- Principal Verge: I know it looks like such a lighthearted, feel-good comedy, being an expecting teenage mom, but let me tell you something - I've been principal at this school for five years. Let me tell both of you something - pregnant teenagers are never funny, ever.
- Round Teen Girl: I'm not pregnant.
- Principal Verge: Cut the carbs.
- Clapton Davis: Look, this summer everyone here in Grizzly Lake's gonna go off to college to incubate their pointless degrees, knock or get knocked up at a dorm room kegger, and come back here in a few years to populate one of these ugly tract homes with tiny little versions of themselves. These are our final days.
- Riley Jones: Every morning I try to remember I'm only the second biggest loser to walk Grizzly Lake High. First place goes to the drunk slut who screwed the dead mascot in 1992, but the 90's are history. So am I.
- [Clapton walks in on Billy gyrating behind Riley]
- Clapton Davis: Is this when I'm supposed to say "How could you?"
- Riley Jones: And what I'm supposed to say, "It's not what it looks like?"
- Billy Nolan: What, are you two fucking?
- Ione: And you lied to me! It is not normal for people's semen to glow in the dark.
- Clapton Davis: Billy, she never saw my semen. I swear to God.
- Mr. Cooper: When you take off that bear costume, you should walk like yo body is still covered in fur.
- Principal Verge: The video of your... mammary gland?... was viewed twenty thousand times on the Internet.
- Riley Jones: YouTube?
- Mr. Cooper: National Zoology.
- Riley Jones: Can I throw up?
- Clapton Davis: Sander, Ione's an old soul trapped in a very painfully hot cheerleader body. Plus, she knows the lyrics to Sting's "Fields of Gold." Every little thing she does is magic. Believe it.
- Madison: [in "Slashing Beauty 4"] Greg, you asshole! Now we really do have to use this time to think about our futures.
- Blonde Student: Why doom a win like Clapton Davis to a life of missionary sex?
- Clapton Davis: Ione, did you tell Billy about us?
- Ione: Clapton, the small guy always beats the invincible killing machine. You're my Pat Morita!
- Clapton Davis: Isn't he dead?
- Gord: We have rules of conduct. Your ticket is a contract.
- Male Theater Patron: [from back row of the theater] Shut up, lumberjack!
- Riley Jones: Rebuttal: What is the contract?
- Gord: Rebuttal: There's to be no illegal photography inside of Galaxy Cinemas.
- Riley Jones: Rejoinder: That is NOT the way a capitalist society functions.
- Gord: When you take illegal photography inside of cinemas, you take money away from carpenters who are just trying to feed and clothe their families. Any closing statement?
- Riley Jones: Um...
- Gord: Silence is compliance.
- Mr. Cooper: Problem with kids today - dhey don't know how to channel aggression. Football! Dhat's da way, otherwise they dreamin' of girls and... end up in prison on... rape charges.
- Clapton Davis: Did you know that more Grizzly Lake kids have been conceived to Oasis than any other Beatles cover band? "Definitely Maybe" is, like, the British working-class Rohypnol.
- Gord: Yes, I'd like to start off by saying that this girl's argument is ridiculous! Vegetarians who eat fish are hypocrites! She thinks because fish may feel no pain they don't value their lives. Absurd! And notice how she expresses almost no sympathy for chickens. That's because Americans hate chickens. For example, KFC serves popcorn chicken to assure the customers that the chicken was blown to bits, yet the meatball sub at Subway isn't called "popcorn cow." Americans want chickens to die! Lame! Personally, I do feel sympathy for animals, which is why I choose to only eat baby animals. They have not lived as long, and they are not leaving as much behind. Baby clams, chicken wings, baby seals - no... big... loss! If we don't eat meat, we lose out place in the food chain. Eating animals gives us confidence as humans.
- Ione: That's hilarious. What is it?
- Clapton Davis: I don't know. It looks like a bong.
- Mr. Kendall: Well, Clapton... I'm wet.
- Principal Verge: I get it - listening to your loud music, tripping out to Fraggle Rock - but the question is: What does the future hold for Clapton Davis?
- Clapton Davis: Well, I am starting my own music site.
- Principal Verge: Mmm.
- Clapton Davis: It's going to list new releases and review albums from bands that nobody's heard of except for me, and if they have, I'll just dismiss them with scathing comparisons to avant-garde folk rockers.
- Principal Verge: Mmm.
- Clapton Davis: Everything is grade' on a ultra precise one hundred point scale, and no place for feedback.
- Principal Verge: Excellent.
- Clapton Davis: If readers want to bitch-about, they'll have to go on their twitters. Good taste is not a democracy.
- Principal Verge: And this pays, what, 13.5 a year?
- Clapton Davis: Free... Costello tickets.
- [first lines]
- Taylor Fisher: I'm Taylor Fisher and I'm a bitch - beauty, intelligence, talent, charisma, hoobastank.
- Riley Jones: S'not my fault majoring in Inuit Literature and Hipster Rock doesn't replenish your trust fund.
- Mr. Kendall: Hey, Riley, I don't wanna hear about your testicles. The assignment is simple. You're a smart girl.
- Principal Verge: Do you think that I am teaching students out of love? I'm not. It's your senior year and your GPA is... It's a disgrace, but I'd rather not see you back here next fall. Give me an excuse to graduate you. IMPRESS me. Get a A. Save a small country. Something, anything, otherwise get expelled... with the lowest grades in Grizzly Lake history.
- Clapton Davis: Does Home Ec count?
- Principal Verge: Get your shit together, son!
- Sander Sanderson: You know, we don't talk much, but... but I like to believe we've been sort of... friends... for a while.