- Jeff Dunham: [Peanut is dressed as a Batman-type superhero] So you're Batman.
- Peanut: No, no, no!
- [low voice]
- Peanut: I'm Bat*nut*!
- Jeff Dunham: Batnut?
- Peanut: [still low voice] Yes! Batnut, nut-based avenger of the night!
- Jeff Dunham: Is that why you're talking like that?
- Peanut: Of course!
- Jeff Dunham: Batnut.
- Peanut: Yes.
- Jeff Dunham: You sound more like you're the Joker.
- [laughs; Peanut stares]
- Peanut: Okay, shut up! I'll do the talking, you just stand there and try to look like you're doing something besides just standing there.
- Peanut: I have everything Batman has except one thing.
- Jeff Dunham: What?
- Peanut: A butler.
- [looks at Jeff]
- Jeff Dunham: Funny.
- Peanut: Aw, come on, dude! You'd make a great butler.
- Jeff Dunham: No.
- Peanut: Just go with it. You're Batnut's butler.
- Jeff Dunham: Great.
- Peanut: The Nutler! Now, Nutler, go iron my cape and disinfect my polyester bat shorts.
- Jeff Dunham: It seems to me like I'm standing next to a poor excuse for a Batman.
- Peanut: And I'm standing next to a poor excuse for a white man.
- José Jalapeño on a Stick: I wanted to dress as something that gave me nightmares.
- Peanut: Like a big plate of nachos?
- [cackles]
- José Jalapeño on a Stick: No, I wanted to dress as an ugly whore.
- Peanut: Why didn't you?
- José Jalapeño on a Stick: I could not find a mask that looks like your sister.
- Jeff Dunham: All right, so, Bubba J, you're a vampire.
- Bubba J: Yup, and I've come to suck your beer!
- Jeff Dunham: [to Achmed] So, where you're from, are there female suicide bombers?
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: We're pushing for it.
- Jeff Dunham: Why?
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: It's a lot easier than divorce. Think about it...!
- Jeff Dunham: [to Walter] Is there any particular movie that scares you?
- Walter: Yeah, a film of my wedding. But if I'm depressed, I watch it backwards.
- [Walter looks out at the audience]
- Walter: You get it? She walks away!
- Walter: Do you know what scares me now?
- Jeff Dunham: What?
- Walter: When my wife says "Does this thong make my ass look fat?".
- Jeff Dunham: You didn't answer that, right?
- Walter: I guess I shouldn't have.
- Jeff Dunham: What did you say?
- Walter: I asked her if it was a thong or if her ass grew over her panties.
- Jeff Dunham: That's terrible.
- Walter: Yeah, I probably should've stopped there.
- Jeff Dunham: What else did you say?
- Walter: I said, "No, the thong doesn't make your ass look fat, your fat ass makes your fat ass look fat. The thong is the victim."
- Jeff Dunham: Why are you telling me all of this?
- Walter: It's a horror show, right?
- Bubba J: I'm Count Beercula! And I drink Blood-weiser!
- [laughs]
- Jeff Dunham: Anything else?
- Bubba J: Yeah, I'm a white trash vampire.
- Jeff Dunham: How's that?
- Bubba J: My coffin has a gun rack.
- Jeff Dunham: Really?
- Bubba J: And I bit my cousin.
- Jeff Dunham: Good evening, Walter.
- Walter: [dressed as a Frankenstein-type monster] Do I look like Walter?
- Jeff Dunham: Well, you look like a Walter-Frankenstein.
- Walter: Well then, call me Crankenstein.
- Jeff Dunham: All right, Crankenstein, you look good.
- Walter: No, I don't! I look like a cross between Hillary Clinton and the Hulk!
- [pauses]
- Walter: No offense, Hulk.
- Jeff Dunham: You don't look like either one of them.
- Walter: Then I look like Gumby in a nursing home. How about that?
- [laughs]
- Walter: That would make you Pokey! Get it? You're an ass!
- Jeff Dunham: Your coffin has a gun rack?
- Bubba J: Everything I own has a gun rack. My gun rack has a gun rack. My coffee maker has a gun rack. My dishwasher has a gun rack.
- Jeff Dunham: Your dishwasher?
- Bubba J: Actually, I don't have a dishwasher.
- Jeff Dunham: Oh.
- Bubba J: My wife is my dishwasher, but she has a rack! I could rest my pistol there, if you know what I'm talking about. You know what I'm talking about? 'Cause I don't.
- Jeff Dunham: Look, do you really think "Batnut" scares criminals?
