Quotes

What We Do in the Shadows

Deacon: I think we drink virgin blood because it sounds cool.
Vladislav: I think of it like this. If you are going to eat a sandwich, you would just enjoy it more if you knew no one had fucked it.

Viago: Yeah some of our clothes are from victims. You might bite someone and then, you think, 'Oooh, those are some nice pants!'.

Deacon: One day I was selling my wares, and I walked past this old, creepy castle, and I look at it and think, "'Very old and creepy". And then this creature flies at me! It dragged me back to this dark dungeon, and bit into my neck. And just at the point of death... this creature forced me to suck its foul blood. And then it opened it's wings, like this, and hovered above me screeching, "Now... You are vampire!" And it was Petyr. And we're still friends today.

Viago: Some people freak out a bit about the age difference. They think, "What's this 96-year-old lady doing with a guy four times her age?"

Stu: I work for a company that... Basically, we take like business requirements from organizations, then we analyze those requirements, and then we build software to fit those requirements.
Pauline Ivanovich, The Beast: He is a virgin. He is a virgin!
Vampire Witch: I can smell a virgin from a thousand paces.
Deacon: Go on then. Go a thousand paces away and smell yourselves!

Viago: I really hope that those guys don't kill those police, because it will mean more police will come. Possibly even Christians, which is totally the last thing we need in this house.

Vladislav: You will not eat Stu and you will not eat the camera guy... Maybe one camera guy.

Viago: I went in the lounge the other day and there was blood all over my nice antique couch.
Vladislav: Which one? The red one?
Viago: Well it's red now, yeah.

Stu: [browsing the Internet] If we push "images" then we can see pictures of virgins.
Vladislav, Viago, Deacon: Oh yes.
Vladislav: I don't think she's a virgin if she's doing that.

Pauline Ivanovich, The Beast: You've got really warm hands, Stu. Are you a demon?
Viago: No, he's not a demon.
Stu: I'm a software analyst.

Deacon: The neighbors can see you flying around the house. You want to draw attention to this house, hm?
Nick: You've got a whole documentary crew following you around.

Deacon: This is what happens when you're a vampire. You have to watch everyone die. Your mother and father. All your friends. Sometimes brutal, like slipping and falling onto a giant spike. Or falling asleep in an autumn pile of leaves and having some of them block your windpipe. Or making the simple mistake of fashioning a mask out of crackers and being attacked by ducks, geese, swans. Or simply dying of old age. But even old age is brutal. Watching your friends grow old. They can't piss, and they say stupid things, and their brains go, and they can't remember anything. And then one day they can't even remember who you are, and you wish they were dead, and then they do die. No, if I know Stu, this was probably the way he wanted to go. Disembowelled by werewolves. Blood and guts splayed onto the trees. His face torn to shreds.
[pause]
Deacon: I hope I made you feel better.

Deacon: [as the cops leave the basement] Wait, let's kill them.
Viago: No!
Vladislav: Well let's just see what other safety points they have... and then maybe we'll kill them.

Viago: [to Petyr] I was thinking, maybe... I just should bring a broom down here for you, if you wanted to sweep up some of the skeletons.

Deacon: I am doing an erotic dance for my friends, and you ruined it. I was in the zone, my friends were loving it.

Viago: Coming into town, um, is really cool because, just for one brief moment, I feel...
Teenager: Homos!

Viago: They say that vampires' hearts are cold and dead. Definitely dead. But I don't know. I think I still feel things inside it.

Suggest an edit or add missing content