Reviews
Here Comes the Circus (1946)
So watch your step
Eh, circus. Everyone's seen a circus. This ripe little slice of hell deals with...well...just a bunch of scenes from some circus (the really old, creepy kind, mind you). Nothing memorable about it, it's just filler space. It strikes me funny though, a movie about the circus like this, I mean, isn't the "joy" of the circus the fact that you're actually there, watching everything for yourself? When you put it on film, you miss the nuances. You don't have that cotton candy mixed with beer and vomit smell joining up with the smell of elephant and horse manure to form a two-pronged odor attack. You don't hear children shrieking, or mothers slapping them for not ceasing their annoying complaints. There are no screaming happy clowns barging into your face, demanding attention and admiration. Actually...now that I think about it in my own way....this short isn't so bad. It's available on an episode of MST3K, but I can't remember which one offhand. Just when you watch it, try to hear that "doo doo doodoodoo-do do doo dooo!' circus music played on a Hammond organ song you hear in so many horror movies.
The Super Mario Bros. Super Show! (1989)
Do The MARIO!
"Swing your arms, from side to side/Come on it's time to go do the MARIO!/Take one step, and then again/Let's do the MARIO all together now!/Everybody!/ Do the Mario!/ Just like thaaaaaat!". What a pathetic little dance. Swing your arms and take two steps, one at a time. Wow, I have to assume that it was written the night before the show aired and was crafted with very...hmmm..."physically un-taxing" moves to accommodate ex-pro wrestler Lou Albano, who played Mario. Incidentally, if you grew up in the 80's like I did, you might remember that Lou Albano used to be in all of Cyndi Laupers videos. Remember how at the end of the song, the "just like thaaaaat!" part, how he went down on one knee, and it looked like he was about to fall over? Sigh - I love nostalgia. I used to watch this show while I ate my Nintendo Cereal (NIN-TEN-DO it's a cereal, wow!) from an actual Super Mario Bros. bowl, no joke. What a terrific show, I have the episode where Princess Toadstool got kidnaped by Koopa (go figure) and Mario, Luigi, and Toad have to go to the desert oasis to save her. And it had the irritable genie, and the flying carpets, and PIDGETS (Luigi spoke pidget, actually). This show was followed up by the strange Super Mario 3 based cartoon and the completely strange and horrible Super Mario World based cartoon.
Caligola (1979)
One of the most historically accurate movies ever made
I've seen lots of movies about Rome. I've read lots of books about Rome. I'm a history major needless to say, and unless something is pretty much dead on accurate, then it makes my face hurt and I bore everyone around me into a stupor due to that fact that I have to point every flaw out individually. Gladiator? Garbage! That movie was pure FILTH compared to Caligula. Malcolm McDowall gives probably his best performance ever as the eccentric, narcissitic, and downright crazy emperor Caligula. Every time I read a history text dealing with Caligula or his uncle Tiberius I picture Malcolm. He's just that good in this movie, he's completely insane and creepy. What's funny is the fact that this was supposed to be a "porno" and it isn't. Nothing in this film is masturbation worthy, as it is too...gritty and creepy. It makes me itch all over. The first time I saw this film, I borrowed it from a friend on dvd (unedited of course) and my girlfriend and I watched it. Needless to say, we were amazed, and she needed to turn it off at the um...."Glory of Rome" scene in the kitchen. This from the girl who owns every "Faces of Death" and "Mondo Caine" ever made, not to mention the Ilsa series of movies! Historically, this movie is spot on, as hard to believe as it is, most of this is true. Cinematically, a masterpiece. "Let them hate me, so long as they FEAR me!".
Agent for H.A.R.M. (1966)
These people did NOT earn triangles, but they can try again next year!
