- Young Tony Parisi: Mommy, do you think they sing good?
- Mary: They sing well. Be more careful with your English.
- John: I don't get it. Here we have another state makin' it legal for gay couples to get married AND have kids.
- Mary: What's wrong with that?
- John: Tony, would you like to tell your mother what's wrong with that?
- Tony: Marriage is an institution between a man ad a woman. Besides, no kid should have to have two fathers.
- John: Dhat's right.
- Tony: One's bad enough.
- Tony: What happened? You break a nail?
- Steve: No, I got my finger caught. What are we, in kindergarten?
- Tony: Why? You wanna take a nap with me?
- Steve: You're the last person I would want to take nap with.
- Tony: Oh, come on, Steve. I saw you checkin' out my ass.
- Steve: The only reason I would check out YOUR ass is if I needed a place to show my home movies.
- Joe Bergers: This is my Secret Santa gift?
- Sarah: Yes.
- Joe Bergers: And did Tony pick it out?
- Sarah: Yes.
- Joe Bergers: So my guess is: lesbian porn DVD?
- Steve: Doc, the problem's not me getting it up, it's who I'm getting it up FOR.
- Doctor Feist: What're you talking about?
- Steve: I'm GAY but I'm only attracted to women.