zmaturin's reviews

After shocking the world with the ground-breaking "Appreciating our Parents", director Ted Peshak returned with his most controversial work, "What to do on a Date". This film stunned audiences with it's brazen sexuality and the use of the word "Weenie". Impotent man-child Nick ignores social mores and takes nebbishy girl-toy Kate on a white-hot date organizing the local rummage sale. Dusty lamps, Cokes, and streamers lead to hot, hot lovin'.

Peshak was ostrasized from the directing community for this brave, electrifying work which dared to combine fantasy and reality and pubescent yearning. He tried to curry the public's favor with more pedestrian efforts like "Improve your Personality" and "Good Table Manners", but nothing doing. "What to do on a Date" branded him a nonconformist, and Peshak died, alone and penniless, in a Hollywood dumpster (reviewer's speculation).

From director Tom Holland ("Child's Play") comes this tale of bisexual vampire Jerry Dandridge (Chris Sarandon of "The Princess Bride") who butts heads with his neighbor Charlie Brewster (William Ragsdale of "Herman's Head" fame). "Married With Children" star Amanda Bearse has the tough task of pretending to find Charlie attractive (a job that would be tough enough for a straight woman) and Roddy "Laserblast" McDowall is Cushing Price, I mean, Peter Vincent, a late-night horror host who Charlie enlists in his battle against Jerry. Too bad the movie doesn't take place in Cleaveland, or else the Ghoul could have been the fearless vampire killer.

It starts out like a lame "Goosebumps" episode, but gets progressively cooler, climaxing with some great gore effects. I love movies where people are really, really scared, like Don Knotts, and McDowall is great in that capacity.

Stephen Geoffreys is pretty good as Evil Ed, and he went on to star in Robert Englund's "976-Evil" as well as "Gay Men In Uniform", "Cock Pit", "Transsexual Prostitues 1 AND 2", "Latin Crotch Rockets", and "Mechanics Bi Day, Lube Job Bi Night". Despite his gay porn career, he's still more respectible than William Ragsdale, who went on to do "Mannequin 2: On the Move".

This really poor James Bond rip-off stars Sean Connery's talentless, charismaless, weird-faced brother Neal, my candidate for the Lowest Self Esteem award (beating even Clint Howard!). Neal plays "Dr. Neal Connery", a plastic surgeon, hypnotist, lip reader, and kung-fu fighter (what, is he Buckaroo Banzai?). Constant references are made to Neal's brother (although not by name, as that might cost money) as Neal takes part in a stunningly uninteresting, slightly diabolical plot to do... something, I think. Action includes a bow-and-arrow fight and a "Every Which Way But Loose"-style brawl at one of Connery's live surgery demonstrations.

Adding to the shame are Bond regulars Bernard Lee (more attractive than Judi Dench as M) and Lois Maxwell (Miss Moneypenny), as well as Daniela Bianchi ("From Russia With Love") and Adolfo Celi (of "Thunderball"- and "Diabolik"!).

Not to be watched by people with functioning eyes, although the music's pretty good.

I've never been a huge fan of Speilburg, I find his movies have great moments or sequences I enjoy but overall leave me feeling kind of cold. This feels like Speilburg was trying to make a movie just for me- he loaded it with actors I like (Max Von Sydow, Jessica Harper, Peter Stormare, Tim Blake Nelson, Samantha Morton), put in a little gore (the whole groovy "eyeball" sequence), even served up a scene where one person vomits on another (always a favorite). But no matter how Sir Stevie panders to me, I cannot like this movie.

There is a festering pile of boogers in this movie, and it's named "Colin Ferrell's Acting". Hasn't anyone noticed how terrible this guy is? Why do they keep putting him in movies? He's awful! One needs only to look at the chase through the car factory: After performing a perilous climb onto a piece of machinery, Farrell pulls out a cross and kisses it. Later, when Tom Cruise is escaping, Farrell slams his fist into his palm ala a bully in a Nickelodian series. And it doesn't help matters that most of the dialog in this movie is god-awful.

