Jurassic World: Rebirth

I'm genuinely furious. This film is a full-on disaster for common sense. Everything is absurdly stupid - from the script to the characters' behavior.

There's hardly any plot to speak of. Instead of a coherent story, we get a pathetic excuse for intrigue - something about "collecting blood samples." The rest is just empty space, disconnected scenes, and aimless noise. It feels like the writers just gave up, hoping that big names and dinosaurs would carry the film.

But even the dinosaurs are missing. What we get instead are grotesque mutant creatures that inspire neither fear nor awe - only disgust. Where's the grandeur of the ancient world? Where's the spirit of adventure? Everything is drowned in a CGI mess.

And let's not forget the behavior of the main characters. It's not just stupid - it's insulting. It feels like they're competing to see who can make the dumbest decision every minute. Watching it is physically painful.

And then there's the architecture and technology. Are you kidding me? You're on an island full of predators, and everything makes noise - doors bang, systems whir, everything clatters. It's as if the designers intentionally made it easier for dinosaurs to find and eat everyone. Total nonsense.

In conclusion: this film is hollow, annoying, and completely disrespectful to the audience. No plot, no sensible characters, no proper dinosaurs. Just noise, stupidity, and monstrosities. A "rebirth"... into something much, much worse.

Honestly, the first half felt all over the place - too much talking, too many introductions, and pacing that dragged. But once they hit the island, it got better: dinosaur action scenes were intense and visual effects impressive, especially that river chase and cliff sequence.

Scarlett Johansson and Jonathan Bailey were solid, with Bailey bringing unexpected charm despite some forced emotional lines. The movie leans heavily on spectacle and nostalgia, yet the human characters felt shallow and underwritten - I never truly cared about them.

It's entertaining as a summer blockbuster if you just want dinosaur chaos, but it lacks depth. Still, worth the watch for the action and visuals.

I didn't go in with very high expectations, but this still should have been better considering David Koepp was returning as a writer and Gareth Edwards is a good choice for director. I even liked his 2014 Godzilla movie more than most people, so I am far from a hater.

I'll break this down into three pros and cons to keep this short.

Pros:

1) There are dinosaurs.

2) Some great location photography, especially in Thailand.

3) There are a couple of great moments of grandeur, although the best one for me (revealing a herd in a valley) relies on a lot of nostalgia farming. Still, it's effective. There's also a sequence with a raft that feels like Spielberg could have directed it, in a good way.

Cons:

1) The script is bad. Lots of exposition, despite the fact that the plot is very simplistic. Some of the characters are annoying. Everything is very predictable, to the point that there's really not a single surprise. There's little tension or sense of danger or even mystery.

2) The cast. Most of them seem to be here to collect a paycheck. Scarlett Johansson seems a little miscast for the character she's playing, though I'd still primarily blame the writing rather than her performance. Jonathan Bailey is a non-entity. Mahershala Ali is wasted. None of these characters are memorable. The best character is probably a tiny dinosaur they meet along the way that gets a few easy "aww" moments. It's cheap, but it works.

3) The special effects. As far as I could tell, the dinosaurs are 100% CGI (or close to it). Dominion was far from good but the mix of practical and CGI effects was nice to see, and a step in the right direction. I was hoping for more of that here, especially since there are several opportunities for practical effects once they get on the island. Everything looks artificial. It's also one of those movies where despite the great location photography, some of the environments still look really fake.

Anyway... the last three movies in this franchise have all been pretty bad. I don't expect something on par with the first Jurassic Park, but I think we could do a little better than this!

5/10.

Five years after the mess that was Jurassic World: Dominion (2022), we're back in the land of toothy nostalgia. This time, an expedition heads into remote equatorial regions to extract DNA from three colossal prehistoric creatures in the name of a "groundbreaking medical breakthrough."

Chris Pratt and Bryce Dallas Howard are mercifully gone (finally), and in their place we get Scarlett Johansson, stepping in as the new face of the franchise for round seven of the Jurassic Park/World saga. Gareth Edwards takes the director's chair, and while he's always known how to stage a good spectacle, even his talents can't fully save this dino-soaked popcorn flick.

Let's talk visuals. There's certainly no shortage of giant set pieces and dinosaur mayhem-but when your dinosaurs look like glossy, overcooked cartoon rejects, all the action in the world can't make it feel real. Hollywood still hasn't learned that audiences are burnt out on soulless green-screen overloads, and the actors, forced to react to nothing, stumble through half-baked expressions of terror. You can practically see them wondering where the tennis ball on a stick went.

Character-wise, it's a wash. Most of them are either grating or entirely forgettable, spouting cringey, rapid-fire dialogue that exists solely to shuttle us from one set piece to the next. And while Rebirth does manage to attempt something new and different, it still feels like we're just circling the same prehistoric drain. It's entertaining, sure-but it just isn't that exciting.

That said, it's still a step up from Fallen Kingdom and Dominion, which isn't saying much, but at least it's something. At this point, though, it's time Universal grew a pair and gave us the R-rated, blood-splattered dinosaur horror epic we deserve-because the stakes never feel high when your carnivores are sanitized for mass consumption.

Here's hoping the next one finally evolves. But I'm not holding my breath. It's best to turn your brain off and enjoy this one for what it is.

6/10.

I wish I could take a previous review for a Jurassic park clone and insert it here to get across the effort the studio is putting into these now. It's just a cheap cash in for some money. Very boring and predictable. The CGI actually looked worse than the 1993 movie. How is that even possible you ask? By just having gratuitous CGI constantly. It just looks bad and I'm actually depressed after watching this. Something about it all just felt cynical and like it somehow ruined my love of the original a little bit. With that said, this is the last ride for me on this franchise. It hasn't been good for decades as I look back and think about these films.