- Peanut: Of course! Especially if they have a nut allergy.
- Walter: The love changes when you get older.
- Jeff Dunham: How's that?
- Walter: Well, you go from wanting to make out in a car to wanting to run over each other with a car. You go from "I was struck by Cupid's arrow," to "Maybe she'll get hit by a frickin' Camaro." From "Hold me and love me," to "Kiss my ass and die, bitch."
- [opening lines]
- Achmed Jr.: Storm clouds gather, darkness prowls, / The moon shines fully as specters howl. / This scary house, this lonely road, / Revenge is coming, and best served cold. / Revenge on Jeff, who plays with dolls. / Revenge on Walter, who moans and scowls. / Peanut, José, shall know their place, / Like my awful father, who scarred my face. / One by one, they'll learn they're damned / To "Minding the Monsters" with Jeff Dun-HAM!
- [laughs evilly to a flash of lightning and a thunderclap]
- Peanut: I actually think I'm better than Batman.
- Jeff Dunham: How's that?
- Peanut: I have one extra power that he does not.
- Jeff Dunham: And that is...
- Peanut: Bat telepathy!
- Jeff Dunham: Bat telepathy?
- Peanut: Yes, it's like ES-Peanut. I have the ability to read your mind.
- Jeff Dunham: No, you...
- Peanut: ...DON'T!
- [nods]
- Jeff Dunham: Come on, that's...
- Peanut: ...ridiculous! It's like I knew what you were gonna say right when you did!
- Jeff Dunham: Well, of course you did, because...
- Peanut: ...I like to stare at Justin Bieber pictures and dream about being his secret girlfriend.
- Jeff Dunham: Now you're making stuff up.
- Peanut: Am I?
- Jeff Dunham: Yes, but I...
- Peanut: ...put honey in certain places for my little doggy to lick.
- Peanut: You know what scares José? A deep fryer and cheese up his ass.
- José Jalapeño on a Stick: I know someone else who has cheese up their ass.
- Peanut: Yeah, who?
- José Jalapeño on a Stick: Ask your mother.
- Jeff Dunham: All right!
- Jeff Dunham: You know, Walter, technically, you're not really Frankenstein.
- Walter: What?
- Jeff Dunham: Well, most people don't realize this, but the monster was the Monster, and Frankenstein was actually the doctor.
- Walter: Well, thank you, Professor Googles-Too-Fucking-Much! Yeah, you should tweet that. How about that? Then you can tweet, "I'm a huge dork! Frowny face, hashtag dumbass".
- Jeff Dunham: [to José, who is dressed as Batnut's sidekick, Ruben] So on Halloween, when you guys aren't Batnut and Ruben, do you go trick-or-treating?
- José Jalapeño on a Stick: Si. We go home to home.
- Jeff Dunham: Ah.
- Peanut: Unless he's out of work.
- Jeff Dunham: What?
- Peanut: Then he goes Home Depot to Home Depot.
- Jeff Dunham: [to Bubba J] You have hair.
- Bubba J: I know. It's a miracle! It's like an armpit grew on my head.
- Jeff Dunham: I'm not gonna be your butler.
- Peanut: Nutler!
- Jeff Dunham: Whatever! I'm not doing it.
- Peanut: Oh, it's not like you have anything else to do.
- Jeff Dunham: What does that mean?
- Peanut: Seriously, what do you do when the other guys and I aren't here? Walk around looking for other folks to stand next to?
- [nods]
- Peanut: You even already have a butler name.
- Jeff Dunham: What?
- Peanut: Dun-HAAAAAM!
- [British accent]
- Peanut: Oh, Dun-ham, bring me my tea. It's time to butter the scones.
- [normal voice]
- Peanut: I can even have a little bell. Ding ding!
- [British voice]
- Peanut: Jef-fa-fa! I want my scones.
- Jeff Dunham: I'm not taking orders from you.
- Peanut: You would if I did it in a voice.
- [low voice]
- Peanut: Jef-fa-fa! Time to polish the Nutarang. And please fluff the padding in my cup.
- Jeff Dunham: Why is Batman's voice like that anyway?
- Peanut: I don't know, suit's too tight?
- [strained voice]
- Peanut: This suit's a little tight, Alfred, it's kind of scrunching up the Dynamic Duo.
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: [dressed as a woman] So Jeffrey, do you like my hoochers?
- Jeff Dunham: That's, uh, "hooters".
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: You can call them whatever you want. You just have to buy me dinner first.
- [Jeff looks at Achmed's dress]
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Hey!