And why does this movie end and then go on for another twenty minutes? There's a point where the conspiracy is reveiled via a character giving a big long monologue (like Velma on the Scooby Doo show), then there's a nice, grim, downbeat ending that satisfied me. But no, it keeps going, and going, and has another character give a long monologue explaining stuff that's ALREADY BEEN EXPLAINED. Did the writers think the audience was so stupid they couldn't get it? Or couldn't handle a downbeat ending? There's a point where this movie becomes excrutiating.

I did like how criminals are punished in the future by being dressed like Slim Goodbody, though.

This not-very-good mummy-alien flick does feature a cornucopia of your favorite movie stars like BEN MURPHY ("Riding With Death"!), Bob Random ("Village of the Giants"!), Darwin Joston (Napolean in "Assault on Precinct 13"!), Austin Stoker (Bishop in "Assault on Precinct 13"!) as Dr. Ken Melrose, Nina Axelrod ("Motel Hell"), Shari Belafonte-Harper (who was a voice on "Rick Moranis in Gravedale High"!!!), Clint Young ("Rape Squad", "Switchblade Sisters"), and best of all, Pathmark pitchman JAMES KAREN ("Poltergiest", "Return of the Living Dead")!

The plot is this: A priceless sarcophagus has been recovered in King Tut's tomb. Of course, it's taken to a small college in California where bumbling students can manhandle it and screw up X-raying it, instead of, oh, say, a museum. One loathsome, video-game loving student steals some diamond-type-thingees from the sarcophagus, sending the mummy on a poorly planned killing spree to get them back. For some reason, no one can catch a glimpse of the slow-moving, glowing mummy as it lumbers from killing to killing on the college campus.

This movie isn't very good. Not much happenens, except for some funny scenes where teens touch some radioactive goo on the mummy and start to get fungus growing all over them. The party scene with a bunch of obnoxious students dressed as mummys is also grating, and all James Karen does is mope and yell at Ben Murphy.

Pathmark means savings!

In this disturbing cautionary tale, a demented old man (Old Timer Billy Slater) catches two youngsters molesting his horse and sentences them to the worse punishment of all- a junior rodeo. Old Timer Billy Slater laughs in hideous glee as children are repeatedly thrown to the cold, cold ground from the backs of bucking broncos. What kind of Hell is this, where children suffer the sins of man? What kind of grinning gargoyle is this Old Timer Billy Slater? Why has he forsaken us? Why, why, why??!??!

This pukey short also features a horrid, repetitive banjo score which will compel you to rip your own head clean off.

"The Projected Man" star Bryant Haliday plays The Great Vorelli, a ventriloquist who loathes his horrible, stupid, smelly, ugly dummy Hugo. Their act consists of Vorelli denying Hugo luncheon meats and Hugo threatening Vorelli with a knife. Vorelli (or "Bud" to his friends) is also a budding hypnotist who can make people sweat a lot or dance like idiots with his amazing powers. Everyone is charmed by him, from old dowagers to... well, old dowagers. Everyone but American Mark English (William Sylvester of "Gorgo"/"Riding With Death" fame), an ace reporter who must, must, MUST learn the secret of Hugo!

This is a very depressing movie. Vorelli is an immensley unappealing character, yet we spend the bulk of the movie watching him. He's bewitched American Mark English's girlfriend and we get to watch her laying in bed sweating and moaning a lot, if that's your kind of thing. Every character in this seems on the verge of suicide.

Not a very good movie.

Remember "Prince of Space"? MST3K # 816? Okay. This is basically a remake of that. Instead of Prince of Space, though, we get Space Chief, another effeminent, hopping hero. Instead of the chicken-men of Krankor, we get mute, bullet-headed robots who have trouble walking and fall down at the tiniest hint of danger. And instead of two annoying, gravely voiced, tiny-shorts-wearing kids we get SIX annoying, gravely voiced, tiny-shorts-wearing kids. Slow the whole thing down, add lots of scenes of Japanese people talking in poorly lit rooms, and actual war footage instead of special effects, and you've got one of the worse movies ever made. I know that phrase is over-used and has little or no impact anymore, but this movie really is almost unbearable. It's amazing! It's joyless, depressing, AND technically inept!

