Chupacabra vs. the Alamo

RELEASED TO TV IN 2013 and directed by Terry Ingram, the curiously titled "Chupacabra vs. the Alamo" details events in the San Antonio, TX, area when DEA agents (Erik Estrada, Julia Benson & Vanesa Tomasino) team-up with Hispanic outlaws in order to wipeout packs of rabid chupacabras. Jorge Vargas plays the estranged gang-oriented son of the head DEA agent (Estrada).

'Chupacabra' is a Spanish word, which literally means "goat-sucker" (from chupar "to suck" and cabra "goat"). There are two varieties of the cryptozoological beast: (1.) a reptile-like creature with leathery/scaly greenish-gray skin and sharp spines or quills running down its back; and (2.) a hairless form of canine with a pronounced spinal ridge and prominent eye sockets, fangs, and claws. This movie features the second version.

This is basically Hispanic TV horror with CGI chupacabras getting wiped out en masse. The movie starts serious, but becomes increasingly humorous as it moves along, particularly the second half. The first half is more engaging due to the human interest, which segues into the dynamic, but less interesting second half where there's an explosive (Surprise!) showdown at the Alamo.

Estrada is in perfect shape at 63 years-of-age during filming (looking almost 20 years younger) and is stalwart as the hero. Benson is reminiscent of Sean Young when she was younger and has a marvel-inducing face & full head of brunette hair, but she needs to gain like 15-20 lbs. Nicole Muñoz & Anja Savcic as the Estrada character's daughter and her bestie are cute. Tomasino is adorable in her own unique way as well.

THE MOVIE RUNS 88 minutes and was shot in San Antonio, Texas. WRITERS: Peter Sullivan & Jeffrey Schenck.

GRADE: B-/C+

Chupacabra vs The Alamo Directed by Terry Ingram. Written by Peter Sullivan and Jeffrey Schenck

This is it. We made it. We made it through all seven movies of the Chupacabra Festival. It took some rearranging when two of the movies were lost at sea. It took some booze and some burritos and jerky to get through them all. It even took a refresher documentary to remember what the Chupacabra actually was. I'm here and ready for the final movie, the one I specifically saved for the very end. Erik Estrada decked out in full leather riding his trademarked motorcycle against a pack of Chupacabras. I'm ready.

This movie starts out promisingly with a brutal attack and the chupacabra is fairly small like the reports described. I was pretty excited at this point. It didn't matter that it was originally broadcast on television. Chupacabra Terror was also a Sci Fi channel original. I was pumped and gearing up for some genuine chupacabra action. Then the movie fell flat on its face even with the low expectations that these movies engender.

The chupacabras are a pack of very sick but super strong dogs. They eat people very easily. They are also a million of them and nobody seems to believe the motorcycle cop. These things are everywhere and wreaking all kinds of havoc. They put some effort into it. Not a bunch mind you. The green screen bike riding was a chuckle fest worthy of the Sci-Fi channel original movies. The action scenes are naturally a jumbled mess. It was obvious that they didn't have the money to give this premise the full treatment.

Tons and tons of b roll shot separately of San Antonio skyline, Riverwalk and of course the Alamo but it was obviously not shot at the same time as this production or even with the same camera. This is to be expected with these kinds of movies. The title is definitely misleading because the Alamo is just a building. Unlike Airplane vs Volcano, there is no special situation where the title is able to make sense. It takes the story of the Alamo and the last stand of Davy Crockett and his ilk and transplants it onto this story of Erik Estrada and compatriots against the CGI chupacabra dogs. They brandish their guns and their can do attitude against these monsters.

This is the movie you absolutely think it will be based on the description and the title alone. It is designed not to be taken even remotely seriously. It lives on meta jokes and ridiculous situations and tropes. It handles these things in a rather sloppy manner. It is funny in moments because the movie clearly does not care one iota about being a traditionally good movie. It is there to bust balls and create some joy. It does that but it becomes too much for too long after a while. There is only so much laughter I gleam from intentionally bad films. What is the chupacabra anyway?

I give this film a D.

Good old Erik still does a semi-cohesive and usually believable performance (as he always has), along with a pretty decent cast. However the motorcycle driving sequences against the fake backgrounds were horribly bogus and right out of the 40's. Should have skipped those images altogether.Flashbacks to CHIPS are unneeded and Erik is more believable in a rugged Jeep than a bike. Budget concerns aside, the director needs to be horse whipped. The creature was well done and looks just what I imagine a Chupacabra would look like, if there is such a thing. Erik isn't reaching for the stars here, but this vehicle keeps him visible as a prominent B Actor who carries significant gravitas as a TV actor working in B Movies.

This film was never going to win any awards. It doesn't possess any of the redeeming qualities that a half-decent movie might have, like memorable or relatable characters, a coherent plot, some kind of theme or even some cheap scares. If that's what you were hoping for, then I have to wonder what lapse in judgement led you to seek out a movie like this.

What it does have is something that I think straddles the boundary between kitsch and camp. The ridiculous nature of everything that happens here is almost, maybe, intentional: from the "release the hounds" and "there's a bunch of chupacabras up in here", to the ultimate battle at the Alamo which seems to satirize the absurdity of that historical event.

If you don't think about the Taco Bell Chihuahua for just a second while watching this movie, you probably won't truly enjoy it. It's a terrible film without any pretense of artistic merit. If you can go into it with that in mind, I hope you can enjoy it as well as I have.

... Besides, doesn't some part of you want to know who wins?

The title is great and the idea was intriguing, so there was potential to be had in Chupacabra vs. The Alamo. Sadly, its potential that was never really met. While Chupacabra vs. The Alamo is not a good movie and has much of what is so wrong with SyFy's movies in the first place, it was not terrible either and SyFy have certainly done much worse. There are things that are done decently, there is some energy to be seen, the music is not too generic or overbearing and the acting from Erik Estrada and Julia Benson is better than average. The rest of the acting ranges from over-the-top to bland, Aleks Paunovic doesn't have much worthwhile to do and the role is rather strange. And Nicole Munoz badly overdoes the stereotypical bratty daughter character, who is written in such a way that you actually want to strangle her. Chupacabra vs. The Alamo is also the sort of movie that screams of a Danny Trejo cameo but never happened. In all fairness though, the actors do have to work with really clichéd and clunky-sounding dialogue and characters that have no development or likability to them(there's an effect of them being there only for the sake of them having to be there as part of the movie). The pacing is somewhat uneven, there is energy of course, but it can also get rather erratic, especially in the attack scenes, while the melodramatic moments and how the story unfolds takes too much time to do so. The story is to be polite utter nonsense, it also takes too much time to build up(90 minutes or so in until they reach the Alamo), the attacks are not very inventive or memorable instead coming across as predictable and too hurriedly edited, and it is really bogged down by the melodrama. While there are worse-looking movies from SyFy, Chupacabra vs. The Alamo is not really that well-made. The settings are drab and not that much different from many other SyFy movies from the same genre, and the editing is too choppy and frantic. The CGI for the dogs looks horrible, and the dogs themselves are too cute and indifferently designed to be taken seriously as menacing antagonists, which is another reason why the impact of the attacks were diminished as much as they were. And I also did not like the use of the green-screen shots for the parts with the motorcycle, they look amateurish, look out of place and are over-used. On the whole, there is definitely worse to be seen but even when you know what to expect this was an example of good potential wasted by mediocre at best execution. 3.5/10 Bethany Cox