- [Jeff looks up at Achmed's face]
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: My eyes are up here! My hoochers do not talk. But of course, you could make them talk if you wanted to, couldn't you? Hell, you could make my voice come out of my vajayjay if you wanted to. Or as I call it, my terror cave!
- [looks out at audience]
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: AM I RIGHT, LADIES?
- Jeff Dunham: [talking about Frankenstein] Walter, you went from "Frankenstein" to "circumstision"... "-cision"...
- Walter: Focus! What the hell is "circumstision"? Sounds like something they cut out of the Constitution. Just the top part.
- Jeff Dunham: All right.
- Walter: Yeah, by the forefathers.
- Jeff Dunham: All right!
- Jeff Dunham: [to Peanut and José] As Batnut and Ruben, do you have an archenemy, some sort of villain?
- José Jalapeño on a Stick: Si, señor.
- Peanut: Oh yeah.
- Jeff Dunham: Really?
- Peanut: Yeah.
- Jeff Dunham: Can we see him?
- Peanut: You see him every day.
- Jeff Dunham: [confused] What?
- José Jalapeño on a Stick: [loudly] He said, "You see him every day"!
- Jeff Dunham: I heard him.
- José Jalapeño on a Stick: Then why did you say "What?"
- Jeff Dunham: What?
- Peanut: [yelling] He said, "Why did you say what?"
- Jeff Dunham: Why are you yelling?
- Peanut: Because you keep saying "what"!
- Peanut: [to José about Jeff, who keeps saying "What?"] He's getting old.
- Jeff Dunham: What?
- Peanut: See?
- José Jalapeño on a Stick: He said "What?" again.
- Peanut: It's downhill after 50.
- José Jalapeño on a Stick: He's been farting more now, too.
- Peanut: I know, old guys do that.
- Jeff Dunham: Excuse me!
- José Jalapeño on a Stick: I think he farted again.
- Peanut: At least he's polite.
- Jeff Dunham: You guys?
- Peanut: [loudly] Yes, Jeff?
- José Jalapeño on a Stick: It's okay to get old, señor.
- Peanut: It happens to everyone.
- José Jalapeño on a Stick: Unless you die first.
- Jeff Dunham: [Achmed is dressed like a woman] So, Achmed, why are you dressed like this?
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: You told me to dress like the scariest thing I could think of.
- Jeff Dunham: What are you?
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: I am a woman!
- Jeff Dunham: Just a woman?
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Worse, an *American* woman!
- [laughs evilly]
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: SILENCE! Impossible.
- Jeff Dunham: [to Walter] If you don't like the costume, then why'd you pick this one?
- Walter: We're supposed to dress as whatever scared us as a kid.
- Jeff Dunham: Oh, so for you, that was Frankenstein.
- Walter: Actually, it was a Catholic priest, but...
- [the audience cheers]
- Walter: But everybody gets mad when I offend the Mexicans.
- Jeff Dunham: What's so scary about an American woman?
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: They can vote.
- Jeff Dunham: Yeah, and they can drive.
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Not the Asian ones.
- Jeff Dunham: That is incredibly racist.
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Yet factually correct.
- Jeff Dunham: How do you know?
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: I learned it in Cosmo.
- Jeff Dunham: Cosmo?
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: I took the quiz.
- Jeff Dunham: The quiz?
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Yes, the quiz: "Are you a racist bitch?"
- Jeff Dunham: I see.
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: And guess what?
- Jeff Dunham: What?
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Ta-da!
- Jeff Dunham: So Bubba J, why do you choose to be a vampire?
- Bubba J: Well, we have a lot in common.
- Jeff Dunham: How's that?
- Bubba J: We both hang around with folks with red necks.
- Jeff Dunham: Makes sense.
- Bubba J: Yeah, and if you're a redneck vampire, you can only be killed by a silver mullet.
- [laughs]
- Bubba J: Or a chicken-fried stake through the heart.
- Jeff Dunham: Walter, are you ever happy?
- Walter: You should hope not.
- Jeff Dunham: Why?
- Walter: Can you imagine me coming here in a good mood? "Hi, everybody. I'm Walter, and life is peachy!" You'd be working at Starbucks in a fucking week.
- Jeff Dunham: [in response to being called a "middle-aged dumbass"] Middle-aged dumbass?
- Walter: Which part of that do you not like the most? "Middle-aged" or "dumbass"?
- Jeff Dunham: What do you think?
- Walter: Well, you're only as old as you feel, but "dumbass" is in the DNA.
- Jeff Dunham: So, Bubba J, are you Team Edward or Team Jacob?
