dancziraky's reviews

I saw this film when it first came out in 1978, when I was a sophomore in high school. I took a date to see it. I didn't "get any," needless to say, because the film was so bad! Joan Rivers' career never tanked as badly as it deserved after making this awful, unfunny crap. In fact, unfunny isn't a severe enough term: this film is ANTI-FUNNY! You walk out feeling like any laughter that might have occurred was beaten out of you before it could happen. This isn't worth watching out of curiosity, or out of any sense of it being "so-bad-it's-good." Not even the gang at MST3K could've made this worth watching! The fact that Billy Crystal's career survived this early suicide attempt is a miracle.

A pair of red-jumpsuited dingbats (Bader & Parnell) are sent to Earth by their flatulant overlord to behead all 6 billion Earthlings because, um, well, ... they need a hobby? It doesn't really matter, as the thin plot is just a hanger for failed jokes, mediocre sight-gags, and the worst hairy feet make-up this side of "Lord of the Rings." What might have been a decent five-minute "Mad-TV" skit is stretched into infinity in this enthusiastic time-waster. So bad, Tori Spelling refused to be listed in the credits!

It was tedious and dragged like a rusty tailpipe, only without the pretty sparks to look at! Edward James Olmos was hideously miscast as Adama. Instead of having the stately yet reserved air of Lorne Green, all we got was a cold fish. Did they really have to give Mary McDonnell (President Laura Roslin) breast cancer? I mean, that's a frakkin' primetime soap plotline, not sci-fi! Oh, and let's pull out yet another soap opera cliche by making Michael Hogan (Colonel Tigh) a drunk!

Having the Cylons originally created by humans was also pretty idiotic and one of the most played-out sci-fi cliches in the book. And what was with all those off-the-rack suits for the civilians? They had advanced technology but 21st century Earth fashions? The only thing this show got right were the spaceship designs, the Galactic interior designs, and the updating of the Cylon warriors. Oh, and those Cylon ships not having pilots--can anyone say Trade Federation Droid Fighters from STAR WARS, EPISODE I: THE PHANTOM MENACE (1999)?

I'm so glad that this was chopped down from 6 hours to just 4. Frankly, they could edit it into two hours and then they might have a film that doesn't put you to sleep. With any luck, the ratings were abysmal and this thing will prove that the critically acclaimed TAKEN was a fluke.

The two "Mouse" films benefitted greatly from the wonderfully funny source novels by terribly under-appreciated Irish author Leonard Wibberley. Although the second film suffers in comparison because of the loss of star Peter Sellers, the performances by Ron Moody as Count Mountjoy and Dame Margaret Rutherford are still quite effective. It must be pointed out that some of the higher bits of satire of Wibberley's novel have gone missing from the film. In the novel, the Duchess (a 23-year-old married to Chief Forester Tully Bascomb) asks Count Mountjoy (she has called him "Bobo" since infancy) for an Imperial Russian sable fur coat. Mountjoy, desiring to update the Grand Fenwick castle's 14th century plumbing, gets a decree passed asking for a loan from the United States for $50,000 for the coat. Being the sly fox that he is, he also asks for $5 million to enter the SPACE PROGRAM! Of course, Mountjoy has every intension of buying the Duchess her coat and using the rest on the plumbing (and also for road improvements, as there are no paved roads in the country). The USA realizes that it's a ruse of some sort, but sees it as an excellent PR opportunity and decides to give them $50 million instead! The rest of the plot is pretty much directly translated into the film. Too bad Wibberley's remaining books in the series ("The Mouse on Wall Street," "The Mouse That Saved the West," and "Beware the Mouse!") were never filmed.

The film version of "The Mouse That Roared" was so funny and charming that, upon spying an old, used paperback edition of Leonard Wibberley's book and its two immediate sequels, I felt compelled to buy them. What an utter delight they are! The book is somewhat different from the film, in that Duchess Glorianna XII is a very sexy, young woman, who ends up marrying the heroic Tully Bascomb (who isn't as much of a dullard as he was portrayed by Peter Sellers). Perhaps the characters that are the closet in the film to their literary counterparts are Count Mountjoy and Professor Kokintz. In fact, Sellers truly nailed the sly, pompous Mountjoy to a tee in the film, even if the character isn't quite as odious in the novel. Wibberley's "The Mouse That Roared" is the only book in the "Mouse" series currently in print, but many libraries carry the others: "The Mouse on the Moon" (also filmed, in 1963), "The Mouse on Wall Street," "The Mouse That Saved the West," and the illustrated prequel, "Beware the Mouse."