Enjoy the Hitler building.

This murky film with terrible sound looks like it was filmed around 1939. It's about a bunch of geriatric medical students eagerly awaiting their first autopsy. One unshakable elderly boy's creeped-out girlfriend wishes he was studying anything but medicine. So why is she dating guys from med school? Is she going to medical school too? Or is this a college where you can major in being a doctor, with a minor in communications? It's hard to tell, and the women in in this movie don't seem to ever have to go to class.

Anyway, some middle-aged fraternity pranksters make the elderly boy steal a ring off a corpse, an urban legend that should take five minutes to tell and doesn't bode well stretched out to feature length. I'm not going to give away the ending, suffice to say the old man's weak ticker factors into the plot.

To pad out the running time, lots of time is spent dwelling on the two fat characters, exploring the theme that fat people love to eat and should be mocked for trying to do anything other than that. There's also a lengthy intro (and outro) by Bob Dobson, a creepy, cemetery-dwelling loser who stomps on his cat Puma's tale and mocks the dead. He must be the Crypt Keeper before the Crypt Keeper died and rotted and gained a penchant for bad puns.

Let's say you're a refugee scientist from some foreigny country, hiding in Southern California working on antidote to some killer spore virus that's going to be sprayed on America's crops, to be baked into apple pies. Would you let a smug, fifty-ish, cardigan-wearing, skill-less "secret agent" into your home, to sleep next to you and your sexy, sexy, sexy neice? I wouldn't.

Anyway, Peter Mark Richman, who you may remember from "Friday the 13th part VIII: Jason Takes Manhatten", IS Adam Chance, Agent for H.A.R.M. He answers to one- except Wendell Corey, as the head of H.A.R.M. Here, Wendell is as drunk as he was in "Women of the Prehistoric Planet" but not as drunk as he was in "Astro-Zombies".

Enjoy!

I remember when I first saw this (during Turkey Day '92) how tantalizing it was to get my first glimpse of the inner-workings of Best Brains. Oh, how I froze every frame of the behind-the-scenes shooting of "Santa Claus Conquers the Martians". And how I relished every soundbite from the cast and crew (Joel: We never say 'Who's going to get this'. We always say 'The right people will get this'). The footage in the writing room alone is worth it's weight in Spacom.

But now I watch it and am annoyed, first of all by the hosting job done by Penn Jillette, and second of all by the presence of Doogie Howser's Neil Patrick Harris. The whole special has the air of having the show described to you by people who have only seen it once. Why, why, why?!? The Sci-Fi era "making of" special is much more satisfying (and only slightly as annoying).

Max Keller, the unintelligable, custom-van-drivin', gerbil-totin', dirt-bike-racin', light-aircraft-pilotin', young-gal-smoochin' hero of "Master Ninja I" is back, in another film that bares a striking simularity to the television show "The Master". "For a Few Dollars More" star Lee Van Cleef is back too as Max's Ninja instructor, who drops about thirty pounds everytime he dons his ninja robes. This time they battle corrupt fish canners who have killed several union organizers without reprisal, then lend a hand to some tense hostage negotiations.

This installment of the venerable series is star studded (compared with the last one, who's star power consisted of Clu Gulager and Claude Akin's butt). Joining Max and The Master are Crystal Bernhard (TV's "Wings"), George Lazenby ("Who Saw Her Die"), David McCallum (TV's "The Man From Uncle"), and Monte Markham (TV's "Campus Cops"). OOOO!

Timothy Van Patten applied his experience of starring in "The Master" to his later career, directing episodes of "Touched by an Angel" and "The Sopranos". Lee Van Cleef died.

