- Jon Snow: Winter is coming. Winter is here.
- Ygritte: Come here Jon. I'll warm you.
- Jon Snow: Ygritte, cover yourself. I may have abandoned the watch, but I still wear the black to hear to the oath.
- Ygritte: Do you not love me?
- Jon Snow: Of course I love you. I just cannot *love you*. You know that.
- Ygritte: Jon, how are we ever supposed to be together?
- Cersei Lannister: Varys, I need to get fucked.
- Varys: [exposing his penis] Well, why didn't you say so?
- Cersei Lannister: [taken aback by his size] I thought you were a eunuch.
- Varys: Well, if I didn't keep this a secret, I wouldn't get any work done.
- Varys: My queen. To what do I owe the honor of this visit?
- Cersei Lannister: My husband is thankfully dead, my brother captured by some sort of mute half-man/half-woman beast. And my son... my son needs to be kicked in the balls at least a dozen times.
- Varys: Well, surely it can't be as bad as all that.
- Cersei Lannister: Now the people are uprising because Stark is dead and Arya, that asexual cunt, is missing. And, of course, there's that dragon bitch in Tarth. Dragons? Really?
- Varys: Well, dragons are the "in" thing these days.
- Cersei Lannister: And I can't remember half of the characters because all of their names sound the same.
- Varys: Not mine.
- Cersei Lannister: And we keep hearing "winter is coming." Can these people say anything else, ever?
- Ygritte: Every night I lay next to you, I find a hard time not touching you.
- Jon Snow: And I have a hard time, as well. Very hard.
- Ygritte: Mm-hmm.
- Jon Snow: All the time.
- Ygritte: It's not healthy, Jon. Your balls will fall off. Just... pop right off.
- Jon Snow: But what am I to do? I took an oath.
- Ygritte: And what did you swear?
- Jon Snow: I swore to hold no lands, to take no wife, and to father no children.
- [she puts his hands on her breasts]
- Jon Snow: What are you doing?
- Ygritte: I have no lands to give, and I understand we cannot marry. But we can still fuck.
- Cersei Lannister: And my midget brother just married Sansa Stark. Sansa? Even I can't stand her, and now she's part of the family? Can you imagine all those Christmas dinners? What were we thinking?
- Varys: What the fuck is Christmas?
- Tyrion Lannister: Sansa, oh, Sansa so darling wife of mine, one who inspires the thoughts of suicide of others, merely by her presence. Come with me.
- Sansa Stark: Husband, I'm here.
- Tyrion Lannister: Good girl.
- Sansa Stark: What do you wish of me?
- Tyrion Lannister: Wish? You not to be such a wining, mulling, bitch. I wish that you had not placed us in this arrangement. Through your stupidity.
- Sansa Stark: My lord?
- Tyrion Lannister: It is time for you to ride, the Shetland pony.
- [Sansa doesn't say anything]
- Tyrion Lannister: What? I thought all girls liked to ride the Shetland pony.
- Daenerys Targaryen: [Doreah is braiding Daenerys's hair] Ow! Be gentle. I'm lucky I still have all my hair. Don't rip it out.
- Doreah: I'm sorry, my lady. I'm so sorry.
- Daenerys Targaryen: Mmm. That's better. Feels so good. How long have you served the Dothraki?
- Doreah: My whole life mistress.
- Daenerys Targaryen: Have you always been a handmaiden?
- [Doreah shakes her head 'no']
- Daenerys Targaryen: What's that?
- Doreah: I was a pleasure slave. Before you came.
- Daenerys Targaryen: And who exactly, did you pleasure?
- Doreah: Whoever I was told to, except for the horses. *Never* the horses.
- Daenerys Targaryen: What was it like?
- Doreah: What was what like?
- Daenerys Targaryen: Having sex with all those people? I've only had sex with Khal Drogo.
- Doreah: My lady, Khal Drogo has left us months ago.
- Daenerys Targaryen: Mm. That's okay. He wasn't very good, I think. Is it normal for a man to insist on feeding you carrots during sex? And tell you how glossy your coat is?
- Doreah: Oh, mistress. This'll never do. Let me show you.