- Abraham Simkin: It's a privilege to walk in another man's shoes, Max, but it's also a responsibility.
- Max Simkin: Hey, Ma, let me ask you somethin'. You ever wish you were somebody else?
- Sarah Simkin: No. I'm your mother. That's all I ever wanted to be.
- Max Simkin: But... if you could do whatever you wanted to do, what would it be?
- Sarah Simkin: Um... Have dinner with your father. That would be nice.
- Jimmy: I was always telling your pop he should sell this crap and make some money, but he can never throw anything away.
- Max Simkin: Yeah, except his family.
- Abraham Simkin: You know, barbers have always been very trusted friends to us. We never have to worry about them.
- Max Simkin: Uh, who do we have to worry about?
- Abraham Simkin: Dry cleaners.
- Max Simkin: Dry cleaners? Really?
- Abraham Simkin: They're not nice fellas, and they're very powerful.
- [last lines]
- Abraham Simkin: Tomorrow we'll sit down with the stitcher. I'll show you everything.
- Max Simkin: Oh, man, that thing is great, Pop. Where-where did we get it?
- Abraham Simkin: The stitcher? Oh, that's a good story, actually. A long time ago, on the coldest of winter nights, a vagrant came knocking at the door of our shop. Your great-great-grandfather gave him shelter when no one else would. He fed the man, mended his shoes... In the morning, the vagrant...
- Max Simkin: [Wearing a female customer's shoes] I'm a lady.
- Max Simkin: [Feeling down his pants] No I'm not!
- Carmen Herrara: I'm delivering groceries to one of our elderly neighbors.
- Max Simkin: All by yourself?
- Carmen Herrara: Yeah, Max, I'm a bad ass.
- Carmen Herrara: How did you hear all of this.
- Max Simkin: I heard it. I... Look, I have a special ability to see and hear stuff I shouldn't.