- Bubba J: Oh-ho, I'm Team Jack Daniels. Yeah, I've seen those Twilight vampires. I'm not sure about that. That one main guy, he's got a six-pack.
- Jeff Dunham: Right.
- Bubba J: Yeah, big deal. I've got a keg.
- Jeff Dunham: [to Achmed] So what else scares you about American women?
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Besides everything? The money.
- Jeff Dunham: The money?
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: You marry an American women, and in no time, all your money for bombs is gone! She blows money on shoes, I have no money to blow up the Jews.
- [the audience laughs while Jeff stares at Achmed]
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Whaaat? I don't mean just the Jews, but it rhymes! "Shoes" and "Jews". I could've said, you know, "slacks" and "blacks". But "Jews" is funnier. And I like black folks. Oh, we white chicks love the black guys!
- Jeff Dunham: So, like Batman, do you have a signal in the sky to summon you?
- Peanut: Well, I've been trying to figure that out. First, I was gonna have a big bat in the sky, but then I thought, no, that's Batman. Then I thought, I know, I'll have one big nut in the sky. Then I thought, no, that's Lance Armstrong.
- Jeff Dunham: So, as a skeleton...
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: [gasps] What did you call me?
- Jeff Dunham: A skeleton.
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Oh, you're just trying to flatter me. I still need to lose ten more pounds.
- Jeff Dunham: You're all bones.
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: I know! EAT YOUR HEART OUT, ANGELINAAAAA! Seriously, eat something, anything, a fucking sandwich, whatever.
- Jeff Dunham: [relating a story from his childhood when cars had no seat belts] I would run around back there, and when my mother was driving, she would not pay any attention to me. My mother, still to this day, has a big, giant beehive hairdo. Pretty much Marge Simpson hair, but not the same color, you know what I'm saying? Looks like that. She also has these giant curlers she uses, and she put them all over her hair. And I remember standing in the backseat, and I would look at her hair, this big, giant beehive of hairdo, all held together with AquaNet. And these big, giant curlers would make these holes, which looked like caves to me. I imagined they were a maze of caves in her hair like this. I remember standing back there, staring at the hair, and then I looked over on the seat of the car and, oh, there's a little rubber, plastic spider, a black spider. This is all true. I took that black spider, and I put it right on the edge of one of the curls. Fantastic, looked great. I'm sitting there, looking at it, and I thought, nah, that's not good enough. I found a pencil. I took the pencil. She's not paying any attention. This is all true. Didn't know I was doing this. And I took that pencil and ever so gently pushed it back to the back of the curl, deep into the caves of curls. Gone! Four days later... I'm not kidding. Four days later, my bedroom was right next to my parents' bathroom. My mother would comb out of her hair about once a month. It was four days later, she's in the bathroom, combing out her hair. The bloodcurdling scream that came when that spider fell onto her lap was worth the beating I took later that night.
- [Jeff brought out Little Jeff, dressed in a green bodysuit with the letter L on it and wearing a mask that has a huge letter L on it; he is Batnut's archenemy]
- Peanut: Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you, the Loser!
- Little Jeff: [dramatically] I am the Loser!
- Jeff Dunham: Peanut?
- Peanut: Wait, wait! He has to say it again!
- Little Jeff: [dramatically] I am a Loser!
- Jeff Dunham: We got it. And why do you think this is funny?
- Peanut: He's a loser!
- José Jalapeño on a Stick: [from inside the box] Maybe it's you, señor.
- Jeff Dunham: I know that.
- Peanut: Yeah, it's Dunham and Dunham-er!
- Little Jeff: [dramatically] We are the Losers!
- Jeff Dunham: [to Achmed, dressed as a woman] So what size dress is that?
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: [gasps] You never ask a woman that! But if you must know, I am now a size zero.
- Jeff Dunham: How'd you get down to a size zero?
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: My weight loss program, suicide bombing...
- Jeff Dunham: What?
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: I lost 200 pounds in 0.2 seconds. Now I can eat whatever I want. Seriously, it goes right through me. Give me a cheeseburger and a bucket.
- Walter: Frankenstein. Sounds like a Jewish name. You think Dr. Frankenstein was Jewish?
- Jeff Dunham: I don't know.
- Walter: That would explain a lot.
- Jeff Dunham: Why is that?
- Walter: He was digging up used body parts.
- Jeff Dunham: Right.
- Walter: Probably to save money.
- [looks out at audience]
- Walter: Oh, tell me I'm wrong! Yeah, that's it, he was Jewish! And that explains why his monster was angry all the time.
