Private Princess Christmas

It's a tale as old as time. A princess fails to train her Christmas tree-sniffing goat properly and gets sent to an American bootcamp for entitled people in order to prove that one day she can become queen. I mean, gee-whiz, again?!

Let's give Private Princess Christmas credit for the most ridiculous premise of the year, but not much else in this fish-out-of-water tale that is not royal in any way.

Wingravia's Princess Violet (Ali Skovbye) is the only daughter of the queen who might inherit the throne in this make believe Eastern European country of glaringly fake British accents. According to the queen, she needs some work to get the promotion. The queen finds a 10-day military boot camp in the US, that should do the trick.

The camp is littered with a crypto bro, an arrogant football player, the daughter of a rich guy and some other people whose story's just didn't land. Ryan (Derek Klena) runs the camp after rejoining the Army (maybe?) or just teaching. It's pretty loosey-goosey on the details and nobody is heading off to war after bootcamp.

As expected, our entitled princess tries to fake and cheat her way through the tests, but ends up revealing a heart of gold and some great American Sign Language skills.

We're light on love, heavy on fake accents and camo.

Cast Kudos: Tanja Dixon-Warren, who played Squibby and was apparently the only other employee of this elite camp. She was believable in her role and deserved her own story! Justice for Squibby!

Measuring Christmas Magic: None. Zip.

Alternative Movie Titles: First, let's discuss the title we got. Boo. No. Private Princess, sounds like a shy princess, not what I suspected they were going for-Private Benjamin. There was nearly no Christmas, so putting it in the title is court marshall worthy. Alternative titles: Princess Bootcamp Holiday; A royal salute Holiday; Bootcamp for Entitled People.

Retired Army officer checking in here. 29 years in one active or reserve component of either the US Air Force or US Army. I saw the promos and thought the idea had potential. The last few years before retiring from the Army, I worked with high school-level Junior ROTC cadets from a poor urban school district, and they had a lot of the same issues as the "adult" trainees in this movie regarding self-discipline. I thought this had the potential for a great storyline. Then I watched it fall flat on its face!

To use the words of General George S. Patton, "The bilious b------s who wrote that stuff... don't know anything more about {the military} than they do about f--- ing! (And yes, George C. Scott said "fornicating" in his title role in the 1970 movie PATTON, but the real Patton used the REAL F-word!)

It became painfully obvious that nobody involved with the production of this movie ever served in either the US or Canadian armed forces. All they know about military training is the same tired old cliches from watching other movies written by other bilious b------s who don't know either.

A TEN day boot camp? A Junior ROTC summer camp lasts only one or two days more than that, but every cadet attending has had at least a year of classroom instruction before that to prep them in the basics of military customs and courtesies and drill and ceremonies to optimize the use of that time. Every minute is used for a training activity from Reveille (wake-up call) to Lights Out (bedtime). You don't just lollygag and shoot the breeze and argue with the instructors. No activity is optional. Real active military basic training for raw recruits fresh off the streets takes several weeks even for those branches with the least training.

The writers have no concept of military rank structure or command relationships. The things that happened between the Princess and the Captain would never happen in that situation in real life without both of them getting dismissed from the camp and the Captain facing further disciplinary action. This review would probably be twice as long if I were masochistic enough to rewatch the movie and itemize each and every goof and flaw. Let me just say that I can't name anything they got right.

Hallmark has made more than its share of military and veteran themed movies and most of them are decent if not pretty good. I'll go so far as to say that this movie could've been salvaged or even made pretty good with a competent military technical advisor. Heck, if I had a DeLorean with a Flux Capacitor, I'd go back in time and take that job at Scale salary (or even free if allowed by law) just to keep it from becoming the train wreck it turned out to be!

This is a good example of a Hallmark Christmas movie that is so off-the-wall and contrived that you wonder just why it was even made. The premise and the script are so ridiculous that there was no way that the movie could be salvaged.

Plus, there is very little having to do with Christmas here. Most of the characters are irritating, particularly the Queen (I guess she has no other name besides Mother) as played by an almost unrecognizable Erica Durance, who usually is wonderful in her movies - check her out in "Ms. Christmas Comes To Town." Why she took on this thankless role is beyond me.

The only saving grace is Tanja Dixon-Warren as Squibby.

She lets her hair down and adds some spark to the otherwise lackluster proceedings in this turkey.

I can understand why military-related viewers are very negative in their reviews of this film - but, really, you guys, what did you expect in a movie about a 10 day boot camp to toughen up a next-in-line Queen ?

Don't take that plot line seriously under any circumstances !

I watched this because I'm a sucker for princess movies. This one was such a let-down, even for a Hallmark movie. The acting was mediocre, - and yes, I know Hallmark movies aren't know for award winning acting, but this one was bad. Derek Klena was in no way convincing as a tough guy in charge of cadets. Ali Skovbye was a little more believable, but not much. British accents (or whatever they were supposed to be) seemed fake - I don't think many of them were authentic. Erica Durance as the queen seemed too young for the role. Watch this movie if you have nothing else to watch or, if me, you just like princess movies, but be prepared - it's not Cinderella.

If there was a negative rating, this movie certainly deserves it. I'll keep it succinct- terrible script,horrible acting, has no redeeming qualities. I actually watched as I think reviews deserve at least a look. Do NOT WATCH. It is pathetically awful. The writers could have done at least some research. The actor playing Ryan has a Tony nomination-which in itself is unbelievable given this performance.

The characters are all poorly written and the actors are poorly directed. The accents are embarrassing. The place names are just stupid.

I repeat: DO NOT BOTHER WATCHING. You can never have those hours back.