If you enjoyed this, perhaps you'd like "Master Ninja III", "Master Ninja IV", "Master Ninja V", "Master Ninja VI", "Master Ninja VII", or "Three Ninjas Kick Back".

It's Hillbillies vs. Giant Leeches in another drab, ridiculous movie from the Roger Corman Film Factory, directed by Bernard L. Kowalski who went on to direct episodes of "Baywatch: Nights". But despite the pairing of MST3K giants Bruno Vesota and Gene Roth (not Merritt Stone)- it sucks! (Leeches, sucks... never mind).

Trouble's a brewin' when gigantic, shotgun-toting grocer Vesota chases no-good cheatin' Yvette Vickers (of "Attack of the 50 Foot Woman" fame) and the pregnant guy from "Night of the Bloodbeast" into the swamp where they are kidnapped by man-sized, gator-eating, intelligent leeches. Taken into custody by the Roth (basically playing the same part as in "Earth vs. The Spider"), later VeSota is found swingin' in his jail cell (must be some steel-reinforced rafters there).

But none of this really factors into the plot, which concerns lots of coffee consumption (shades of Coleman Francis!) and a gal upset that her Swamp Ranger boyfriend is going to arrest her dad for fishing with dynamite (like Ron Howard on "The Simpsons"). Why should anyone watch this movie? Hard to say, but if you like scantily clad, swamp-soaked women getting molested by guys wearing garbage bags, then this is the movie for you!

If you enjoy getting nine inch nails getting driven into your eyes you may enjoy this tale about The Phantom of Krankor, a lumpy chicken-like man who displays his drooping gentitals in his tight space-suit and is intent on conquering Earth despite his lack of any skills or world-dominating tools. His attempts to steal a formula of some sort are thwarted by gravely-voiced kids ("We Like It Very Much!") and their champion, Prince of Space, a hopping, effeminent guy with no powers other than being impervious to he Phantom of Krankor's weapons. This doesn't keep The Phantom from repeatedly shooting at The Prince, and The Prince from repeatedly telling The Phantom that his weapons don't work. This goes on for nearly five hours.

YYYYYYYYYYAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRGH! Who does this movie appeal to? Chicken-fetishists? Japan-haters? Drooping-genital-enthuisiests?

If you need me, I'll be soaking in the tub.

From the makers of "The Giant Gila Monster" comes this incredibly dull, pointless movie, filmed in rich grey and grey and starring James "Death Mask" Best, best known (and rightly so) as Sheriff Roscoe P. Coltraine on "The Dukes of Hazzard". In several small but pivital rolls are dogs with odd bits of fur stapled to them, playing the titular Killer Shrews.

Boy, this movie eats it. First the black guy gets chased up a tree and eaten. No one notices. Then the Mexican guy gets chomped on and dies in the basement. No one cares. Eventually, towards the end of the film, the Caucasian characters start to get it. The only way to tell the characters apart is from their differing degrees of loathsomeness. Oh, and one of them wears glasses.

All these people do is stand around in their depressing adobe hut and drink and drink and drink and drink. Eventually they weld some barrels together to make a goofy-looking tank to evade The Killer Dogs With Bathmats On Them. It's a trip of only a few yards, yet they have to stop to rest frequently. Why? All they did was drink!

The movie ends with Roscoe P. Coltraine threatening to impregnate a Swedish woman while her German father looks on. Fun!

In this depressing slasher movie `from the producer of WISHMASTER and THE DENTIST' (how could that ad copy fail to bring in viewers?) , two-time Academy Award ® nominee Talia Shire plays Melanie Leroy, a bitter, unlikable harridan who sniffs other people's laundry and decides to go on a half-ass killing spree after inheriting her dead Aunt's apartment building. Shire spends the whole movie ranting to her dead husband's ashes and obsessing over her nice-enough social worker tenant (Jack Coleman from the NIGHTMARE CAFÉ T.V. show), spying on him with 2 way mirrors and video cameras, and eventually tying him to the bed in scenes that are like a fourth grade class production of MISERY. While this unbearable flick rolls on Melanie offs people with a refrigerator door, an enormous candle stick, a butcher knife, a steamer trunk, a gun, sleeping pills, a dry cleaning bag, and, scariest of all, shellfish. Yes, apparently feeding someone shellfish when they're allergic is sca-a-ary! Move over, Jason Vorhees!

