Steve Whitmire credited as playing...
Kermit the Frog • Foo Foo • Statler • Beaker • Lips • Rizzo the Rat • Link Hogthrob • The Newsman
- Walter: Do you guys think that Kermit's been acting a little weird lately?
- Miss Piggy: That's ridiculous! He's never been so caring and devoted to me!
- Rizzo: Yeah, that's what we are saying!
- Kermit: You mean all this time I've been trapped in a Russian Gulag, no one, not one single person from the Muppets, except Animal, noticed I'd been replaced by an evil criminal mastermind?
- Fozzie Bear: It sounds worse than it was...
- Walter: No, it's as bad as it sounds.
- Rowlf the Dog: [On the sign in German] Die Muppets?
- Waldorf: It looks like the reviews are out early.
- Statler: Or maybe that's the suggestion box.
- Miss Piggy: You may be the world's most dangerous frog, but you're still a FROG!
- [beats up Constantine]
- Miss Piggy: [in between punches] NO - ONE - TRICKS - ME - INTO - MARRYING - THEM - AND - THEN - HURTS - MY - KERMIE!
- Constantine: [dazed] What a woman...
- Kermit: Yeah, MY woman! And I believe this belongs to you!
- [smacks Constantine with his mole]
- Kermit: The weakest point in the gulag is over there, by the fourth wall.
- [Kermit, Fozzie, Walter, and Animal turn and stare at the camera for several long seconds]
- [first lines]
- First AD: And cut!
- Walter: Wow, that was so amazing!
- Kermit: Walter, you did a wonderful job.
- Walter: Thank you, Kermit. Did we get that?
- Miss Piggy: We got it.
- Kermit: We got it, yup.
- First AD: [speaks into bullhorn] Movie's over, people, go home. That is a wrap.
- Scooter: Okay, nice work, everyone. Make sure to fill out your I-9's, and we'll see you on the next one.
- Scooter: [crew leaves the set] So uh, what do we do now?
- Fozzie Bear: Well, we're together again. We got the theater and all our fans are back.
- Rowlf the Dog: Actually, those were extras.
- Fozzie Bear: I saw a few tapping their toes.
- Scooter: Yeah, those were paid dancers.
- Fozzie Bear: Oh.
- Miss Piggy: Or, maybe since we're all here, now could be the perfect time for you and me to tie the knot, Kermie.
- Kermit: [stammering] Well... I mean, maybe I could-...
- Walter: Hey, what's the camera still doing here?
- Statler: Oh no, disaster! That can only mean one thing!
- Waldorf: Doggone it, you're right.
- Statler: Mm-hmm.
- Waldorf: It looks like they've ordered a sequel.
- Statler, Waldorf: Doh-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho!
- Kermit: Piggy, I'm sorry I ruined your wedding...
- Miss Piggy: Oh, Kermie... I'm so glad you did.
- [they kiss]
- Kermit, Fozzie Bear, Miss Piggy, Gonzo, Rowlf the Dog, Scooter: [singing 'We're Doing A Sequel'] We're doing a sequel...
- Dr. Bunsen Honeydew: I don't mean to be a stickler, But this is the seventh sequel to our original motion picture
- Miss Piggy: Is this a good time to discuss our upcoming European wedding?
- Kermit the Frog: No, actually, I'm kind of busy right now.
- Miss Piggy: Perfect! I have 23 swatches for the seat covers for the reception, eight font choices for the menu, which, by the way, we are not serving flies.
- Kermit the Frog: Piggy, what are you talking about?
- Miss Piggy: I'm just trying to involve you in some of the decision-making, dear.
- Kermit the Frog: What about being involved in the decision to get married in the first place, huh?
- Miss Piggy: Oh, Kermit, you never let me do what I want!
- Kermit the Frog: Oh, yeah? Well, what about what I want, huh? What about that? I-I haven't even proposed yet.
- Miss Piggy: You can do that on our honeymoon.
- Kermit the Frog: What? That-that's insane! Do you hear what you're saying?
- Miss Piggy: Insane? How dare you call your fiancee insane?
- Kermit the Frog: You are not my fiancee! We are not engaged! A-And as a matter of fact, the way this particular conversation is going right now... well... I'm fine with that!
- Kermit the Frog: Hold on, hold on! There must be some mistake! Don't you know me? I-I'm Kermit the Frog!
- German Cop: Silence, Constantine. The game is up.
- Kermit the Frog: Who?
