- Jeffrey Ross: When Jonah's agent told him that Quentin Tarantino wanted him to be in a spaghetti western, Jonah was like, "You had me at spaghetti."
- Aziz Ansari: So many gay jokes tonight about Franco. Apparently if you're clean, well dressed and mildly cultured, you're super gay now. Is that why the rest of you guys are so aggressively fat and dirty? You think if you read one book and take a shower, dicks are going to just fly into your face.
- Sarah Silverman: I don't think James Franco is necessarily gay or straight. I think he literally can't open his eyes enough to see who he's fucking.
- Sarah Silverman: Right before the show started, Seth rolled a gigantic fatty... because that was the only way we could get Jonah Hill onto the stage.
- Jeffrey Ross: Jonah almost couldn't make it tonight because he had trouble finding a tuxedo that changes sizes every three hours.
- Natasha Leggero: Kim Kardashian is here, oh that's Aziz, sorry. I get them confused because they're both brown narcissists that ride Kanye's dick.
- King of Hollywood: [about The Guilt Trip] Listen, if I wanted to watch two ugly Jews weaving through traffic, I'd watch Seinfeld's web series.
- Natasha Leggero: James Franco, acting, teaching, directing, writing, producing, photography, soundtracks, editing - is there anything you can do?
- Nick Kroll: Many of you might not know that Seth has a writing and directing partner named Evan Goldberg. What does this other guy look like that you're the face of the operation? I assume he's like a sweaty Orthodox Jew eating a pastrami sandwich, and he said "I did nine dick jokes on page four, and I was thinking that the guys are friends, and then they're not friends, and at the end of the movie, they're friends again."
- Seth Rogen - Roastmaster: We're here for James to live out one of his sexual fantasies: to have a room full of his friends shit all over him.
- Natasha Leggero: Jonah Hill was born and raised in Hollywood, and you can tell - he's a name-dropper with big tits and an eating disorder.
- Sarah Silverman: I can't tell if this is the dais or the line to suck Judd Apatow's balls. This dais is so Jewey. What is this, the Comedy Central audit of James Franco?
- Jeffrey Ross: You know, Franco, personally I don't care if you fuck guys or fuck girls. All I know is you fucked me out of twelve bucks when I went to see that "Wizard of Oz" movie.
- Self - Roaster: You know, you always hear George Clooney and other big movie stars saying, "My philosophy on making movies is 'one for them and one for me.'" But not my guy James. Not my boy James! James is a rebel. He has his own philosophy on this. "One for them, five for nobody."