The first clue that "Dracula II: The Ascension" is a stinker are the words "Wes Craven Presents" in the opening credits. An opening sequence featuring Jason Scott Lee as a vampire-hunting priest is mildly diverting. Things quickly go downhill from there. Dracula's burnt corpse (from the ending of "Dracula 2000" is brought to the New Orleans morgue, where young med students are offered $30 million for the body. Crippled researcher Scheffer ("Nightbreed") is in charge, as Dracula's withered but revived body is chained up in an abandonned indoor swimming pool. They start experimenting with his blood, with the usual, predictable results. Lee's priest shows up to put a damper on the party, and there's a cameo by Roy Scheider that makes no sense whatsoever. Although listing in the credits, Rutger Hauer never appears in the film at all -- guess they decided to save that for the NEXT utterly unnecessary chapter in this dry, lifeless series. Too bad Bram Stoker's novel is public domain -- any moron can use the characters now, and they ARE!

The seventh in Andy Sidaris' series of gorgeous gals-as-secret agents films, which by this point were being cranked out on a yearly basis. For some reason known only to writer/director Andy, Roger Moore's son Gregory (billed here as R.J. Moore for yet ANOTHER unknown reason) plays Kane, the ASIAN crimelord played by PAT MORITA in the previous entry ("Do or Die," 1991) in this series. Evil criminal mastermind Kane has stolen a nuclear trigger, an act of terrorism so despicable that it requires multiple, enormous-chested female federal agents to get naked as often as possible in an attempt to restore the balance of power! OK, the plot is negligible, as it's the gunplay, explosions, and softcore sex that are the proven formula of this series, and on those Andy delivers big-time. Look for the DVD release on March 25, 2003.

The sixth in Andy Sidaris' series of Playboy Playmate/CIA agent extravaganzas is probably one of the most entertaining, although the story actually makes more sense than usual -- which robs it of some of its camp value. (Part of the fun of Andy's movies is trying to make sense of his unnecessarily convoluted plots, which he gleefully admits to cranking out in longhand on legal pads in "about four days.") Asian crime boss Pat Morita (so that's what happened to Arnold after he left "Happy Days"!) puts out a hit on CIA bikini-stuffers Dona Spier and Roberta Vasquez, which basically sets in motion Sidaris' take on "The Most Dangerous Game," except we've got Erik Estrada and lots of nudity thrown into the mix. It's all utterly silly, but so funny and do with so much zest that you can't help but get a big kick out of it. In many ways, it's actually better than the James Bond films of the same period (ugh! Timothy Dalton!). "Do or Die" makes its DVD debut on March 25, 2003.

Senile creator of celluloid crud Jess Franco is perhaps the only director inept enough to make gorgeous scream queen Michelle Bauer look unattractive. The star of THE TOMB & HOLLYWOOD CHAINSAW HOOKERS might not be in her "prime" anymore, but here she looks bloated and dumpy. Yet, in films made around the same time, Bauer still looks GREAT!!! Plus, why on earth did Franco give her that ridiculous half-penis???? At any rate ... yikes, this film STINKS!!!! No, really, it's virtually UNWATCHABLE. Lina Romay -- DEFINITELY past her prime as a '70s sex symbol -- is a wretched descendant of Dr. Frankenstein who revives his hermaphoditic monster, "Goddess," and has frequent lesbian sex with it. These sex scenes are, perhaps, the LEAST erotic things ever committed to film!!!! Please, avoid this atrocity at all costs -- it's not even "so bad it's funny," it's simply PAINFUL!

STRUCK BY LIGHTNING was a fairly amusing premise that was never fully explored before it got yanked by CBS-TV. Jack Elam as Frank, caretaker of a New England inn who was in actually the Frankenstein Monster, was genius casting. Jeffrey Kramer as Ted Stein, a high school science teacher and the last living descendant of Dr. Frankenstein, was actually pretty funny. Stein was trying to discover the secret formula to the elixir that keeps Frank alive & must be administered every 75 years, or the monster starts to disintergrate. "You see my eyes?" Frank asks Ted. "In five more years, I'll look like a catfish!" The inn is actually Castle Frankenstein, brought over from Germany by Ted's late grandfather, who went senile and died before passing along the formula for Frank's elixir. In one episode, Ted leases the castle to a company filming a horror movie. Seeing the actor playing Count Dracula in full costume and make-up, Frank attempts to attack him, telling Ted, "He still owes me $20!" Seeing the green-skinned, flat-headed, neck-bolted Monster, Frank laments, "You have ONE bad hair day ...!" In another episode, a doctor examining an ill Frank is shocked to find stitches completely encircling his neck. "These look like railroad tracks!" the doctor exclaims. Ted tries to pass them off as scars from a tonsilectomy, but the doctor points out that tonsils are removed from the INSIDE, and asks who performed the surgery. "Um, YOU did," Frank says, and the doctor quickly tries to change the subject, alluding to his "drinking days." The show's title refers to the way Frank proves to Ted that he really IS The Monster. Raising his arms in front of a window and growling, a bolt of lighning crashes through and strikes his back. Turning around to show the smoking hole in his coat, Frank comments, "I HATE doing that!" I'm not sure if any more episodes were made besides the three that aired, but a nice DVD collection of whatever aired would be a great novelty! Alas, much like Lon Chaney's LONDON AFTER MIDNIGHT, I fear this series is lost forever.

