was a moment when I had everything, but... Well, now I don't know what to do.
- Sheikh Muhammed: When the time comes, you will know.
- Harriet: Are you sure you won't have one
- [a glass of wine]
- Harriet: ?
- Dr. Alfred Jones: At lunchtime?
- Harriet: Dr. Jones, I haven't spoken a word of Mandarin in about four years so I am celebrating even if you're not.
- Dr. Alfred Jones: I only drink alcohol on the weekend, and even then only after seven.
- Harriet: No exceptions.
- Dr. Alfred Jones: None that I can think of. Well yeah, I got married on a Friday but I think it was a, a, as I recall a bank holiday in Northern Ireland so I allowed myself, I think, a glass on a technicality.
- Harriet: [She just stares at him]
- Dr. Alfred Jones: That was an attempt at a joke miss Chetwode-Talbot.
- Harriet: Oh! Heh-heh-heh. Right! Good one!
- [Harriet explains to Dr. Jones that salmon fishing in the Yemen is possible and wins the debate]
- Dr. Alfred Jones: Water.
- Harriet: For the fish?
- Dr. Alfred Jones: No, for me.
- Harriet: Of course.
- Sheikh Muhammed: You think I'm mad?
- Dr. Alfred Jones: No, your excellency. I...
- Sheikh Muhammed: Of course you do. I would question your judgment if you did not.
- Dr. Alfred Jones: You are most definitely... most definitely one of the most rightest people that I've had the good fortune to come across, if you'll forgive the grammatical inadequacies of that sentence.
- Sheikh Muhammed: We must have faith, Dr. Alfred.
- Dr. Alfred Jones: Well, that's a very laudable sentiment, your excellency, but we're running out of time. Can't catch faith with a fishing rod.
- Harriet: I'm so sorry, Fred.
- Dr. Alfred Jones: It was an extraordinary idea. It almost worked too.
- Harriet: I wasn't talking about the project.
- Dr. Alfred Jones: No. I'm not sure that I was.
- Harriet: I'm so sorry about what I said before. That is just unforgivable.
- Dr. Alfred Jones: The great thing about people with Asperger's is it's very difficult to hurt their feelings. So it's all right, you can say whatever you like.
- Harriet: Look, I'm not... I'm not coming into work, all right, because I need to stay here. I need to be here in case there's news. So, actually, anyone with a shred of understanding, or humanity, or simple feeling, who, frankly, wasn't suffering from some kind of Asperger's, would know that the last thing that I need is your bullying little phone call asking me to come into work so that you can update me on fish. You want to fill me in on fishing. Well, Dr. Jones, you can take your work and you can shove it up your unfeeling arse.
- Dr. Alfred Jones: I didn't come here to talk to you about work.
- Harriet: Then why are you here?
- Dr. Alfred Jones: I made you a sandwich.
- Harriet: So it's theoretically possible.
- Dr. Alfred Jones: Well, it's theoretically possible in the same way that a manned mission to Mars is theoretically possible.
- Dr. Alfred Jones: Did you get my email?
- Bernard Sugden: Yes. What did it say?
- Dr. Alfred Jones: Took the meeting. Waste of time as predicted. Now if you don't mind I'll get back to my work.
- Bernard Sugden: Dr. Jones.
- [holds up a document which Dr. Jones takes]
- Dr. Alfred Jones: What is this?
- Bernard Sugden: P45.
- Dr. Alfred Jones: I'm sorry. I don't, I don't understand.
- Bernard Sugden: Oh, well, a P45 is the official document given to an employee when his services are no longer required by his or her employer.
- Dr. Alfred Jones: Yes, but Bernard, this has got my...
- Bernard Sugden: Or, you can sign this letter stating that you are delighted to assign yourself exclusively to the Yemeni salmon fishing project with immediate effect. Up to you.
- Dr. Alfred Jones: But Bernard, you know as well as I do this thing is a bloody joke. Where the hell you gonna get salmon that far...
- Bernard Sugden: [interrupts and taps the P45] Just there.
- Dr. Alfred Jones: This is blackmail Sugden. This is a bloody outrage.
- Bernard Sugden: Fitzharris & Price will be paying your salary while on secondment. Almost double what it is now. I'd say that's a bloody outrage.
- Dr. Alfred Jones: Double. Can I have time to think about this?
- Bernard Sugden: Nope.
- Dr. Alfred Jones: Can I borrow your pen?
- Bernard Sugden: Yah. It's my special one with the italic nib.
- [Dr. Jones grabs it, scribbles his signature on the P45 and storms out]
- Dr. Alfred Jones: We don't need native river fish. We'll be all right with farmed salmon.
- Harriet: Oh.
- Dr. Alfred Jones: I know, I, I don't much like them but, well they will run. I know it. Ah! Yes, Your Excellency. Er, despite our moral and philosophical objections, farmed salmon will run. I'm absolutely sure of it.
- Sheikh Muhammed: You are tireless, Doctor. You have uncovered some new research? A new paper perhaps?
- Dr. Alfred Jones: No, I just know it.
- Sheikh Muhammed: You just know it. I see. Faith, Dr. Alfred?
- Dr. Alfred Jones: Damn it, yes. All right then, faith.