Ricky Gervais credited as playing...
Dominic Badguy
- Constantine: My name will go down as the greatest thief of all time!
- Dominic Badguy: You mean our names, right?
- Constantine: Of course. My name first, then spacebar, spacebar, spacebar... your name.
- Dominic Badguy: Dominic: International Tour Manager.
- [presents his business card]
- Fozzie Bear: "Dominic Bad Guy"?
- Dominic Badguy: "Bad-gee". It's French.
- Dominic Badguy: [Walter is skeptical of the Madrid show's success] I'm glad to say the Spanish reviewers disagree with you as well, Walter. They loved us. Five out of five jamon serranos.
- Walter: Whoa. Those reviews really came out fast.
- Pepe the King Prawn: And "Citizen Kane" only got four jamon serranos.
- Dominic Badguy: I want every seat in the house filled. Give tickets away if you have to.
- Critic: Well, it's the Muppets. It won't be easy.
- Dominic Badguy: [passing Constantine off as Kermit] Flawlessly executed. Bravo.
- Constantine: What did you expect from world's most dangerous frog and number one criminal, Number Two?
- Dominic Badguy: Yeah, I know. You're number one, I'm number two. I think you mentioned that before.
- Constantine: Now that we control the Muppet tour, Number Two, phase one of our plan is complete. We are now positioned to carry out greatest...
- [mumbling]
- Constantine: ...burgle... blurgh-el... burgle...
- Dominic Badguy: Burglary.
- Constantine: Yes. Of all time and pin it on those gullible Muppets, who will spend the rest of their miserable lives behind bars.
- Kermit, Gonzo, Fozzie Bear, Miss Piggy, Rowlf the Dog, Scooter: [singing 'We're Doing A Sequel'] We're doing a sequel
- Beaker: [Beaker is teleported into a monitor with a test pattern screen, running frantically] Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!
- Kermit, Gonzo, Fozzie Bear, Miss Piggy, Rowlf the Dog, Scooter: Let's give it a shot,
- Kermit: All we need now is a half-decent plot...
- Gonzo: Got it: an epic love story between a very handsome, long-nosed, purple thing and a beautiful chicken.
- Gonzo: [the scenery falls over] I call it: "Gonzo With the Wind".
- Camilla: [Camilla clucks]
- Kermit: Does anybody have any other ideas?
- Fozzie Bear: Oh, oh! It's about getting the Muppets back together again to stop an evil oil baron from demolishing the old studio!
- Kermit: Fozzie, did you even watch our last film?
- Miss Piggy: It's about a frog who marries a beautiful, perfect pig, and they have to kiss each other a lot!
- Kermit: Uh...
- Swedish Chef: [subtitled Swedish-sounding gibberish] How about a film on the existential conundrum of religious faith?
- Kermit: I don't think Americans watch subtitled films.
- Dominic Badguy: [Ricky Gervais appearing as himself] Kermit, how about the Muppets go on a world tour?
- Kermit: [Kermit gasps in surprise] That's perfect!
- Dominic Badguy: Have you studied your Kermit tapes yet?
- Constantine: Of course not. This is child's play for frog of my talent.
- Constantine: [singing] I'm number one/You're number two/We're criminals at large/But I'm at larger than you/I'm number one/You're number two/I believe in equality/As long as you get less than me/I'm one.
- Dominic Badguy: You're one.
- Constantine: You're number two.
- Dominic Badguy: I'm number two.
- Constantine: You may think that you're smarter/But I'm smarter than you/I'm number one/You're number two/You're lucky to be number two/Not number three/I can see by the look in your eye/You want to get a bigger piece of the pie/One day, you'll get your chance/But in the meantime, you've got to dance, monkey, dance!
- Dominic Badguy: Really? I hate dancing.
- Kermit the Frog: [Dominic wants to change the venue of their first show] Guys, I-I'm not sure we can do this, you know?
- Dominic Badguy: Okay, let's put this to the vote. All those in favor of believing in ourselves, raise your hands.
- Kermit the Frog: [hands are raised] That's not what I'm saying.
- Dominic Badguy: And all those in favor of just giving up.
- Kermit the Frog: [with a sigh] I can't believe I'm voting for giving up.
- Dominic Badguy: Don't take it personally. They still love you. They just prefer me now.
- Kermit the Frog: Uh, thank you, Dominic. That's very comforting.
- Dominic Badguy: Do you know what I think helps sometimes in situations like this?
- Kermit the Frog: What?
