- Devlin Adams: So, where's Danny?
- Katherine: [pause] Devlin, Danny is at his wedding.
- Devlin Adams: Come again?
- Katherine: I was never married to him. All a big lie I made up.
- Devlin Adams: Why?
- Katherine: Because I couldn't stand the thought of you knowing the truth.
- Devlin Adams: Really?
- Katherine: So, yeah. I'm a single mother. I have two kids I love more than anything in the world. I drive a Honda, I still have dial-up internet. I got a 2.7 GPA in college, not a 3.4. And while I'm at it telling the truth, I name my kids' poop after you. And I work for Danny. I'm his assistant. That's it.
- Devlin Adams: Really? I would never have guessed this. I mean, you two had a real connection.
- Katherine: He's great, he's the greatest guy, and I might even be in love with him, but it really doesn't matter at this moment because he is getting married to another person, right now.
- Devlin Adams: [pause] Ian and I are breaking up.
- Katherine: What? What happened?
- Devlin Adams: Well for starters, he's gay. I mean look at him
- Ian Maxtone Jones: [with a group of sailors] That's a strong muscle, right there. I'm squeezin'.
- Katherine: Devlin, I gotta tell you, last night, with the ass grab of the coconut, little bit of a red flag.
- Devlin Adams: I've seen him do that with the soap.
- Katherine: Oh! What about the iPod?
- Devlin Adams: He didn't invent shit. He made his money suing the Dodgers after he got hit by a foul ball.
- Katherine: [laughs] Oh God! So what?
- Devlin Adams: Well, this is different?
- Katherine: Yeah, I mean, why didn't we try this truth telling thing before?
- Devlin Adams: I don't know.
- [They hug. Devlin sees Danny behind Katherine]
- Danny: Aww, that's nice. It's nice to tell the truth. The truth is fun, isn't it? Like were you telling the truth when you said you might be in love with me?
- Devlin Adams: I'm gonna leave you two. Gotta go get a divorce.
- Katherine: [about Ian] Devlin, I gotta tell you, last night, with the ass grab of the coconut, a little bit of the red flag.
- Devlin Adams: I've seen him do that with the soap.
- Danny Maccabee: Ooh, the Mafia stare down. Very good, Michael. We're here to negotiate. Do you have anything else you might like?
- Michael: I want a flying pony.
- Danny Maccabee: I want a flying pony, too, but they don't exist.
- Michael: Then I want a regular pony. And I want to name him Nelson.
- Danny Maccabee: How about a PlayStation 3 and we name him Nelson?
- Michael: Keep talking.
- Danny Maccabee: We'll include 4 video games.
- Michael: Five games. I want the meeting with Blondie to be at J.D. McFunnigan's?
- Danny Maccabee: How about Charlie Choo-Choos because it's right down the street from me?
- Michael: You mention that slop-hole again, and I walk.
- Danny Maccabee: I need you to swim to Uncle Eddie. If you get to him without touching the bottom, we'll give you a dolphin cookie.
- Maggie: Is that what your grandpa gave you?
- Danny Maccabee: No, grandpa gave us something he'd call a Heineken.
- Michael: I want one of those.
- Danny Maccabee: No. Stick with the dolphin cookie.
- Eddie: Yeah, they hurt less when they get thrown at your head. God, he was a sick man.
- Danny Maccabee: Did you make this yourself?
- Mrs. Harrington: Yes, I did.
- Danny Maccabee: We're going to have to donate this to the Smithsonian, good job.
- Palmer: You have kids?
- Katherine: Huh? Hmmm?
- Palmer: You have children?
- Danny Maccabee: We have, sort of, a little bit of children right?
- Maggie: Can I do an accent?
- Danny Maccabee: Give me your best shot.
- Maggie: [British accent] Hello.
- Danny Maccabee: No.
- Palmer: What's her name?
- Danny Maccabee: Mrs. Maccabee. You mean her first name? Her first name is Devlin.
- Palmer: Her first name is Devlin?
- Danny Maccabee: Yeah, I know. Isn't that a shitty name?
- [Palmer and Katherine are smiling at Danny after he has taught Michael how to swim. Devlin shows up out of nowhere]
- Devlin Adams: What are we all staring at?
- Katherine: [Opening up a package of oddly constructed breast implants in the clinic] What are these?
- Delivery Guy: "Boobie bags." The women, they stick them in the flat chesties, and... make them big.
- Katherine: [Holding up one of the bags] These are not the "boobie bags" that I ordered. What is that? It's like a... like a syrup dispenser at an IHOP. I don't know what that is.
- Maggie: [British accent] Hello, Dr. Danny. How are you today?
- Danny Maccabee: What's with the accent?
- Katherine: She's been working on some accents.
- Maggie: I'll be taking acting classes and become the next Miley Cyrus. Yes, I am.
- Danny Maccabee: How about you there, do you like Hannah Montana?
- Michael: No, I'm more into Californication.
- Katherine: When do you ever watch Californication?
- Maggie: Rose lets us watch Showtime when she calls her boyfriend.
- Ian Maxtone Jones: I love the way you smell. Nothing smells as good as Devlin.
- Danny Maccabee: Smelling Devlin, always a good thing.
- Palmer: I can't wait to Twitter this to all my friends.
- Katherine: Oh, I forgot, you're 15.
- [Danny accidentally kicks Palmer with the intention of kicking Katherine]
- Palmer: Ouch! Did you just kick me?
- Danny Maccabee: No I did not. Did you just kick her? Why did you kick her?
- Hot Bar Girl: Where's your wife tonight?
- Danny Maccabee: [lying] I stopped asking that question a long time ago.
- [Ian picks up a coconut with his butt]
- Danny Maccabee: That's not fair. He can't do that.
- Tanner Patrick: No, that's a clean pick-up right there.
- Danny Maccabee: You dropped your purse.
- Joanna Damon: Can I sit for ten seconds without getting hit on? Thank you.
- Danny Maccabee: I was just letting you know you dropped your purse.
- Fat Kid: Mommy! That man put his pee-pee on my face!
- Danny Maccabee: What? He put his face in my pee-pee!
- Danny Maccabee: Where does the name Devlin come from?
- Katherine: She was an old sorority sister from college. She was my friend, yet I hated her.
- Danny Maccabee: A frenemy.
- Katherine: Anyway, I got tired to them saying "I have to take a crap" and "I have to take a dump". So I told them it was called a Devlin. And they liked it. And it stuck.
- [first lines]
- Bridesmaid: So happy you picked this dress.
- Bridesmaid: So beautiful.
- Bridesmaid: Isn't she...