- [turning and seeing Constantine's wanted poster, he screams]
- Kermit the Frog: Oh, no, no! Wait a minute! I'm Kermit the Frog! Guys, this is a mistake, I'm telling you!
- [getting thrown into the back of a police van]
- Kermit the Frog: Hey, hey! Hello! Somebody! Open up! I'm an Amphibian-American!
- The Newsman: Muppet News Flash! Constantine, the world's most dangerous frog, has escaped from a maximum-security Gulag in Siberia, Russia. This move has leapfrogged Constantine to the number-one most wanted criminal in the world, one place ahead of the mysterious Lemur.
- Kermit, Gonzo, Fozzie Bear, Miss Piggy, Rowlf the Dog, Scooter: [singing 'We're Doing A Sequel'] We're doing a sequel
- Beaker: [Beaker is teleported into a monitor with a test pattern screen, running frantically] Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!
- Kermit, Gonzo, Fozzie Bear, Miss Piggy, Rowlf the Dog, Scooter: Let's give it a shot,
- Kermit: All we need now is a half-decent plot...
- Gonzo: Got it: an epic love story between a very handsome, long-nosed, purple thing and a beautiful chicken.
- Gonzo: [the scenery falls over] I call it: "Gonzo With the Wind".
- Camilla: [Camilla clucks]
- Kermit: Does anybody have any other ideas?
- Fozzie Bear: Oh, oh! It's about getting the Muppets back together again to stop an evil oil baron from demolishing the old studio!
- Kermit: Fozzie, did you even watch our last film?
- Miss Piggy: It's about a frog who marries a beautiful, perfect pig, and they have to kiss each other a lot!
- Kermit: Uh...
- Swedish Chef: [subtitled Swedish-sounding gibberish] How about a film on the existential conundrum of religious faith?
- Kermit: I don't think Americans watch subtitled films.
- Dominic Badguy: [Ricky Gervais appearing as himself] Kermit, how about the Muppets go on a world tour?
- Kermit: [Kermit gasps in surprise] That's perfect!
- Kermit the Frog: [Dominic wants to change the venue of their first show] Guys, I-I'm not sure we can do this, you know?
- Dominic Badguy: Okay, let's put this to the vote. All those in favor of believing in ourselves, raise your hands.
- Kermit the Frog: [hands are raised] That's not what I'm saying.
- Dominic Badguy: And all those in favor of just giving up.
- Kermit the Frog: [with a sigh] I can't believe I'm voting for giving up.
- The Great Gonzo: Hey, I have an amazing idea for an act. It's called the indoor running of the bulls.
- Kermit the Frog: Gonzo, I've told you, that act is far too dangerous.
- The Great Gonzo: Actually, Kermit, I was asking Dominic what he thinks.
- Kermit the Frog: Good grief.
- Dominic Badguy: Don't take it personally. They still love you. They just prefer me now.
- Kermit the Frog: Uh, thank you, Dominic. That's very comforting.
- Dominic Badguy: Do you know what I think helps sometimes in situations like this?
- Kermit the Frog: What?
- Dominic Badguy: A walk alone in the fog in former East Berlin. Maybe along a deserted canal.
- [he shows Kermit a map with a large arrow literally labeled "deserted canal"]
- Kermit the Frog: Well, I guess a quiet stroll is not a bad idea. Let the others know I've gone, will you?
- Kermit the Frog: I've booked us into cabaret bars and coffee houses all across the industrial cities of Northern Germany. Dusseldorf, Hamburg, Mudburg, Vomitdorf.
- Fozzie Bear: Poopenburgen?
- Kermit the Frog: Fozzie, have a solid week booked in Poopenburgen.
- Kermit the Frog: Since we're playing such a big theater, let's stick with what we know. We'll open with a cabaret number...
- The Great Gonzo: Kermit, when do I do the indoor running of the bulls?
- [a bull bellows, and the other Muppets jump as its crate rocks]
- Dr. Bunsen Honeydew: Mr. Kermit, sir? I would very much like to demonstrate my magnetic bomb-attractor vest.
- Kermit the Frog: [Beaker approaches in said suit] Bunsen, why would you even invent one of those?
- Dr. Bunsen Honeydew: Why did I invent the unexpectedly exploding cupcake?
- [inside Beaker's helmet, said cupcake explodes]
- The Great Gonzo: Hey, what about Muppet Ladder?
- Kermit the Frog: Muppet Ladder? That's never, ever worked, Gonzo. Last time we all tried that was twenty years ago, and you ended up in a cast for six months.
- The Great Gonzo: Yeah, good times.