If I Had Legs I'd Kick You is one of those 2025 psychological suspense films that tries so hard to be profound that it ends up dull instead of daring. It's not a terrible movie - the filmmaking is competent, the performances are solid - but it's the kind of project that mistakes ambiguity for depth and leaves audiences more detached than intrigued.
The story centers entirely on one woman's perspective, and while following her journey should have created intimacy and intensity, it instead becomes monotonous. We rarely see anyone else, which strips the story of dimension and tension. It's a one-character show that forgets how important interaction and pacing are in sustaining suspense. The idea that her mental health might be unraveling is an interesting setup, but the film never commits to whether she's truly unstable or simply misunderstood - it dances around the theme without ever landing a real emotional punch.
Where the movie really loses itself is in its attempt to be "artistic." The endless dreamlike sequences, floating orbs, fragmented flashbacks, and surreal imagery feel more like distractions than layers of meaning. These stylistic flourishes could've been powerful if they connected thematically, but instead they come off as arbitrary. It's as if the director wanted to prove this was a thinking person's thriller without providing anything to actually think about.
The script doesn't do the story any favors either. The dialogue feels sparse and disconnected, and the pacing drags under the weight of its own self-importance. The film wants to make a statement about perception and reality, but it never gives the viewer enough clarity or tension to invest in that concept. What should've been a gripping character study ends up as an exercise in endurance.
Rose Byrne gives a strong performance - grounded, layered, and quietly expressive. She's the reason this movie stays even remotely watchable. Christian Slater, meanwhile, does what he can with a strangely underwritten role that barely fits into the story. Everyone else fades into the background, as if they're just there to fill empty space rather than contribute to the narrative. It's one of those films where the casting feels off - like the puzzle pieces were close to fitting, but not quite right.
By the end, If I Had Legs I'd Kick You leaves you with more questions than satisfaction, and not in the good, thought-provoking way. It's a creative effort with good intentions, but it collapses under the weight of its own ambition. The concept could've been great, the execution is decent, but the experience is ultimately bland. It's fine for a one-time watch, but there's nothing here worth revisiting.
