Jack the Giant Killer

While "The Ass-ylum" has become synonymous with poor quality film making and "Mockbusters" they really have plumbed the depths of crassness with this latest offering, their take on the "Jack and the beanstalk" story...

If you consider turning bad movies into drinking games please leave this one alone, you will be blind drunk before you get half way through this shambolic garbage...

What time period is this set in? You have modern helicopters and yet the police where Georgian uniforms, the army wear Dad's Army uniform cast offs and the absolute mismatch of props (Old Browning Camera Antiques et al) looks like they bought any old TAT from car boot sales in order to get props for this carbuncular waste of celluloid...

These people cannot even blame budget as an excuse, plenty of film makers have made much better and more entertaining movies with barely anything and as for the uniform gaffs fancy dress shops will hire out more convincing police uniforms...

As for the acting quality the amateur dramatic society known as "The Ass-ylum" somehow managed to cajole Ben Cross (Who in his time has done some real stinkers) into taking part in this debacle, I can only think that the negatives will be in the post Ben because I can only imagine that blackmail forced you into taking part in this monumentally bad garbage (I am sure your work on Banshee pays the bills)...

The rest of the cast are so cartoon like in their acting (Not that the cajoled Ben Cross is any better) that I have trouble wondering how the hell they got their "Equity Cards" to perform this steaming pile, maybe they are now handing out equity cards in cereal packets now?

this movie would turn every atheist like me to rediscover religion. why? because when i watched it, i couldn't help repeatedly murmuring (actually cursing?) with lot of religious words that only the die-hard church goers would recite faithfully before and in front of every sentence: OMG....oh my god, Jesus...., oh, my lord....oh, lord of mercy...." these words i usually warned myself not to blur out under any circumstance, just wanted to enforce my disbelief of god or gods in plural form. what the bible, the preachers, the reverends or any religion pitching con artist failed to turn me around, this movie succeeded without any difficulty. omg (here's another one repeated helplessly), i rarely saw anything worse than this movie, jack the giant killer was not a giant killer but a metal junkyard welder. he welded a primitive horrible awkward manual robot in the barn and that crappy giant welded together junk could use its hand gun to burst hell fire. this film somehow also might get an Oscar for its naivety, its shallow original script and the worst and most terrible actors, the awkwardness simply surpasses any movie now playing on the screen. i rest my case.

Well, this movie was nothing at all what I had expected it to be. I had expected somewhat of a new interpretation of the classic tale of Jack and the bean stalk, but alas, that was not to be.

This is a story that borrows heavily from that story yes, but it does so in a very nonchalant way. It does however, pardon my French, manage to butcher up the entire story and try to put a weird, modern twist to it. But it just failed in every aspect.

The story ends up being a very broken apart set of fragments that doesn't really add up to a greater picture or unity. You just sit there wondering how this could come to be.

Mind you, that this is a The Asylum production, so that is a clear warning sign right there. I wasn't aware of that prior to obtaining the movie, and had I known, I wouldn't have wasted time or money on it. This is by far one of the more questionable movies from The Asylum that I have seen so far.

The CGI effects in the movie were quite bad, especially the big dinosaur-like creatures. They were just laughable. I will say that the floating brick building was actually quite nicely made, so thumbs up for that at least.

As for the acting, well there was nothing exceptional or mentionable here, and not even Ben Cross could manage to lift up anything in this particular movie.

This movie was definitely not meant for me as the audience, and it was a very strained ordeal to get through it. I ended up picking up my phone and playing some game during it as well, as I sort of lost interest in the storyline, which wasn't particularly solid to begin with, but I did manage to finish the movie. However, what would appeal to anyone in this movie is hard for me to put my finger upon; perhaps if you are a die-hard fan of anyone in the movie, but other than that, I just don't see the appeal.

What a sad state of affairs when Asylum (the makers of this sad little tale) throws out garbage like this with a cast of people who aren't even trained in the art of acting. Wow, they must have taken the directors wife and kid hostage to make him do it. One consolation, this film of inferior quality should only have taken a couple of weeks to throw together so no real harm done.

The story starts of with some Real Steal rip off material as Jack is fixing his robot (I know, lol...I don't remember Aliens style robots in any other version of Jack...Beanstalk before!) while struggling to say his lines and use his hands at the same time. lol yes, I remembered a classic bit of acting when we first see the ridiculous beanstalk in a field. There is a cop standing there with a very small crowd of people and he's right in front of them saying "nothing to see here, move along", I was like WTF! Nothing to see? Also the way he was holding this crowd of 4 people back was stupid. They are in a field and can stand anywhere but chose to all squeeze in front of the only cop there. Another thing is, when Jack gets nabbed by the tree branch thing and gets taken up in front of everyone. Not one person seems to notice it happening!! Garbage, garbage, garbage.

I don't do the "this is the worst film ever" speech because it's cliché and rarely true. I have to say though, it's damn close. The acting is atrocious, the editing looks like it was done by a crack addict badly needing a fix and the music, the mf'king music! Where in the hell did they dig it up from? It sounded a bit like those,(I'm not too sure of the name) Stylaphone? Is that the thing Rolf Harris used to advertise? Well, it sounded like that.

Not a film to be watched, even if your bored, drunk, high, low...in fact...just don't watch it. I did and I'm still queasy.

Nope, it is not that good either.

The worst acting, SFX, story and overall film I have ever seen.

As others have said there is no actual time frame that it sits in, I was thinking 1950's but the uniforms and cars are wrong.

I don't know how much it cost to make but sometimes giving to charity is the right thing to do.

I just don't get it at all, there are no giants in it or did I miss them, there are dinosaurs though that people ride. When I say ride, the main villain if she can be called that was apparently riding a dinosaur at certain points (I say apparently because we only see her riding "Something", she looked like she enjoyed it anyway no matter what it was, which is nice).