If I Had Legs I'd Kick You

If I Had Legs I'd Kick You is one of those 2025 psychological suspense films that tries so hard to be profound that it ends up dull instead of daring. It's not a terrible movie - the filmmaking is competent, the performances are solid - but it's the kind of project that mistakes ambiguity for depth and leaves audiences more detached than intrigued.

The story centers entirely on one woman's perspective, and while following her journey should have created intimacy and intensity, it instead becomes monotonous. We rarely see anyone else, which strips the story of dimension and tension. It's a one-character show that forgets how important interaction and pacing are in sustaining suspense. The idea that her mental health might be unraveling is an interesting setup, but the film never commits to whether she's truly unstable or simply misunderstood - it dances around the theme without ever landing a real emotional punch.

Where the movie really loses itself is in its attempt to be "artistic." The endless dreamlike sequences, floating orbs, fragmented flashbacks, and surreal imagery feel more like distractions than layers of meaning. These stylistic flourishes could've been powerful if they connected thematically, but instead they come off as arbitrary. It's as if the director wanted to prove this was a thinking person's thriller without providing anything to actually think about.

The script doesn't do the story any favors either. The dialogue feels sparse and disconnected, and the pacing drags under the weight of its own self-importance. The film wants to make a statement about perception and reality, but it never gives the viewer enough clarity or tension to invest in that concept. What should've been a gripping character study ends up as an exercise in endurance.

Rose Byrne gives a strong performance - grounded, layered, and quietly expressive. She's the reason this movie stays even remotely watchable. Christian Slater, meanwhile, does what he can with a strangely underwritten role that barely fits into the story. Everyone else fades into the background, as if they're just there to fill empty space rather than contribute to the narrative. It's one of those films where the casting feels off - like the puzzle pieces were close to fitting, but not quite right.

By the end, If I Had Legs I'd Kick You leaves you with more questions than satisfaction, and not in the good, thought-provoking way. It's a creative effort with good intentions, but it collapses under the weight of its own ambition. The concept could've been great, the execution is decent, but the experience is ultimately bland. It's fine for a one-time watch, but there's nothing here worth revisiting.

Make no mistake, Rose Byrne puts on a show. Other than that, spend 2 hours elsewhere. The themes of motherhood and anxiety on full display, without lacking any substantial plot or moments of comedic relief certainly not a dark comedy by any stretch of the imagination Completely and utterly fell short.

I saw this film at the Berlin Film Festival where it enjoyed a moderately enthusiastic reception by the audience on premiere night. "If I Had Legs..." depicts a challenging time in the life of a female therapist who struggles with a sick child, the child's teacher, her flat, a female patient, the absence of her spouse - who is in the Navy and on a long term assignment - as well as her own therapist (played almost completely emotionless by Conan O'Brien), and her demons and neuroses. However, what could have been a fascinating study of motherhood and the demands faced by modern women is little more than a cheap-looking indie drama that I found very difficult to sit through. The reason for that is that instead of delivering a realistic depiction of issues, the film primarily focuses on thrills and shock effects. It's basically one disturbing scene after the other. And because even that didn't seem to be enough for the director, she added unbelievably intrusive sound design that tries to put the viewer into a permanent state of alarm. But even this concept could have worked it the story would have been sound. It isn't though - everything seems incredibly contrived and unrealistic and bears no relation to the real world or the problems of real people. And none of the characters seem even remotely credible either. Their behaviour is completely devoid of logic, realism and humanity. Which leaves the dialogue, which also seemed extremely artificial to me. It was wonderful to see Conan O'Brien on the big screen, but even he was unlikable. Overall, this movie may be trying to sell itself as an ambitious, intellectual arthouse flick. But in reality, it's just 113 minutes of emotional waterboarding that left me feeling quite annoyed when it ended.

Rose Byrne gives us an emotionally charged, no-holds barred performance as Linda in If I Had Legs I'd Kick You. It's obvious from the first scene that Linda is running on fumes - she's drained of energy and running in circles. She feels invisible. And then the roof falls in. Literally. A giant piece of her bedroom ceiling, along with a torrent of water, collapses into her home, leaving a gaping, bizarre, somewhat mystical hole above the bed, while also flooding the unit. So Linda and her daughter relocate to an unnamed beachside hotel in an anonymous city, to await reconstruction.

Linda is a professional therapist, in dire need of therapy for herself. She listens to others, yet no one in her life listens to her. "You're not listening to me" is Linda's oft-repeated statement. She's surrounded by people who ignore her. The therapist/associate she sees semi-professionally (Conan O'Brien) has so removed himself from caring about her feelings that he isn't given a name in the film. He shuts the door on her face. There are hints of a shared past, an unprofessional personal relationship. Now he is not even pretending to listen to her. He's frequently antagonistic and is extremely unlikeable.

Her daughter (Delaney Quinn), also nameless, but we'll call 'Child', lives with a chronic medical condition. Child has a feeding tube inserted in her stomach and sleeps hooked to an ever-beeping monitor. Child's face is never seen; we only get glimpses of her ear, toes, stomach and the back of her head. Yet she's heard constantly. Always anxious, whining about everything and never listening to what Linda tells her to do. The audience definitely wishes Linda would stop deferring to Child; it becomes exhausting and makes Linda look even more invisible. Linda is also consumed with guilt about Child's condition. "It's my fault" is Linda's self-diagnosis. Maybe it's because she was present when Child's tube was first inserted, and, as her mother, as well as the continual 'victim' of other people's misbehavior toward her, this is how Linda views herself. 'Everything is my fault. I am invisible'.

