- Richard: [he, Lydia and Astrid see Jeremy at the Immigration kiosk] Don't stamp that passport!
- [the passport gets stamped]
- Jeremy: [sees them, smiles triumphantly] You're too late, man.
- Beetlejuice: [revealed as the official] I think it was Dostoevsky who said...
- [Jeremy sees that his passport reads Shit Out of Luck underneath his photo]
- Beetlejuice: ... Later, fucker!
- [without warning, Beetlejuice pulls the lever, Jeremy falls down the trapdoor and screams violently in the burning flames of hell]
- Beetlejuice: Ha, ha! Next!
- Wolf Jackson: Recognize this puss?
- Beetlejuice: Never seen that chick before in my life. Or afterlife.
- Lydia Deetz: I need you to help me save my daughter. But how do I know that you're going to keep your word?
- Beetlejuice: [crosses himself] I swear on my dead mother's soul.
- [bursts into flame]
- Delores: [entering the church] Betelgeuse!
- Beetlejuice: What the *BEEP*?
- [exactly how it's heard in the movie]
- Delores: I'm back.
- Beetlejuice: Sweetheart! You look fantastic! You look so... put together.
- Beetlejuice: You know, Bob, long distance relationships can be difficult, especially when one of you is dead and the other is ignoring you for thirty years. But Lydia and I, we have definite psychic connection, and I'll tell you something, she definitely saw me that last time. I felt a little tingle.
- Lydia Deetz: I've spent so much time talking to the dead, it's time I started living. I want to make memories with people I love, rather than be haunted by them later.
- Beetlejuice: Spill your guts. Who wants to go first? Alright, I will.
- [opens his shirt and his gut spills out eels]
- Beetlejuice: See, I'm willing to do the work!
- Lydia Deetz: Delia.
- Delia Deetz: Where have you been? I think I've cried all the water out of my body.
- Lydia Deetz: What happened to Dad?
- Delia Deetz: [to French model] I'm desolee, Le Tiger!
- [the model walks off]
- Delia Deetz: He is the Picasso of graffiti artists. He was tagging me like the walls of the Paris Métro. But now he's having a petite tantrum because I had to cancel the performance.
- Lydia Deetz: What happened?
- Delia Deetz: What? Oh. Your father's left me.
- Lydia Deetz: He's divorcing you?
- Delia Deetz: What a horrible thought. No! He's dead!
- Lydia Deetz: [shakily] What?
- Delia Deetz: Daddy's passed away.
- [Lydia sits down]
- Lydia Deetz: [sighs] How?
- Delia Deetz: He was returning from his bird watching expedition to the Funafuti Atoll when his plane went down in the South Pacific.
- Lydia Deetz: A plane crash? That was his worst nightmare.
- Delia Deetz: Actually, he survived the crash.
- Lydia Deetz: He drowned?
- Delia Deetz: Almost. But not quite, no. According to survivors, Daddy clung onto a wing.
- Lydia Deetz: So, how did he die?
- Delia Deetz: A shark jumped out of the water and got him! Just like that.
- Lydia Deetz: I just spoke to him on Saturday. He was so excited, he thanked me for the binoculars, he said he had observed the meeting rituals of the Tuamotu sandpiper.
- Delia Deetz: Yes, he flew halfway around the World to watch birds do it on a beach. And it killed him!
- Lydia Deetz: We need to tell Astrid.
- Delia Deetz: Oh. Must we? She's already such a morbid little thing.
- Lydia Deetz: That's if I can even reach her. We're barely on speaking terms.
- Delia Deetz: Oh, it would kill Charles to know I had to cancel my show.
- Le Tigre: [in French] Bonne journée a jamais!
- [He angrily walks off]
- Delia Deetz: What'd he say?
- Jane Butterfield: Where is Astrid?
- Lydia Deetz: On a date--her first. I think I'm more nervous than she is. The boy lives over on Jefferson?
- Jane Butterfield: Don't mention THAT street. I have a listing that's kept me from a perfect sales record. Oh, it's my own fault. The place had been on the market for years. But I thought if I could sell the Murder House, it would be a feather in my cap.
- Lydia Deetz: [confused] Murder House? Which house?
- Jane Butterfield: 125.
- Lydia Deetz: That's where I dropped Astrid off. She was seeing a boy named Jeremy.
- Jane Butterfield: Jeremy Frazier?
- Lydia Deetz: I... I didn't get his last name.
- Jane Butterfield: Oh, no, it can't be him. But Jeremy Frazier was bad news. 23 years ago, he murdered his parents. The cops found him hiding in his treehouse. When they tried to get him out, he fell, broke his neck, died instantly.
- [Lydia gasps in terror and realization and rushes out]
- Delia Deetz: So it's settled. Will bring Charles home to Winter River. But I've never hosted a funeral... I've never hosted anything without Charles standing there. Watching me. In awe.
- [Lydia tries calling Astrid but gets a voicemail]
- Lydia Deetz: She won't pick up.
- Rory: Maybe I should tell Astrid about Charles. Might be easier coming from a non-feminine masculine archetype.
- Delia Deetz: Well, there aren't any men left in the family.
- Rory: Well, no offense taken, Delia. I'll be a member of the family soon enough. In fact, I might be the perfect person to tell her. Having just lost my own grandfather.
- Delia Deetz: You did? When?
- Rory: Forty years ago. But in my child body, that's yesterday.
