- Becca Crane: So, are we going to be, uh, at the same school?
- Jacob: I go to school at the reservation.
- Becca Crane: Oh, it must be fun to gamble and drink all day.
- Frank Crane: [to Becca] I guess it's hard for me to accept that my little girl's growing up. I mean look at the size of those tits.
- Chinese Food Delivery Guy: Someone order Chinese food?
- Edward Sullen: [Throws him at his family as they proceed to eat him; to Becca] Let's go! They'll be hungry again in half an hour!
- Becca Crane: [from trailer] Jacob, run!
- [Jacob jumps above Becca and lands in his chihuahua form]
- Becca Crane: [disbelievingly] A chihuahua?
- [Becca accidentally maces Buffy the Vampire Slayer]
- Buffy the Vampire Slayer: I was trying to help you, bitch!
- Becca Crane: I used to live with my mom. Now she's always on the road because she started doing some pro golfer.
- [Pulls out a magazine with Tiger Woods on the front]
- Edward Sullen: [as his family is trying to kill Becca] Every time I bring a girl over, you try to eat her! It's not fair!
- Edward Sullen: Hearing you breathe is the greatest gift I've ever received.
- [Becca farts in Edward's face]
- [Narrating]
- [Becca and her dad are driving into Sporks and drive past a Welcome sign to the town]
- Becca Crane: So, I came here to the town of Sporks, Washington. Population: 3120.
- [a screaming woman comes running in front of the sign being chased by a vampire; the vampire grabs and bites her neck spraying blood everywhere]
- Becca Crane: Holy shit! Uh, make that 3119!
- Becca Crane: [from trailer] Edward!
- Team Edward: Edward? Where?
- [sees Edward glittering in the sun]
- Team Edward: Edward, we love you. You're the best.
- Team Jacob: No, Jacob's the best!
- [smacks Team Edward's face with a shovel]
- Becca Crane: Stop it!
- Daro: [mocking Becca] Stop it.
- Becca Crane: You're killing him!
- Daro: [mocking Becca] You're killing him.
- Becca Crane: [quietly] And we haven't even had sex yet.
- Daro: [mocking Becca] And we haven't even had--Really?
- Becca Crane: [playing guitar and singing] Hey, Eddie, well, I know it might seem petty, but I can't stop obsessing over you.
- Edward Sullen: Put down that guitar and stop singing like Taylor Swift.