- Mrs. Dickson: So, how did you and Doug meet?
- Maya: We met at a party and then he stalked me to my dorm room.
- Captain Dickson: Stalked you? And then what happened?
- Maya: Then, we hung out and watched a movie.
- Maya: [pause for a second] Actually, we watched it a couple times.
- Captain Dickson: This is bullshit! Waiter, can a black man get some water?
- Schmidt: Someone get the fucking man some water. He's black, he's been through a lot!
- [from trailer]
- Captain Dickson: We Jump Street, and we 'bout to jump in yo ass.
- Jenko: Mmmm-hmmm.
- Schmidt: Right in the crack.
- Captain Dickson: Fuck a 21 Jump Street & *FUCK* a Korean Jesus!
- Jenko: [pointing across the room to the statue of Jesus] Captain, Korean Jesus is right there!
- Captain Dickson: That's Vietnamese Jesus now. See this is a Vietnamese church, you racist sacrilegious sack of shit!
- [admiring Vietnamese Jesus]
- Captain Dickson: Yeah, Vietnamese Jesus is just drippin' swag-goo!
- Captain Dickson: Gentlemen, you're not gonna sit here
- [places pistol down on desk]
- Captain Dickson: & pretend there's not a big-ass elephant in the room.
- Jenko: [confused] What the fuck is going on?
- Captain Dickson: [turns picture frame on desk around, revealing a photo of Maya] *This* is what the fuck is going on!
- Jenko: [looks at the picture confused, looks at Schmidt, then back at the picture as he realizes] OH SHIT! Oh Shit!
- [laughs hysterically at Schmidt]
- Jenko: Oh shit! No! That is not happening right now!
- [exits office]
- Jenko: No!
- [to coworkers, exchanging high fives]
- Jenko: Hey ya'll he's fucking the captain's daughter! Yo! Oh my FUCK!
- Captain Dickson: [as Jenko is laughing outside office, to Schmidt] Every time, he says that shit? That's another foot in your ass!
- Jenko: [outside office] Schmidt! You clearly... yo, this is the best thing ever!
- [laughing]
- Jenko: Schmidt fucked the captain's daughter!
- [sing-song]
- Jenko: Schmidt fucked the captain's daughter! Schmidt fucked the captain's daughter!
- Jenko: [re-enters office] Shit! Fuck!
- [to Schmidt]
- Jenko: You fucked Captain Dickson's daughter? Captain? What the fuck, you bragged to him to his face! To his actual face, the captain, do you understand that *this face*
- [pointing to Captain Dickson's angry face]
- Jenko: right here! You bragged to that face!
- Jenko: [to Captain Dickson] You actually high-fived Schmidt for fucking your daughter? Holy Shit! Oh my God, this is...
- Captain Dickson: [picks pistol up and places it back on the desk, with the barrel facing Jenko]
- Jenko: [composing himself] It's really not that funny.
- Captain Dickson: [see's Schmidt dating his daughter maya] How do you know this person?
- Maya: Dad, this is Doug, he's a guy I'm dating.
- Captain Dickson: What the fuck?
- Schmidt: Slam... poetry. Yelling! Angry! Waving my hands a LOT! Specific point of view on THINGS! Cynthia! Cyn-thi-a! Jesus died for our sin-thi-as! Jesus cried, runaway bride. Julia Roberts! Julia Rob... hurts! Cynthia! Ooh, Cynthia. You're dead. You are dead. Bop boop beep bop bop boop bop. You're dead. That's for Cynthia... who's dead.
- [last lines before end credits sequence]
- Captain Dickson: Jenko, what are you doing, man?
- Jenko: Fuck you, Schmidt!
- Captain Dickson: Stop dicking around!
- Jenko: Hey, captain!
- Captain Dickson: Congratulations, you two. You managed to un-fuck a situation you originally already fucked up!
- Schmidt: Thanks!
- Captain Dickson: [talking to Schmidt] I wish I could have you un-fuck my daughter, but I'ma let that be the past.
- Captain Dickson: [talking to Schmidt and Jenko] Now, for your next mission, you two sons of bitches going to medical school!
- Jenko: What?
- Schmidt: I just wanna say that it was bizarre not to share the fact that your daughter went to MC State...
- Captain Dickson: I think it's bizarre that I haven't cut your motherfuckin' nuts off.