There's not much left to say about this movie...it was bad, the characters were lousy, there were maybe three locations in the whole film, and it was less devoid of action than "The Starfighters". Adam Chance is an old, feeble man. Correction, an old, feeble, CRADLE ROBBING man! He has more skill at taking apart televisions and being repulsive than he does fighting crime. Thank God that we have the FBI and CIA and what not, instead of HARM (Huge Angular Red Marshmallows). I like how the only one who can save the day is the "elderly, wounded scientist" (in Crow's words). One of my absolute favorite lines in the whole movie is, "The combination of the pocket wound and the spaz chop was just too much for the old man." I think either Crow or Tom say it, but it doesn't matter. The only, repeat ONLY! redeeming factor of the movie is that the Russian woman is very attractive. I think it's her hair, she has hair like my girlfriend...who is Russian...hmmmm....maybe I should go buy a Cardigan....or not.
Hired! (1940)
Gah! Flying elves are back!
Oh....this short. What can I say...only that the second half is on the episode of MST3K with Manos, the best one ever. I have some questions, most notably, why is everyone so doughy looking? Was that in style in this time period, like parachute pants and sandals were later? And why is that doughy man (who looks like Nihls Bohr) so full of hate, does he have a demon? Thank God above for his old man, who sets him straight. If it wasn't for "dad", this whole thing would be nowhere NEAR as funny as it is. The dialogue, the characters, the whole "napkin on the head, evil glowering look" thing the old man does...priceless. I wouldn't trade this short for all the "Mr. B Natural" and "What to do on a Date" in the world! "But he BOUGHT-THE-CAR!!!"
Morozko (1965)
Turn and face the woods!
I've been reading these comments, and aside from a few, they all seem to be negative. I'll admit, it is really, really strange. But what you're not realizing here is that it's a FAIRY TALE! They're all weird like that! I think this one is much more creative than that mother goose crap we're fed here in America. I actually watched this on MST3K, and found their treatment of it hilarious. I decided to show it to my girlfriend, because besides being a fan of that show, she's Russian. She loved it as well, but the thing that was really great was the fact that as we watched it, she would explain things to me, and elaborate on points from the movie. So the translation was bad, alright. But it had a pig sleigh! And the whole thing where Ivan fights the trees, incredible. I haven't seen the non-MST3K version, but I'd really like to...maybe someone will put it on dvd like Eegah and The Wild World of Batwoman.
A Case of Spring Fever (1940)
Chilling
NOOOOOOOO SPRINGS MY FRIEND, NOOOOOOOOOOO SPRINGS!!!!!!! HEHEHEHEHEH!!!! BOING This is easily one of the most disturbing of all the "I wish that ____ didn't exist" type of 1950's short films ever made. A man, who looks like Eleanor Roosevelt, gets fed up from fixing his sofa and wishes never to see another spring as long as he lives. It's up to COILY (I kid you not, that's his name) the spring sprite they call him, to show him the error of his ways. Possibly one of the top 5 funniest shorts ever to be mocked on MST3K, up there with Chicken of Tomorrow and MR. B Natural.
Century 21 Calling... (1962)
They want their little gold jackets back
Yeah, what to say. Two teens, who look like members of the Hitler youth, explore the Seattle world's fair, grope an Asiatic woman, tour the "Bell Atlantic Phone Pavillion", and basically run around like a couple of perky, obnoxious airheads. Very humorous, if not just for the stunning accuracy of the predictions in future phone technology (PUSH BUTTON PHONING). One of the best bits is where a tour guide proudly shows off the "Electronic Bellboy": essentially a GIGANTIC, OBTRUSIVE pager. Very elaborate systems of phone use are discussed, one of which is the ability to turn off the oven or air condition from a phone. The climax and song on the Space Needle is not to be missed. This short is available on the episode of MST3K with the film "Space Children" which is also bad.
Yûsei ôji (1959)
Ya Scum!
I LOVE this movie. Everyone has at least a few "guilty pleasure" movies, and this is one of mine. It's so fantastically BAD. The little Japanese child with the Brooklyn mobster accent, the other kid who's wearing the suit jacket and hot pants, the Phantom of Krankor (HEheHEheHEEEHHHH!), that big ugly "guardian" thing outside of Krankor's base, the whole chicken men concept...sigh...what a piece of trash. Best when viewed with Mike and the Bots on MST3K, this is truly not to be missed. Only one thing, watch out for the ummm.. fact that...uh...all of the chicken men...forgot...uh...to wear underpants..to go with their sweat-pants. Anyway, it's really gross.