Steve Oram credited as playing...
Chris
- [Tina and Martin are at the table. Chris joins them]
- Chris: What?
- Tina: Martin just said some filthy things to me, Chris.
- Chris: Yeah? Well, do tell.
- Tina: He said I was a dirty, slutty bitch. And he wanted to f*ck me. And he said he wanted to sh*t in my mouth and in my underwear. And he said he wanted... he wanted to sh*t in my hand and make me use it as a brown lipstick.
- Chris: This is exactly how I imagined it. No one sticking their nose in. No one penetrating the mind. Take the noble English oak, Old Knobbley. That won't stab you in the back or belittle your five year plan. That tree won't... steal things that belong to you and put them in another place just to piss you off. That tree won't involve itself in low-level bullying that means you have to leave work.
- Chris: So what were you like when you were a little kid, then?
- Tina: Unhappy.
- Chris: You didn't like school? I know, nor me.
- Tina: What were you like at school, Chris?
- Chris: I wasn't like anything. I was, like, invisible.
- Tina: What about you being ginger?
- Chris: Well, that's a problem, yeah.
- Tina: That's not invisible, is it?
- Chris: No, but I wanted to be.
- Chris: [arriving at the caravan site] They've only got two spots left. One by the Dingley Dell and one by the bogs.
- Tina: [they are behind another car towing a caravan] He's going for Dingley Dell.
- Tina: Chris, I want Dingley Dell.
- Chris: I'm gonna get this bloody Dingley Dell.
- Tina: Can't we go around it?
- Chris: Just hold on, I'm gonna do it.
- Tina: [whining in her grating Brummie accent] Go around them. Go around. Go that way.
- Chris: I will, just wait there, wait...
- Tina: Just go around it.
- Chris: OK! Hold on.
- [he puts his foot down and goes onto the grass alongside them]
- Tina: Oh, Chris! Don't look at them, Chris.
- Chris: Woohoo!
- [he aggressively overtakes the other car and caravan, forcing it off the track]
- Chris: Ha ha! Fuck you! I am the best. Get in.