Jeff Dunham credited as playing...
Self • Walter • Achmed the Dead Terrorist • Achmed Jr. • Peanut • José Jalapeño on a Stick • Little Jeff • Bubba J
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Knock knock.
- Jeff Dunham: Who's there?
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Me, I kill you again!
- [laughs]
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: You're such an idiot! You keep answering the door! Where I am from, the game we teach our children is when someone says "Knock knock", you shut the fuck up and hide.
- [laughter]
- Peanut: Look, you know how Batman had a sidekick, Robin, and one of their weapons was a Batarang?
- Jeff Dunham: Yes, of course.
- Peanut: [looking at Jeff] Oh, dude.
- Jeff Dunham: What?
- Peanut: You just showed your geek. And it smells like loser.
- [shakes head]
- José Jalapeño on a Stick: You are not a loser, señor.
- Jeff Dunham: Thank you, José.
- Peanut: Suck-up.
- José Jalapeño on a Stick: Muppet reject.
- Jeff Dunham: Achmed, since you're clearly a terrorist, are you Muslim?
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: No! Scientologist.
- Jeff Dunham: But you used to be Muslim.
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: No, look at me! I'm too extreme! I was Catholic.
- Jeff Dunham: Really?
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: A Methodist.
- Jeff Dunham: What?
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Buddhist.
- Jeff Dunham: What?
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: A Baptist.
- Jeff Dunham: What?
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: A Capricorn.
- Jeff Dunham: Wait a minute! What are you doing?
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: I'm trying to offend as many infidels as possible.
- [laughs evilly]
- Peanut: So, how are you, Little Ugly Assjeff?
- Little Jeff: I'm sad, handsome Peanut.
- Jeff Dunham: Wait a minute. Handsome Peanut?
- Little Jeff: Yes, Peanut is very handsome, unlike you, ugly-ass Jeff.
- Jeff Dunham: He is me!
- Peanut: Good point.
- Little Jeff: I hate my ugly-ass self.
- Jeff Dunham: Walter, have you ever thought about being happy?
- Walter: Yeah.
- Jeff Dunham: What happened?
- Walter: Pissed me off.
- Jeff Dunham: What would happen if you were happy?
- Walter: Your show would suck.
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: My father was a suicide bomber.
- Jeff Dunham: So you guys were a lot alike?
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Well, I have his eyes. In a box! And I like to hide them wherever Walter is sleeping. That way, when Walter wakes up, it scares the crap out of him.
- Walter: [from inside the box] You son of a bitch, I'll kick your ass right now! I'll show you!
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Is that case locked from the outside?
- Jeff Dunham: Yeah, why?
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: 'Cause he still scares the crap out of me!
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: SILENCE!
- [audience applauds; impressed]
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Wait for it...
- [long pause]
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: I KILL YOU!
- [last lines]
- Jeff Dunham: [Peanut, José and Little Jeff are all making fun of Jeff] You guys really think this is funny?
- Peanut: Oh yeah.
- José Jalapeño on a Stick: [from inside the box] Si.
- Peanut: Definitely.
- Little Jeff: The truth hurts.
- Jeff Dunham: Okay. I tell you what, Peanut, you think that's funny?
- [reaches into box]
- Jeff Dunham: I have something here that you're gonna like.
- Peanut: What?
- Jeff Dunham: Just trust me. You're gonna love this.
- [pulls out a small hand puppet version of Peanut; the real Peanut looks shocked]
- Little Jeff: What the fuck is that?
- [audience laughs]
- Little Peanut: Hi, look at me! I'm a little idiot!
- [cackles]
- Peanut: That is not funny!
- Little Peanut: Yes, it is!
- Peanut: No, it's not!
- Jeff Dunham: I think it is.
- José Jalapeño on a Stick: Me, too.
- Little Jeff: L-O-L.
- Peanut: [to Little Jeff] Shut up!
- Jeff Dunham: [to audience] You guys have been awesome. Thank you! Good night!
- Peanut: [showing off his skills as a ventriloquist by working a dummy version of Jeff Dunham himself] How are you, Little Ugly Jeff?
- Little Jeff: Not good.
- Jeff Dunham: Wait a minute. You're gonna call him "Ugly Jeff"?
- Peanut: Oh, no, no, no. *Little* Ugly Jeff.
- Little Jeff: Is there any other name?
- Peanut: Uh, Little Ugly *Ass* Jeff?
- Little Jeff: I like that.
- José Jalapeño on a Stick: [from inside the box] Me, too, señor.
- Little Jeff: Thank you.
- Peanut: You're welcome.
- Jeff Dunham: Wait a minute. I would prefer if you didn't use the word "ass".
- Peanut: Oh, I didn't really. It's all one word. Little Ugly Assjeff.
- Little Jeff: Assjeff, Assjeff, I am Assjeff.