Where was I? This movie. I tried to think of some ways to make it better, but all I came up with was to give two-time Academy Award ® nominee Talia Shire a Muppet © sidekick that only she can see and who can grant wishes. Sorry.

I must say I enjoyed the feature length Mtv video "Moulin Rouge!", or at least the first twenty or thirty minutes, before if devolved into a hokey amalgam of trite cliches and almost unbearable music interludes embellished by John Leguizamo's mind numbing performance.

Anyway, lets say you're a "patron" at the Moulin Rouge dancehall/brothel, and you frequent it quite regularly. Eventually you would have "had" all the women there, right? And eventually you'd sleep with the dwarf. Right? I mean, you'd have to, at least once, right? Right? Come on, the men in the audience know what I'm talking about, right?

Human pot roast Joe Don Baker (MITCHELL) stars in this dull, unremarkable `action' movie as Deputy Geronimo, a fat, gassy slob who sits around in a stupid looking cowboy suit, listening to country music and eating too many donuts. Meanwhile, a vaguely criminal guy named Palermo (played by the guy who owned the drill in Fulci's GATES OF HELL) stumbles into Joe Don's territory and shoots the sheriff in a poorly edited scene. Joe Don- slowly- gives chase and offs Palermo's brother after uttering his now legendary catch phrase `It's your move. Think you can take me? Well, go ahead on'. For some reason Joe Don, a Texas lawman, must transport Palermo to Italy (`Mr. Palermo's been a major source of embarrassment to the Italian government,' says Mr. Wilson, another vague character played by Bill McKinney, who was in MASTER NINJA 1, SHE FREAK, and a lot of good Clint Eastwood movies).

Anyhoo, Joe Don's plane must land on the island of Malta, where Palermo escapes with the help of a briefcase and a guy who looks like Jon Lovitz. And that's where the movie grinds to a halt. For the rest of the movie, Joe Don looks for Palermo, looses Palermo, ends up in a jail cell, is yelled at by the Malta chief of police, and then is let go with a warning not to look for Palermo any more. Then Joe Don keeps looking for Palermo, looses Palermo, ends up in a jail cell, is yelled at by the Malta chief of police, and then is let go with a warning not to look for Palermo any more. Then Joe Don looks for Palermo, looses Palermo, ends up in a jail cell, is yelled at by the Malta chief of police, and then is let go with a warning not to look for Palermo any more. This is one aggravating movie.

At one point Joe Don is thought to be dead at sea. All the other characters wonder if he's dead or not, finally concluding that he is. But then he shows up (he was rescued by a poor family) and no one mentions the fact that he was missing at sea for several days. Even his cute, Julia Louise-Dreyfuss-esque sidekick doesn't welcome him back. She does, however, offer to help him find Palermo, so Joe Don looks for Palermo, looses Palermo, ends up in a jail cell, is yelled at by the Malta chief of police, and then let go with a warning not to look for Palermo any more.

Highpoints include, a bizarre carnival with strange colorful floats, some sexy strippers, a shoot out involving a kid dressed like Napoleon AND a cart of tomatoes, a chase scene involving a guy dressed like a monk, and any scene without Joe Don. Lowpoints include Joe Don threatening a stripper with a coat hanger.

It should be noted that this is from Greydon Clark, director of ANGEL'S REVENGE, who appears as the sheriff. Ick!

ROSEMARY'S BABY is an interesting, well shot, and occasionally scary movie dominated by the icky, talent less actress Mia Farrow. Her presence taints this movie in my mind, as it does any Woody Allen movie she appears in. After her character becomes pregnant others comment on how terrible she looks and how much weight she has lost, but she look exactly the same! If she did loose any weight she'd be about the diameter of a pipe cleaner. Was there a fashion trend in the 60s where emaciated corpses with bad haircuts were all the rage?