- Jenko: [to Schmidt] What if, Captain gets to punch you in the face, one time? Really, really, REALLY hard?
- Captain Dickson: Nah, I've got something WAY better than that.
- [cut to Captain Dickson shooting a stun gun at Schmidt's testicles]
- Schmidt: [after Mr. Walters mimicked him mockingly] I don't sound like that.
- Mr. Walters: Eric! Close your eyes and tell me who's talking!
- [makes a whining baby sound]
- Eric Molson: [eyes closed] Ugh, Schmidt bein' a little bitch.
- [during end credits sequence]
- Jenko: I'm really really glad you're back, Schmidt.
- Schmidt: What are you talking about? What contract dispute? I have been here the whole time.
- Captain Dickson: Hey, shut the fuck up! How about a flight academy?
- Deputy Chief Hardy: The Koreans bought the church back, so we had to move across the street... to 22 Jump Street.
- Mr. Walters: Hey, guess what. I'm Eric's bitch!
- Eric Molson: No you're not.
- Mr. Walters: Yes I am! You own this ass!
- [during end credits sequence]
- Captain Dickson: This time, foreign exchange students!
- Schmidt: Awesome!
- Jenko: Yes!
- Captain Dickson: In Russia!
- Jenko: What?
- Schmidt: Mr. Walters, I should apologize for...
- Mr. Walters: ...for shooting my penis off? Don't sweat it, brother. I'm liberated. Totally. You know they gave me a vagina. It's awesome. You guys wanna see it?
- Jenko, Schmidt: No, no, no, no!
- Mr. Walters: Eric's seen it. Eric's been all up in that shit. Ain't that right, Eric?
- Eric Molson: You guys gotta get me the fuck out of here.
- [post credits scene]
- Mr. Walters: Eric! Eric, are you awake?
- Eric Molson: No!
- Mr. Walters: I'm late!
- [Eric is seen with a sad and miserable look on his face while moving his lips in horror. Cut to Columbia Pictures ending logo with the sound of a prison cell closing in the background]
- Jenko: Lets do this Schmidt!
- Morton Schmidt: Yeah, just like we always do, Jenkins.
- Jenko: [whispering] Dude, it's Jenko!
- Morton Schmidt: Sorry.
- 'Previously' Narrator: And a surprise start today for walk-on freshman, Brad McQuaid.
- Football game spectator: Looks pretty old to be a freshman.
- 'Previously' Narrator: It's the hormones in the milk, Bob.
- Mcs Coach: [Talking about Brad McQuaid] Holy shit, he's good. None of you tell McQuaid that he's good. Alright? If you do, he will leave this MC State program.
- Schmidt: There's a microchip in this dough.
- Culinary School Villain: Old family receipt. Lets keep it a secret.
- Culinary School Villain: [Jenko throws a knife at the Culinary School Villain's chest] Oh shit!
- Captain Dickson: New assignment...
- Jenko: Captain, does Schmidt look any different to you?
- [the person sitting next to Jenko is Seth Rogen and not Jonah Hill]
- Captain Dickson: No, that's Schmidt. I don't know what you are talking about. Schmidt looks exactly the same to me, man.
- Morton Schmidt: I got new glasses.
- Captain Dickson: Yeah man, he just got some new glasses, man. God Damn!
- Morton Schmidt: [whispering to Jenko] No one is going to fucking notice.
- Jenko: What if we actually went into the Secret Service and like, tried to protect the White House?
- Schmidt: I don't think that would work.
- Deputy Chief Hardy: I am going to ask you to stop talking.
- Jenko: I thought it was a pretty good idea.
- Deputy Chief Hardy: Do the same thing as last time, everyone's happy.
- Schmidt: [acting undercover] Hey yo, Sleepy! Whassup, homie?
- [points to Jenko]
- Schmidt: You remember my cousin, Sad Boy?
- Scarface: I think you got the wrong guy, holmes.
- Schmidt: That's bullshit, man, you Sleepy! Everyone's saying at the barrio, "Hey Sleepy! He like the Mexican Wolverine and shit!" My partner, he wanna see that product.
- Scarface: [points to Jenko] Why ain't he talking?
- Jenko: [hesitates a while, then in a high-pitched tone] My name Jeff!