- Jay Cartwright: Don't you know about foreign police? They take you up a hill, beat you up and then they bum you!
- Neil Sutherland: Yeah. and if they don't kill you, you kill yourself because of the shame of you getting a boner whilst you was being bummed!
- Mr. Gilbert: This isn't The Dead Poets Society and I am not that bloke on bbc2 keeps getting kids to sing in choirs. I especially don't want to hear how well you are settling down at uni or how much growing up you have done in the past 12 months. At best I am ambivalent towards most of you, but some of you I actively dislike, for no other reason than your poor personal hygiene or your irritating personalities. I hope I have made myself clear on this point and in case any of you think I am joking, I am not. I assure you, once my legal obligation to look after you best interests is removed, I can be one truly nasty fucker. Good luck with the rest of your lives and try not to kill anyone, it reflects very badly on all of us here.
- Will McKenzie: So smelling like an industrial accident in a Lynx factory and looking like the world's shittest boyband, we hit the town.
- Simon Cooper: She's also really funny.
- Lucy: In what way?
- Simon Cooper: Well, you know when something's funny, and people get it?
- Lucy: Yes...
- Simon Cooper: So in that way. And also in a comedy way.
- [from trailer]
- Will McKenzie: First stop the Minoan palace in Knossos.
- Jay Cartwright: We haven't come half way round the world to look at some fucking Greek ruins.
- Neil Sutherland: Yeah you can see that shit anywhere.
- Middle-Aged Woman: [a woman who is at least in her fifties leaves the group's hotel after sleeping with Neil]
- Middle-Aged Woman: Don't worry lads, kitty won't bite. Not now she's been fed.
- Will McKenzie: [Narrating] Jay and Neil never told us how close they came to Fernando's cock. But they did say they could smell it. And they were still having more fun than us.
- Will McKenzie: That's it! Neil, you're right. It may not be paradise, but it's time we started enjoying this place for what it is.
- Simon Cooper: A shithole?
- Will McKenzie: Yes, but it's our shithole! So I say, we get out there, and get royally fucked up on Jay's dead grandad's money!
- Jay Cartwright: Heads down boys.
- Neil Sutherland: Shit.
- Will McKenzie: What, why we haven't done anything?
- Jay Cartwright: Foreign police innit.
- Neil Sutherland: Don't you know about foreign police?
- Will McKenzie: Short sleeved uniforms chunkier truncheons.
- Neil Sutherland: Fucking hell!
- Jay Cartwright: Mate they're all corrupt basically if you misbehave and don't have the money to bribe them. They take you up to these shepherds huts in the hills beat you up and bum ya.
- Neil Sutherland: And if they don't kill ya you kill yourself cause the shame of getting a boner whilst you were being bummed.
- Will McKenzie: Right couple of things, firstly the hills here are full of time shares not deserted shepherds huts. Secondly, Crete's in the EU so I think the standard of policing probably goes beyond buming and forced suicide.
- Jay Cartwright: Believe what you want I'm keeping a bribe up my arse just in case.
- Will McKenzie: You're gonna spend the whole holiday with 20 Euros rolled up inside you're arsehole?
- Jay Cartwright: It's been up there since the seatbelt signs went off mate.
- [from trailer]
- Carli D'Amato: Simon we need to talk.
- Simon Cooper: Oh no not talking.
- Carli D'Amato: I think we should break up.
- Check In Woman: I am sick of every dickhead thinking he has touching rights just cause I smiled at him, It's my fucking job you cretin!
- Jay Cartwright: Are you on the blob?
- Jay Cartwright: Your life's just about to begin, mate. Now that you're single we can all go on a mental holiday together! Two weeks of sun, sea, sex, sand, booze, sex, minge, fanny, and tits, and booze, and sex!