Mary Bronstein performs triple duty in If I Had Legs I'd Kick You. Not only is she Child's physician, Dr. Spring, she is also the film's writer/Director. Dr. Spring certainly doesn't listen to Linda, especially about the feeding tube. Linda wants to remove it to see if Child will eat on her own; Dr. Spring won't even discuss it, pushing Linda's anxiety into overdrive. "Maybe I doesn't know what's best for my own daughter." More self-doubt.

The disembodied yet umistakeable voice of Christian Slater is Linda's husband, Charles. He's MIA from the marriage, probably for a very long time. He's in the military, but doesn't seem to be enlisting in anything more pressing than choosing to avoid his family and berate Linda at every opportunity. He's literally phoning it in; Linda frequently hangs up on him and then apologizes. Self-loathing.

Linda has patients who enlist her services as a therapist. Occassionally they DO listen to her, but only to nurture their own delusional behaviors. One of them physically disappears during a session, abandoning her toddler with Linda. Even the woman at the hotel's mini mart ignores her when she goes in to purchase some wine. The only person who pays any sort of attention to her is James (A$AP Rocky), her hotel neighbor. He sees her, maybe the first person in a long time who does so. He listens to her. His performance provides some needed comic relief in the film, and gives Linda a semi-sane person to relate to.

If I Had Legs I'd Kick You is populated with many intentionally unlikeable characters. Bronstein explores how women can unintentionally become invisible even to themselves, losing who they are while trying to accommodate everyone else's demands. Yet she bookends her film with images of water drenching our soul-drowned protagonist, clearly symbolizing Linda's need for an emotional cleansing. The washing away of years of mental sludge buildup. There is also an unmistakeable analogy between the hole in the ceiling and Child's stoma; dealing with each further debilitates Linda to the point of inaction.

Though I enjoyed the film for the most part, I believe with one change, the film could have been truly remarkable. That change - eliminate the physical character of Child. You rarely see her, you only hear her. If you see the film, consider this option: Child no longer exists. She has already passed away. Yet the audience doesn't know that till the end. The character now lives solely in Linda's ragged mind. In that case, Byrne's performance, and the film, would have been mind-blowing. With so much of the film steeped in anonymity, with invisibility, it would have made the plot all the more unforgettable. A different take on "I see dead people", and we know how influential, movie-wise, that reveal was for Bruce Willis and Director M. Knight Shyamalan.

If I Had Legs I'd Kick You feels like it could be the breakaway hit of Sundance 2025. As with many of the films at the festival, I sat in on a press screening not knowing much about the movie beyond the brief blurb in the program. I chatted with the person seated next to me about the films we had seen and how we had both heard some good buzz about this film. The lights dimmed, and the first thing that appeared on the screen was the A24 logo. We immediately turned to each other, and expressed a mutual "Ahh!". Sure, they're behind a few clunkers, but in general, when I see that A24 is behind a project, I perk up. Their films are just plain different.

Writer and Director Mary Bronstein has presented a challenging portrayal of motherhood that is uncomfortable to watch. Shot almost entirely in close-ups, the atmosphere is claustrophobic, frenetic, and oppressive, with no lingering establishing shots to allow the viewer to orient themselves. We are forced into Linda's personal space, feeling almost like we're invading her privacy: the camera is focused on Linda in almost every shot. If I Had Legs I'd Kick You is about challenging the audience to confront truths about motherhood, guilt, and the emotional divide between cultural expectations and personal reality. Imagine Nightbitch, but without the quirkiness.

The plot centers around Linda (Rose Byrne), a psychotherapist trying to balance her job with her 10 year old, nameless daughter who suffers from some sort of unnamed illness that demands she receive constant care and attention. The daughter is faceless throughout the film and connected to a feeding tube, the umbilical cord that Linda desperately wants to sever. The focus here isn't on the illness itself, but on Linda's emotional and physical exhaustion, and her growing resentment. Similar to the disturbing We Need to Talk About Kevin (2011), the film explores the taboo subject of a mom who has never bonded with her child. Here, Linda is self-medicating with drugs and alcohol and making other questionable choices, all the while trying to counsel other people.

If I Had Legs I'd Kick You is a film of metaphors and layers of emotional nuance. Early in the movie, Linda experiences a flood in her apartment that leaves a huge hole in the ceiling, forcing her to move into a cheap motel nearby. Despite her efforts to coordinate repairs, the hole simply isn't getting fixed. A recurring theme is Linda needing help and not getting any, and this huge hole in her life is just getting bigger. She keeps returning to the apartment, only to discover that no work has been done on the hole.

The movie also explores the theme of being "seen". Linda's interactions with others, including her therapist (a chillingly detached Conan O'Brien), reflect her frustration with being unable to find the support she needs, despite her constant pleas for help. Her husband is a ship's captain, off at sea, and offers no support. He can't understand why Linda isn't getting the ceiling fixed. The most grounded character in the film is her motel neighbor James (A$AP Rocky) who literally calls her out for being a neglectful mom. I guess he's the only person who does actually "see" her in the way we, as an audience do. James's confrontations with Linda are in stark contrast to the others who largely ignore or misunderstand her struggles.

It's difficult to convey the chaotic energy in this movie and the sense of being out of control. What if you don't feel the love towards your own offspring the way you are expected to? If I Had Legs I'd Kick You is a film that tackles motherhood head on and offers no easy conclusions. It's an exhausting experience and I loved it. It's only January, but I'm sure this will be in my top ten list in December.