- Andre Allen: A lot of people don't like dates. It's like, "I hate dating. I hate dating."
- Andre Allen: I like dates. Dates are cool.
- Andre Allen: 'Cause a date means someone is considering fucking you.
- Andre Allen: They have to, like, ponder it. It's just...
- Andre Allen: Anybody you can eat with, you might have a chance of fucking.
- Andre Allen: So, and they're just pondering fucking you.
- Andre Allen: They're weighing it in their head. They're going...
- Andre Allen: Girls are going, "His dick, my mouth. I wonder."
- Andre Allen: And even if it doesn't happen, you just feel... I feel good.
- Andre Allen: I mean, any day somebody thinks about fucking you is a good day.
- Andre Allen: You coming to the party right?
- Carl: Some people got to work. I'll tell you what. I'll come to your next bachelor party.
- Andre Allen: That's not funny man.
- Carl: Tell me somethin'. Your next wife, she gonna be white or she gonna be asian?
- Andre Allen: It's still not funny man.
- Carl: Oh, it's only funny when you say mean shit. Right?
- Andre Allen: I am telling you, everything means something.
- Chelsea Brown: No everything does not mean something. Okay, sometimes a movie is just a movie. Sometimes a song is just a song. Sometimes a joke is just a joke. Remember those, jokes?
- Andre Allen: When I listen to satellite radio, I listen to Sirius hits One.
- XM Employee: That's good, but just, just make it a little funnier.
- Andre Allen: Funnier?
- XM Employee: Put a little stank on it.
- Andre Allen: Stank?
- XM Employee: Nice and funny, go.
- Andre Allen: What's up, motherfuckers? This is motherfucking Andre Allen! When I listen to satellite radio, or scratch my nuts, that is, I listen to Sirius motherfucking 101... bee-otch!
- XM Employee: First take was good. I was wrong on the stank, though.