- Dominic Badguy: A walk alone in the fog in former East Berlin. Maybe along a deserted canal.
- [he shows Kermit a map with a large arrow literally labeled "deserted canal"]
- Kermit the Frog: Well, I guess a quiet stroll is not a bad idea. Let the others know I've gone, will you?
- Dominic Badguy: Hi, guys. Look, it's Kermit, just back from his afternoon stroll.
- Constantine: Hi-lo! I am Kermit.
- Dominic Badguy: He's got a cold. That's why his voice sounds a little bit different at the moment.
- [the other Muppets all mutter in agreement, and Constantine fakes a hacking cough]
- Dominic Badguy: See? Just calm down. Just relax.
- Constantine: You are right. Dominic is terrific!
- Dominic Badguy: Aw.
- Constantine: From now on, let's do whatever he says. Hmm?
- Fozzie Bear: Wow, that walk must have really helped.
- Dominic Badguy: Listen up. You're hot. You're having a moment. But what is inevitable about a moment? It ends.
- Fozzie Bear: [clutching Kermit] I don't want this moment to end!
- Dominic Badguy: That's why we got to get out there now and capitalize on this moment with a capital "C", yeah?
- [Constantine sees Dominic in an animal suit]
- Constantine: Number Two, you look ridiculous! Why are you wearing that?
- Dominic Badguy: Because I am the Lemur, and the world's new No 1 Criminal! That's right, this is where I double-cross you!
- Constantine: First rule of double-cross: you don't announce the double-cross before you double-cross. It's not even a rule, because it's so obvious!
- [blows up Dominic]
- Dominic Badguy: I want you to conquer the world. Do an international tour. Show a global audience what you can do.
- Kermit the Frog: [over the other Muppets' excited chatter] Yeah, that sounds great, but I-I'm just not sure... wait, wait a second, guys, listen. I'd love to do that, too. But we've barely gotten back together. We don't want to mess that up.
- Dominic Badguy: Okay, I am inundated with offers of management at the moment. One Direction, U2, Cirque du Soleil. Just some of the acts I can list.
- Fozzie Bear: [exclaiming in awe] Wow, that's a good list!
- Dominic Badguy: What's wrong? You only ever knit when you're stressed.
- Constantine: The bear, the little guy, and their dog, they are onto us. They got away.
- Dominic Badguy: How are we gonna spin this?
- Dominic Badguy: I'm number two/He's number one/I can't believe I'm working for an amphibian/I'm number two/He's number one.
- Constantine: I'm number one!
- Dominic Badguy: You know life's gone to the dogs/When your boss is a frog/I can see it's just a matter of time/Before he's gone and I'm at the front of the line/It won't be long 'til I get my chance/But in the meantime, I've got to dance, monkey, dance.
- Constantine: I'm number one.
- Dominic Badguy: He's number one.
- Constantine: You're number two.
- Dominic Badguy: I'm number two.
- Constantine: Now, that's it, kid/There you go/Now step aside/This ain't your show/I'm one.
- Dominic Badguy: [mimicking] "I'm one."
- Constantine: I'm number one.
- Dominic Badguy: Yes, we know.
- Constantine: I'm...
- Dominic Badguy: He's...
- Dominic Badguy, Constantine: Number one!
- Constantine: [tap-dancing on Dominic's head] That's how it's done.
- Constantine: Once you have stolen the Crown Jewels and framed the Muppets, ring the tower bell five times and we will rendezvous on the roof.
- Dominic Badguy: But what will you do when you're married? Because the pig'll know everything.
- Constantine: Once she's served her purpose, kaboom. It will be bacon for breakfast.
- Sam Eagle: Congratulations, weirdos, you've saved the Crown Jewels!
- Jean Pierre Napoleon: And you've caught my nemesis, the Lemur. Look at his little costume. That's adorable!
- Dominic Badguy: I'm not adorable.
- Sam Eagle: He *is* adorable.
- Constantine: You're adorable! Did you make that kitty-cat outfit?
- Rowlf the Dog: The bad guy is Dominic Badguy!
- Dominic Badguy: [searching for Colonel Blood's key] Where is it?
- Constantine: It's got to be here somewhere. Keep smashing, Number Two.
- Dominic Badguy: What do you think I'm doing? I'm smashing.
- Constantine: Where is that key?
- Dominic Badguy: [picking up a statue] The last one. It better be in here.
- Constantine: He looks a little bit like you, Number Two.
- Dominic Badguy: [smashing it] Colonel Blood's key.
- Constantine: Hmm. Nice of him to label it.