Don't Fuck in the Woods

A group of twenty-something wastrels go camping in the woods, where they spend their time gassing, smoking weed, drinking beer, and, of course, f**king. What they don't realise, until it is too late, is that the area where they have set up camp is home to a bipedal lizard monster that doesn't take kindly to people humping in the woods.

With such a brazen title, one might reasonably expect this film to be a bold, tongue-in-cheek, trashy horror flick that isn't afraid to deliver an excess of those essential genre ingredients, sex and gore, and that is precisely what writer/director Shawn Burkett strives to deliver, even so far as to getting a genuine pornstar, Nadia White, to take part in his shenanigans. However, a serious lack of both talent and budget results in a tedious film that fails on almost every level. The softcore sex and nudity is plentiful, but unappealing (unless, of course, you particularly like to see skeezy, out of shape, heavily tattooed types bumping uglies), the gore is strictly amateur hour, the acting is barely passable, and the less said about the film's creature the better. Don't F**k In The Woods also features lots of dull conversation that makes the film drag, even at a scant running time of only 73 minutes, and finishes with an inept imitation of Arnie classic Predator (which is referenced earlier in the film).

To finish on more positive note, some of the camera-work is pretty decent for a low budget independent horror, with some especially impressive aerial shots.

As the title may suggest, this is about a monster/creature that kills you if you have sex in the woods. No subtext, twist or anything else. The acting is okay, the effects are okay, the script is okay.

All that is irrelevant because people will watch this for the nudity and sex. Most of the actresses get naked or at least show their breasts. There is straight and lesbian sex. There is sex from the very start. The title meets expectations.

I watched the film purely because with a title like that, how can you refuse? I wouldn't watch it with your Gran. I wouldn't watch it if you like films that you can think about and discuss later. Its a bit of fun and titillation (with a capital T).

I had to give it one star because zero isn't an option. I really don't know what to say, that hasn't already been covered by the other reviewers other than, this movie left me with a lot of unanswered questions. Such as: Who the hell makes these films? Why? How? Surely the production cost outweighs the incoming revenue? Who signs off on it's production? Are they proud of their work? Do they have any concept of shame? Is it an inside joke nobody gets the punchline to? Who are these humans? Are they some bored affluent people taking the Micky out of Hollywood? Are they even human? The list really does go on. The mystery will forever baffle me. Yet oddly depresses me too.

With all due respect to Nadia White (I'm a fan of your other work) I didn't think sitting down to watch this movie that I'm about about to see the next Exorcist, Halloween, Saw or Silence Of Lambs. I mean the title is called Don't F*** In The Woods of course it's gonna be bad. Other than White, I've never seen or heard of anybody else in this movie. The movie is exactly what I thought it would be, a movie with bad acting, bad graphics (monster) bad script, with some funny dialogue and lots of skin. The only thing that surprises me that is relevant to this film is the amount of hate it's getting on IMBd. People, if you're looking for a good horror movie, don't watch something with expletive in the name of the film.

You have to admit, a title like this is hard to live up to. I am not even hard to please. I love low budget and even micro-budget cinema. The issue is, with all the hype online, the fact that it played Film festivals where other movies were shut out and the good reviews, I expected it to be a fun, wild ride. I was happy it wasn't a slasher film as that would be too expected. But the Creature in this Feature is a guy in trash bags with a Halloween mask from Spirit that has been doctored. And I could even forgive THAT if the film were more fun. The story is the same old retread "Group of jerks in the woods." Talky to the extreme, the 73 minute running time feels like 2 plus hours. And the online reviews obviously must be friends with the director. It's basically his show here as his name is pretty much every credit. We get that it's a Shawn Birkett film, how can we not? Just on the DVD box his name appears no less than 8 times in a small block of credits, not to mention the actual film.

After all that hype and the Film Fests and the rave reviews from these so-called Horror sites, this just simply wasn't the film ANY of them described. I guess that is the problem I am having. I have seen these same reviewers attack films I like for bad acting or pacing issues and pretty much all that I found wrong here, yet they acted like this film was simply perfect. So when I watched the film, it actually hurt. Had I not read that stuff. I probably would not feel so disappointed. As it stands, I gave it a 3 for effort, but execution was lacking. They just announced a sequel. That was another reason I rushed out and got a copy. But why make a sequel to a film like this one? A great title does not mean a great time at the movies.

There are some good things about the film, some of the cast tries very hard while others almost derail the film entirely. The technical aspects are all pretty decent. I can hear what everyone says for the most part and the dark woods scenes are lit well enough to see most of what is happening. Many of these micro-budget movies don't get that right so I am happy about that. Music was OK, but forgettable. I am hoping things improve for the sequel, as I really liked the "Last Girl" in this one and hope she comes back for part 2. But I think I'll wait until I can get it free on Amazon for that one.

Sadly, 3 stars. I really wanted to give it more.