Holy boiled condor eggs, I was NUTS for this show as a kid in New Jersey! I always thought it was produced in NYC, not Canada ... but given the creativity of SCTV and other Canadian TV shows, I'm not so surprised. Billy Van was awesome as Count Frightenstein, but I really thought The Librarian was the best part of the show. Oddly enough, I don't remember Vincent Price being in this -- but I do remember the theme song! (To the tune of "The Battle Hymn of the Republic") "Glory, glory Transylvania / The werewolves and bats will always maim ya / The murky moors will likely claim ya --" ... OK, so I DON'T remember that last line! Anyone who does can e-mail me with it.

Oh, man, but this is truly an atrocity for fans of Bram Stoker's nefarious Count! The idea of cloning Dracula from blood on the stake that killed him is intriguing, but Ron Ford and his gang of idiots manage to bungle the idea from the first few seconds. The sad, scary thing is, this was INTENDED to celebrate the 100th anniversary of Stoker's novel. Instead, it urinates all over it! Avoid, avoid, AVOID this loathsome mess at all costs!

Shame, SHAME on the makers of this dreck! Several of them worked on the original, classic NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD (1968), and are looking to milk a few more tainted dollars from it. These are the same people who mucked up the NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD 30TH ANNIVERSARY EDITION with idiotic new sequences and a bad '80s-style synthesizer music score. Make-up artist/actor Tom Savini (FRIDAY THE 13TH, DAWN OF THE DEAD, DAY OF THE DEAD) should have known better, too. The extremely minimal plot has convicted killer/rapist Abbott Hayes, murdered in prison before his death sentence could be carried out, returning home during the second zombie outbreak of 1986 (HUH?) and kidnapping some kids. The kids are rescued, but years later are killed during a car accident. Hayes, lurking in his abandoned house by the cemetery, revives them with his drool. A year later, the Hayes property is bought by a car dealer and is going to be turned into a dealership, but the graves aren't being relocated properly. This irks Hayes and his zombie disciples into going on a murder spree. BIG DEAL! The no-budget effects and amateur-hour acting in this sordid attempt at cashing in on a long-dead trend makes Italian splatter flicks like ZOMBIE! look like Fellini masterpieces by comparison. Naturally, George A. Romero had no involvement in this production, but micro-budget "auteur" John ("I Co-Wrote NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD So How Come I'm Not Famous Like Romero?") Russo is listed as a producer. This nonsense originally started life as an aborted comic book project (ah ha! now it becomes clearer!).

Director Franco's attempt at a sexy, political suspense thriller fails on most aspects. It is only marginally sexy, the politics are labored and irrelevant, and there are no suspense or thrills in evidence. The script is incoherent, the acting amateurish, and the film making of the worst, uninspired level. Unless you are being asked to review this, there is no reason to watch it whatsoever!

The Sci-Fi Channel's SHADOW OF THE BLAIR WITCH purports to delve into the "true" case that inspired the film BOOK OF SHADOWS: BLAIR WITCH 2. Using convincingly faked police file footage and interviews with "experts," "law enforcement officials," and even "families of the victims," SOTBW looks at how accused killer Jeff Patterson became obsessed with THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT (1999). Footage from both films enhance the show's realism, as does the use of different actors for the "real" characters. I'm sure that SOTBW has fooled almost as many people as 1999's CURSE OF THE BLAIR WITCH (also first aired on SFC).

Originally airing on the Sci-Fi Channel the week before the release of THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT (1999), this fascinating look at the supposedly "true" legends of the Blair Witch, from the banishment of Elle Kedward, the drowning of little Eileen Treacle, and the massacre at Coffin Rock, to the 1941 murders committed by Rustin Parr, right up to the 1994 disappearances of Heather, Mike, and Josh, cleverly reels in viewers to this fictional mythology. Many who watched this later swore it was on The Learning Channel or Discovery, not Sci-Fi! In many respects, this short piece is far better than the actual feature film it was meant to promote.