- Jeff Dunham: Why?
- Walter: Because he circumcised the poor bastard! Now that changes the movie completely. He's killing the villagers because he's deranged! No, he's not, his wiener hurts! And, it was somebody else's. You know, if I were really that monster, wherever the doctor was digging up parts, eh, I'd hope that cemetery had one dead black guy and no Asians.
- [nods as the audience laughs]
- Walter: That's right, I did a racist wiener joke. Happy frickin' Hallow-wiener.
- Jeff Dunham: Bubba J, I was wondering something.
- Bubba J: Yeah, that happens to me a lot, too.
- Jeff Dunham: What I was going to say is, what happens if a vampire drinks the blood of an alcoholic?
- Bubba J: [gasps] That's genius! I got a blood alcohol level of 3.4. I should bite myself! Wait, if I do that, will I go blind?
- [the audience laughs]
- Jeff Dunham: No.
- Bubba J: Oh, yeah, that's something else, isn't it? Yeah, okay, no, no.
- Jeff Dunham: But that's a pretty high blood alcohol level.
- Bubba J: Yeah, drink too much of my blood, and you'll end up going home with an ugly chick with a lazy eye. And you won't even realize she's a he!
- Jeff Dunham: [to José, who is dressed as Batnut's sidekick Ruben] So, uh, Ruben, are you a fan of Batman and Robin?
- José Jalapeño on a Stick: No.
- Jeff Dunham: Then why are you dressed like this?
- José Jalapeño on a Stick: Señor Peanut put these clothes on me.
- [Peanut nods]
- José Jalapeño on a Stick: I could not stop him.
- Jeff Dunham: Why couldn't you stop him?
- Peanut: [amused] He doesn't have any arms!
- [laughs silently]
- Jeff Dunham: [to Peanut] So, do you have any weapons?
- Peanut: Of course! Batman has the Batarang; I have the Nutarang!
- Jeff Dunham: The Nutarang?
- Peanut: Yes, it does exactly what you think it does. But when it comes back, I don't wanna catch it. And I have two of them! I call them the Dynamic Duo! And I keep them near the Batpole!
- Jeff Dunham: Are you finished?
- Peanut: Yes! No more double entendres!
- Jeff Dunham: [nods] Thank you.
- Peanut: Until the next one!
- Jeff Dunham: Peanut!
- Peanut: Don't get testicle!
- Jeff Dunham: Oh, come on!
- Jeff Dunham: [to Achmed] Do you like scary movies?
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Oh, yes. My favorites are "I Know What You Did Last Ramadan", "Dr. Jekyll and Hide or We'll All Be Killed!", but my favorite is "SILENCE! Of the Lambs". And thank God they are silent. Oh, if the lambs could talk...
- Jeff Dunham: Achmed, could we please stop with the sheep jokes? There's children watching.
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Really?
- Jeff Dunham: Right.
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Then it's time for the talk.
- Jeff Dunham: What?
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: When a man and a sheep love each other very much...
- Jeff Dunham: Will you stop it?
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: That's what the sheep always say. That's why you have to go with a lamb; they're silent.
- Jeff Dunham: What about life after death?
- Walter: Huh?
- Jeff Dunham: Some people think that even after death, you're still together for all of eternity.
- Walter: I'm pretty sure you just told me to go to hell.
- Jeff Dunham: You know, Bubba J, you kinda look like the Count on "Sesame Street".
- Bubba J: Oh. That's the vampire that knows how to count, right?
- Jeff Dunham: Yeah.
- Bubba J: That's where he and I are different.
- Jeff Dunham: So how high can you count?
- Bubba J: Six. When I buy a 12-pack, I just have to trust 'em.
- Jeff Dunham: Well, you can just buy two six-packs.
- Bubba J: [whimpers] I think I hurt my brain.
- Jeff Dunham: Are there any Batman villains that frighten you?
- Peanut: Oh yeah.
- Jeff Dunham: Which one?
- Peanut: The clown that dresses weird and wears too much makeup.
- Jeff Dunham: Right.
- Peanut: So any of the Orange County Housewives.
- Jeff Dunham: [to José as Ruben] As Batnut's sidekick, do you have any responsibilities?
- José Jalapeño on a Stick: No.
- Jeff Dunham: Nothing? You don't even drive a car?
- José Jalapeño on a Stick: No.
- Peanut: That would be stick on stick. And that's illegal in some states.
Contribute to this page
Suggest an edit or add missing content
Top Gap
By what name was Jeff Dunham: Minding the Monsters (2012) officially released in Canada in English?
Answer