- Lydia Deetz: I'm gonna tell Astrid, okay? Just give me a few minutes before you come up.
- Delia Deetz: Enough! I'll handle this.
- [Gets out of the car and starts yelling]
- Delia Deetz: Astrid! Astrid! Astrid!
- [Astrid goes to the window]
- Delia Deetz: Stop torturing your mother. I know I usually find it funny, and only fair after the way she treated me when she was your age. But not today! Your mummy's lost her daddy. You've lost your grandpa. And I've lost my... horny handyman. Charles. Charles! Oh, Charles!
- [Bob the shrinker taps on his shoulder when he's looking at a picture of Lydia]
- Beetlejuice: Jesus, Bob. Can't can't you see I'm concentrating here? You know, Bob, long distance relationships can be difficult. Especially when one of you is dead and the others ignoring you for 30 years. But Lydia and I, we have a definite psychic connection. And I'll tell ya somethin', she definitely saw me that last time. I felt a little tingle. Sell him the honeymoon package. I'll kill the new husband, and I'll possess the ex-wife. I'll make her do some unseemly things, and then I'll post the pics. I'm needed upstairs. Bob, hold down the fort.
- Wolf Jackson: Wolf Jackson, Afterlife Crime Unit.
- Beetlejuice: Let me take a wild stab. Actor.
- Wolf Jackson: Not just any actor. I've done it all. For six movies and a reboot, I became Frank Hardballer. Doing my own stunts was non-negotiable. You know why?
- Jackson's Secretary: [handing him his coffee] Authenticity.
- Wolf Jackson: Correct. A vice cop doesn't get to a perp's door and then call for some hambone stuntman to break it down. Neither did I. You gotta keep it real.
- Beetlejuice: Looks like you got a little too real there, bud.
- Wolf Jackson: Who knew it was a live grenade? Your name came up on this case I'm investigating.
- [He shows him a picture of Delores and he freaks out]
- Wolf Jackson: Recognize this puss?
- Beetlejuice: Never seen that chick before in my life. Or afterlife.
- Wolf Jackson: Any idea why my suspect wrote your name in this schmo's goo?
- Beetlejuice: Uh... Hard to say, Wolf, but could be a super fan. You know, guys like you and me we drive the gals crazy.
- Wolf Jackson: She collected all her body parts. My hunch is she's out for revenge. And you seem to be numero uno on her hit list.
- Beetlejuice: Well, wouldn't be the first woman who wanted to kill me. And kinda hard to kill a dead guy.
- Wolf Jackson: This gal can. She's a soul sucker.
- Beetlejuice: Oh, yeah, you could say that again.
- Wolf Jackson: My advice, lay low. She gets her hands on you and your dead-dead. And there's no coming back from that, Mr Juice.
- Beetlejuice: Roger that.
- Rory: [after Beetlejuice crashed the wedding, confused] Lydia, what's going on here?
- [Lydia goes speechless trying to explain]
- Beetlejuice: [throws the handbook down, knowingly] Wow. Awkward.
- [he goes up to Rory]
- Beetlejuice: You haven't made much progress since our last session, so I'm going to suggest some drug therapy.
- [he injects Truth Serum in Rory's neck with a syringe, Rory groans from it]
- Beetlejuice: Don't be afraid to share. When you're ready.
- [Rory turns to Lydia taking deep breaths]
- Rory: [in difficulty] I always thought your whole act was bullshit.
- [Lydia and Astrid go bewildered]
- Rory: I never believed in ghosts, spirits, or any of it!
- Lydia Deetz: What? All this time? Why the hell did you want to get married?
- Rory: MONEY!
- [all the guests and Lydia go shocked, Astrid seems amused by this]
- Rory: [still in difficulty] I knew I could make more as your husband than I could as your manager. Ugh... And I never had a dead fiancée. I just went to that survivor's retreat so that I could meet weak women and exploit them! Uh, and I hit the codependent lottery when I met you!
- [Lydia goes furiously insulted]
- Beetlejuice: How about a little physical therapy?
- [Lydia is given a black and white striped boxing glove, Lydia then angrily punches Rory send him flying across the aisle with everyone watching and recording on their iPhones]
- Astrid Deetz: Can't believe Grandpa is dead. He's like the only semi-normal person in this family.
- Lydia Deetz: We're gonna be in Winter River for a few weeks.
- Astrid Deetz: What do you mean for a few weeks? I thought we were just going for the funeral.
- Lydia Deetz: Well, we need to clear out the house.
- Astrid Deetz: Grandpa loved that place.
- Delia Deetz: Yes, and we are going to honor him with a Grief Collective.
- Astrid Deetz: A "Grief Collective"?
- Delia Deetz: I am seeing a semi-multimedia visual manifesto of our loss. What does loss look like? Is it just tears? A headstone? Wilting gladioli? No, we need to unpack the art of sorrow.
- Astrid Deetz: Yeah, that sounds really traumatic. I can't go. I'm our school rep for our Student Environmental Conference next week. We're presenting our demands on climate change action.
- Lydia Deetz: I spoke with the principal, and they cleared it. She actually thinks it's a really good idea.
- Astrid Deetz: Yeah, well, I guess when you donate an entire art center, the principal becomes your little puppet on a string.
- Delia Deetz: [chuckling] Well, you're free to reject your inheritance when you're living high off a tree hugger's salary.