- Peanut: See? It's good.
- José Jalapeño on a Stick: Bravo!
- Peanut: Gracias.
- Little Jeff: De nada.
- Jeff Dunham: This is ridiculous!
- Jeff Dunham: [to Achmed, about to bring out his son] What I want you to do is to just...
- [points to his right]
- Jeff Dunham: ... look over there while I'm getting him out so you won't peek.
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Okay.
- Jeff Dunham: Just look over there.
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Hey, wait a minute. When I'm not looking, are you going to kill me?
- Jeff Dunham: No.
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: That's actually a good way of doing it, you know. Kind of old school, but effective.
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: [making the P sound in "posse" repeatedly] How am I doing that with no lips?
- [the audience laughs and applauds]
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: That's what she said.
- [cackles]
- Jeff Dunham: I can't believe you did that.
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: That's what SHE said!
- Jeff Dunham: Will you stop this?
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: [higher pitch] THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID!
- Jeff Dunham: I don't like this.
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: [VERY high pitch] THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID!
- Jeff Dunham: How long is this?
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: [screeching] THATSWHATSHESAID!
- [the audience applauds again; long pause as Jeff and Achmed stare at each other]
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Think about it...
- Jeff Dunham: So, you were talking to Walter earlier.
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: [suddenly angry] Damn it!
- [Peanut is reading the Asian man's irate email in an Asian-sounding voice, much to Jeff's annoyance]
- Jeff Dunham: I'm trying to do the right thing here.
- Peanut: I'm not!
- Jeff Dunham: You know, we have folks of Asian descent here this evening.
- Peanut: [Asian voice] Oh, so sorry.
- Jeff Dunham: WILL YOU STOP IT!
- Jeff Dunham: [to Achmed] There were never any girls at your school?
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: No, but for some reason, we had a girls' restroom.
- Jeff Dunham: I see.
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: And one day, Omar and I snuck in there to explore.
- Jeff Dunham: The girls' restroom?
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Uh-huh.
- Jeff Dunham: And what did you find?
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: A couple of strange and wonderful things.
- Jeff Dunham: Like what?
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Well, we found a machine. And if you put two shekels in it, a small missile would come out!
- Jeff Dunham: A missile?
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Well, I think it was. It had a little white fuse. And it must've been a very special missile, because it was lightly scented. And then you could put two shekels in the other machine and get the bonus accuracy package.
- Jeff Dunham: What?
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: It had WINGS!
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: [to Achmed Jr] Listen, you!
- Jeff Dunham: Achmed, you're getting hostile!
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Of course I'm getting hostile! I'm a terrorist, you idiot! You piss me off, I kill you!
- Achmed Jr.: Would that really solve anything?
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Pretty much, yeah, I think it does.
- Jeff Dunham: [about Achmed's dog with no legs] What did you call him?
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: [stares at Jeff] Seriously?
- [pause]
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Seriously?
- Jeff Dunham: What?
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: I had a dog with no legs.
- Jeff Dunham: What did you call him?
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Seriously? Okay, you're a comedian, right?
- Jeff Dunham: Yeah.
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: [slowly] I had a dog... with no legs.
- [threateningly]
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Ask me again...
- [Jeff stares at Achmed; they both raise their eyebrows at each other, open their mouths briefly without speaking and move their eyes back and forth between them and the audience]
- Jeff Dunham: What did you call him?
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: I didn't call him anything because he could never come.
- [the audience laughs]
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: It's not funny!
- Jeff Dunham: Achmed, that's, like, the oldest joke ever.
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Yes, but in my case, it was true.
- Jeff Dunham: [to Achmed about Achmed Jr.] You have no idea why he's here?
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: To start his training as a terrorist.
- Achmed Jr.: No, father, that's just it. I don't want to be a terrorist.
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: [gasps in shock] But... I want you to be just like me.
- Achmed Jr.: Well, I'm not, and I won't be.
- Jeff Dunham: [gently] Achmed, can you accept that?
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: [hangs his head and speaks in a cracked tearful voice] I guess I can try.
- Jeff Dunham: And A.J., what if he *doesn't* accept it?
- Achmed Jr.: [nonchalantly] I keel you.
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: [abruptly perks back up in pleased approval] That's my boy!
- Jeff Dunham: Wait a minute. You communicate with Osama?
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Of course.
- Jeff Dunham: How?
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: On Face-shot-off-Book.
- Jeff Dunham: I think a lot of us might like to know how you feel about the death of Osama.
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: [gasp] I didn't do it!
- [Achmed is pantomiming getting shot with a bow and arrow]
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Okay, I'm done. I can sit up now.
- Jeff Dunham: [laughing] Actually, you can't.
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: What?
- Jeff Dunham: [still laughing] Your ribs are caught on your spine.