For the record, here's what STSWB and CTCWB mean:
STSWB stands for "Save The Something with Breasts." It was first made popular by legendary b-movie critic Joe Bob Briggs. The plot of a STSWB movie goes like this: In order to save a (carwash/hotel/drive-in/old decrepit house) from (destruction/a buy-out/foreclosure/an evil relative), a group of girls get in bikinis and try to raise a certain amount of cash in a very short time. It's a tried and true formula that works every time.
CTCWB stands for "Crack The Case With Breasts." It's my own corollary to the STSWB plot device, which works well for suspense thriller-type softcore films. In order to solve a (mystery, murder, or both), an unusually good looking woman who just happens to be a (cop/private eye/lawyer) goes undercover at a (whorehouse/strip club/place where hot girls hang out) to get to the bottom of it. This plot device is used almost as often as STSWB. I hope that clears things up for everyone. :)
THE BIO:
Since 1999, I've been on IMDB mostly reviewing movies that have a certain "badness" about them, but they're a guilty pleasure of mine--late night, low-budget, soft-core Cinemax (Skinemax) movies. I've been watching these films since the early 90's, and 18 years ago (my goodness, has it been THAT long?) I got the bright idea to start writing reviews on them. I've even had a few of the actors and behind-the-scenes people send me messages here on IMDB about the films I've reviewed.
I use a categorical system to rate soft-core movies. The overall grade is usually in line with the composite scores from the three categories, but there is an inherent "fudge factor" of about 5% I apply for certain aspects of the film I like, a particular actress (such as Monique Parent) or a better-than-average script.
The Women grade, which rates only how good-looking the women are, is worth 40%. A film with at least two women from my 2nd 10 List usually nets around a B in this category, while a film with at least two women from my Top 10 List stands a good chance of getting an A.
The Sex grade, which evaluates the simulated soft-core sex for the ability to be as real as possible, is worth 40%.
Finally, the Story grade encompasses the characters, the plot, and the script of the film. If a movie flows well, has believeable characters, and good dialogue, the grade will be high. If the script is terrible, the characters are shallow, the dialogue is stupid, and the movie ends with no...well, ending, the grade will be low. This is worth 20%. A film that gets an F in this category and A's in the other two might as well be a standard porno. I'm not saying that's a bad thing, mind you.
Now, some people will say, "These are softcore flicks, who cares about the story?" Well, I say this in reply: If the story didn't matter, you'd be better off watching a straight porno flick, where the story is usually non-existent. Want no story? Watch a porno. When all I care about is the sex and I really don't care about the story, that's where I go. In softcore, the story has to count for something, even if it's just a small portion.
Toward the end of my review, I'll usually mention whether the film is 'tapeworthy' or not. If it is, the flick might be worth taping and watching again; if not, watch, absorb, and move on.
Don't get me wrong, I review other movies I've seen, but it's just more fun for me to review these kinds of movies. I sit around with my friends on a cold Friday night and watch them. We'll say "aw, that doesn't even look real," or "Hey, that's the fourth time I've seen that girl in a movie!" I usually say that to myself when I see Gabriella Hall, Michelle Hall or Kim Dawson in a film, probably because I've seen so many movies with them in it. My favorite actress, however, is Monique Parent.
I went nuts when I got a message from Taimie Hannum, thanking me for mentioning her performance in "Pleasurecraft";, or the guy who wrote "Ancient Desires" giving me the actual ending of the movie the way he wrote it, instead of the way the film ended on Cinemax. I'm not name-dropping or anything, I just thought to myself, "Nobody reads these reviews anyway, I'll just write one to amuse myself." I grade the films compared to other flicks in the genre I've seen, so there's some sort of standard.
I still write my reviews like nobody will read them, but if you happen to come across one and get a laugh out of it, that's okay with me! If you like my reviews, or even if you hate them, feel free to send me a message.
And now, my Top 10 Cinemax Movies:
1. Dinosaur Island
2. The Bikini Carwash Company
3. Girl For Girl
4. Play Time
5. Scorned
6. The Corporate Ladder
7. Close Enough To Touch
8. House Of Love
9. Dark Passion
10a. Andromina: The Pleasure Planet
10b. Night Calls 2
My All-Skinemax Team (finally updated!)
1a. Monique Parent
1b. Beverly Lynne
2. Gabriella Hall
3. Regina Russell
4. Amber Newman
5. Griffin Drew
6a. Susan Featherly
6b. Michelle Hall
7. Shauna O'Brien
8. Tracy Ryan
9. Amy Lindsay
10. Kim Yates
The Skinemax All-Time 2nd Team: Mia Zottoli, Lauren Hays, Brandy Davis, Nikki Fritz, Jacqueline Lovell, Shyra Deland, Shannan Leigh, Taimie Hannum, and Jacy Andrews.
My Skinemax Hall of Fame: Monique Parent, Gabriella Hall, Regina Russell, Amber Newman, Mia Zottoli, Griffin Drew, Michelle Hall, Amy Lindsay, Shauna O'Brien, Susan Featherly, Flower, Kira Reed, Shannon Tweed, Missy Browning, Monique Gabrielle, Shannon Whirry, Tane McClure, Kim Dawson, and Delia Sheppard.
