- Harland Williams: I like to drive, you never know what you're gonna find. It's exciting. I was driving over here, I get behind a minivan, sweetest little bumper sticker on the back of the minivan, it says "Honk if you love Jesus." Right?
- Conan O'Brien: Yeah?
- Harland Williams: So I pull up and I'm like:
- [imitates car horn]
- Harland Williams: Minivan does twelve flips into the ditch, blows up.
- Conan O'Brien: Oh my God!
- Harland Williams: Now the bad news is, the people died; the good news is, now they're with Jesus!
- Conan O'Brien: Okay... you're a bad guy. You're a murderer.
- Harland Williams: I'm bad to the bone, George Thorogood. Hello!
- Harland Williams: Check it out: This is happening to guys all over the country, right? You come home one day, you're all by yourself, right? Nobody's around, you pull the old laptop out, you take off all your clothes off, right? You start looking at the dirty movies. All of a sudden, someone walks in unexpectedly, you panic, you slam the laptop on your nutsack.
- [audience laughter]
- Conan O'Brien: [incredulously] What?
- Harland Williams: It's not a laptop anymore, suddenly it's a George Foreman grill!
- Harland Williams: [discussing his new book "The Things You Don't Know, You Don't Know"] Did you know that marshmallows are just ghost turds?
- [audience laughter]
- Harland Williams: It's just stuff I figured out. Did you know Yoda can never get married, because he talks backwards and every time he says his vows, he says "Hmm! Do I?"
- Conan O'Brien: [laughs] I had never thought of that.
- Harland Williams: Did you know that if a man's making love to his woman, and in the middle of the love-making, he throws a handful of tadpoles on the sheets, she will think he has giant sperm?