There are good things in this movie, though. It's definitely the best collaboration between the producer of STRAIGHT JACKET and the director of CHINATOWN. The scene where Mia gets knocked up is nightmarish and beautiful, and the surreal ending is okay, if a little anti-climactic. Ruth Gordon puts in another great performance, joining her stellar roles in HAROLD AND MAUDE, EVERY WHICH WAY BUT LOOSE, and ANY WHICH WAY YOU CAN. The woman is hilarious, and sexier than Mia Farrow. There's also able support from John Cassavetes as the jerk husband, Ralph Bellamy (best known for the Fat Boys' magnum opus DISORDERLIES) as the doctor that gives illogical advice, Maurice Evans (Dr. Zaius), the great Elisha Cook, Jr (THE KILLING), and a pre-BEETHOVEN Charles Grodin as another, more competent doctor. Anton LaVey reportedly plays the devil!

As far as slow-moving devil posseson movies go, this is better than BEYOND THE DOOR but not as good as THE EXORCIST or EXORCIST III. And did I mention that I don't like Mia Farrow?

THE HAUNTING, an inspiration for Sam Raimi's EVIL DEAD films, NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD, and a really, really crappy 1999 remake, is a moderately entertaining horror flick with some suspenseful set pieces and some really interesting characters. There are some good scares relying on sound and lighting which are excellent, and a surreal scene with a breathing wall (a great effect). But the house in this film never registers as an evil force, we just hear people talk about how it is an evil force.

We're forced to spend most of the running time watching the unlikable lead Eleanor (Julie Harris). Nell is a twisty-faced, mother-obsessed whiner who worries on and on in endless voiceovers. The most likable character is sexy, fashionable, and wry Theo (Claire Bloom), a psychic whose lesbianism is handled in a sly, intelligent, and funny manner- definitely not what I expected from a horror movie in 1963. The double-entendre-laden dialog is squirmingly droll. The rest of the wry cast contains a bland doctor (Dick Johnson) and the eternally wise-cracking Luke (Russ Tamblyn, who has one weird filmography), who has some good lines but seems to be in the movie for no reason. Ms. Moneypenny also shows up in an annoying role.

Recommended.

Another movie about teen troubles that could all be avoided if we popularized fun, safe sex with multiple partners! See, the trouble here is, one sad-faced college gal wants to marry a hunky, carved-out-of-styrofoam football player, against the wishes of her doddering, doily-wearing parents AND her Romulan senior citizen roommate. So the two love birds run off to be wed in secret, ruining their lives forever. Now, in a perfect world they could just, uh, do the deed, repeat as necissary, and get it out of their systems. Then they could concentrate on their studies, graduate, and find true love in the private sector once they are mature and sickened of a frolicking, mind-blowing sex life.

What was I talking about? Oh, yeah, this short. It's not that good. The scenes of the elderly college gal and her Maynard G. Krebs-like boyfriend gloating about how great their relationship was really sickened me, as did the decrepit corpses who played the enraged parents. My only consolation is that they're both long dead by now.

I love Sue, the not-too-bright, anal-retentive, popular-song-loving wanna-be bride at the center of this delightful doughnut of a short. She wants to marry her weird-faced boyfriend Larry, but their parents are shocked and disgusted (not unlike "Is This Love?"). So they visit the creepy Rev. Hall, who shows them various charts and graphs made out of glitter glue and string that tells Larry and Sue about their love, their potential for happiness, and their "Boin-n-n-n-g!" (Rev. Hall's word, not mine). It all confuses Sue: "But I don't want to marry a girl, like me! I want to marry a man, like Larry!"

Ask your doctor about this educational short today. Available through Something Weird video or Mystery Science Theater 3000 episode # 616: Racket Girls.